“I like my girls with a little something extra.” “I like all of that there.” Or even the simple, yet ineffective, “I like big girls.” Each and every time I get one of these pathetic, I-can’t-believe-they-actually-think-this-will-work lines, I cringe, smile awkwardly and keep it moving. As I walk away, my mind works overtime, wondering why those type of words evoke such a feeling of embarrassment. And then, why is said embarrassment slowly morphing into anger?
I look in the mirror everyday and even though over the years I have transformed my obese body from a size 26 to a curvy size 18, I still consider myself chubby, fat, plus size, chunky…any of the terms that mean my thighs rub together. These words do not offend me because I’m confident enough in my own truth to know that they only describe me physically and can’t be used to hurt me unless I allow them.
Don’t get me wrong, growing up, these words were like poison and each time they were used, I felt the sharp pain through my veins like barbed wire. The older I got, the more I realized my appearance wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok. But for the dudes that liked their girls “with a little something extra,” I was IT!
In my early 20’s, I dated almost as much as I changed my underwear. My dates would rarely blossom into relationships, but when they would, I’d gain insight on the men that were attracted to my curves. Most of the time, it was the first thing on their list of why they liked me. Ok, I get it. Physical attraction is a healthy part of two people coming together in a relationship, but it’s not everything. Some men like eyes, others butts and most love breasts, but that’s never the only reason they find themselves with a woman who stands out for any of those particular qualities.
There was this one guy, we’ll call him Randy. Randy and I would cuddle for endless hours and during one of our sessions, he grabbed a piece of my back fat, squeezed it and with a smile in his voice, (we were spooning, so I couldn’t see his face) said, “You’re the perfect BBW.” I tried to play cool and I asked him what in the heck was “BBW?” I know it looks like “Basketball Wives,” but this was before the days of reality show brawls and backstabbing. Randy explained the acronym stood for “Big Beautiful Woman.”
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I needed to know more about this “BBW” thing. Back in the days of AOL, Yahoo and BlackPlanet, there were chat rooms catered to specific groups. I found the “BBW” room and it was like being a kid in a candy store (pun definitely not intended) because each and every man in the room was there to meet someone bigger than he was. Standing 5’11 and weighing in well over 300 lbs, I fit the bill to a T. Ok, I can be a “BBW.”
Upon chatting, I was introduced to a number of “freaks–” for lack of a better word. The attention was nice, but sh*t got real…fast. Men asked me if I could come over and sit on them, lay on them or smother them with my weight in various way. I remember distinctly one guy asking me to put on heels and while he’s laying on his stomach, he wanted me to step on his back. I’m no physics genius, but I’m sure my weight (in heels) would kill him! He wasn’t convinced and begged me to make his fantasy a reality. After that request, I’d permanently logged out, never to return again to any “BBW” chat room.
Between my dating of men that couldn’t keep their hands off my love handles and off-the-wall requests from men in “BBW” chat rooms, I was convinced that the men who appreciated my size also had a fetish for fat. You may say, “He’s just trying to show you love and attention because he’s interested and wants you to feel confident about your weight.”
And I say, he’s more into what I am than who I am. While it is nice to be appreciated for what I am, I can’t help but think these men who come after me focus on my fatness because it feeds their fetish. I think the embarrassment that morphed into anger that I spoke of earlier was sparked by how their affections made me feel. Whether their affections were verbal or physical, it was never comfortable. Their touches and their words made me aware of my size, my stretch marks and the feeling of my fat freely wobbling with each move I made.
There’s a way for a man to touch me that doesn’t make my skin crawl. I know because it’s happened before. I met someone who we’ll call Austin who didn’t focus on my size, didn’t ask me how much I weighed in the first five minutes of us meeting, but still appreciated my curves. The difference here was that my fat was not the only reason he dated me. Austin loved my smile, my charm and sense of humor. He called my curves the icing on the cake.
And that’s how it should be. Big girls shouldn’t have to worry themselves over a potential mate’s fetishes. Unfortunately, as a big girl, I have to walk that line between men who love curves and men who have fat fetishes. While it is possible to be a big girl and date a man that doesn’t have a fat fetish, it’s always in the back of a big girl’s mind. No matter your size, no woman should accept a man that wants more to do with her body than her mind.
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Also On HelloBeautiful:
1. Blue. #May10 #NYC
2. Blue Ivy & Mommy
3. Daddy & Me
Blue Ivy walks across mommy's at-home photoshoot, but it's the most adorable photobomb ever!
5. One Big Happy Family
The royal family, Bey, Jay & Blue are all out shopping and we're sure they spent our entire life's savings in 30 minutes or less.
6. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
Beyonce in these heels though?!
7. Beyoncé & Blue in NYC — Nov. 4
Look at Blue in her adorable little bow!
8. Beyoncé & Blue spotted in NYC — Nov. 4
Blue holding on to mommy for dear life.
9. Beyoncé & Blue spotted in NYC — Nov. 4
Momma Bey looking fierce with her mini me in tow.
10. Blue dressed as Michael Jackson.
11. Blue & Ivy
Just look at that face. Seriously, Jay could never deny this child! She knows how to make all his mean mugs!
12. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
Look at that cutie!
13. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
OMG Blue in a top knot? Yasss!
Blue has grown up to be an adorable toddler! We're swooning over this photo of her playing on the beach.
Looks like Blue is taking a walk in mom's shoes...literally.
16. Beyoncé & Blue
There's nothing like being cuddled up in mom's arms.
Blue is looking all kinds of adorable! Look at that left hand go! LOL.
18. Blue On The Big Screen
Bey & Jay look at Blue during a video played at an "On The Run" tour stop. How precious!
19. Pardon Blue's Back
She's growing up so fast! We're loving the top knot. Take that Blue Ivy hair critics!
20. Jump Around
Bey & Blue share an adorable moment on the trampoline. Hello summer!
21. Rocking Some Cute Ponytails
Blue Ivy was spotted with a new 'do! Bey & Jay's mini-me was holding on to her father during a little day stroll.
22. Strolling With Mom & Dad
Blue, Jay and Bey all spotted in East Hampton.
23. Blue Has A Manicure Day With Mama Bey
"Me and my Blue, and my Blue Blue, riding🐝"
24. Hanging Out With Mom
Baby Blue is walking to the door, and it looks like Bey is trying to keep up!
25. Trying On Some Heels
Will Blue be slaying a performance in the near future?
26. Holding On To Mom
Blue looks like she has something to say to Bey.
27. Playing A Game Of Tennis
Blue walks on the tennis court.
28. Cuddling With Mom
Blue & Beyonce have some much-needed cuddle time.
29. Blue Ivy
"The blueprint 🐝"
30. Bey & Blue Take A Stroll
Doesn't Blue look adorable with her colorful dress and cute hair ribbon?
31. The Carter Lounge Together
The family was seen out and about.
32. Jay Z Carries Blue While Bey Looks On
Jay carries Blue in his arms.
33. Leading The Way
Blue Ivy looks too cute with her bowler hat and Mama Bey watching from behind. She's really growing up!
34. Out On The Town
Blue Ivy & Momma Bey enjoy some much deserved time off in Spain.
35. Traveling With Mom and Dad
Blue is used to traveling with Mama Bey and Poppa Jay, but she also looked a little flustered at some moments. It's ok, baby Blue!
36. A Day At The Park
Poppa Jay Z lets Blue Ivy have her way with the bouncy horse.
37. It's A Family Affair
Beyonce, Jay and Blue jetsetting in Dublin.
Blue dressed up like a hipster and plays a quick game of peekaboo! How adorable!
39. OMG It's Blue's Beautiful Face!
FINALLY! We get to see how beautiful Blue is! Look at the adorable headband! "Blue 💙"
40. Blue Ivy
Life's a beach!
41. Brooklyn Stand Up!
"Beyonce & Blue"
42. Blue Ivy's Got Her Own iPhone
"Momma, what's your password?"
43. Beyonce's Lazy Day With Blue
"Momma, I asked you for your password!"
44. When Blue Ivy Takes Your Phone, Beyonce Be Like...
"Fine, I'll go ask Daddy!"
45. Blue Ivy On Tour
"Bey & Blue"
46. It's Playtime
Beyonce & Blue take some time out to play.
47. A Chilly Day In NYC
"Beyoncé, Jay Z and Blue Ivy in NYC - Jan. 19"
48. All Bundled Up
The royal family makes their way to their fancy car.
49. Kisses From Dad
Blue's all bundled up, getting love from Daddy.
50. Blue At The White House
Blue Ivy's taking after mommy and writing a letter.
51. Blue Loves Bo
The White House pup, Bo is showing Blue Ivy some love.
52. The Carters At The White House
Check out the royal family checking out the scene at the White House.
53. It's Christmas Time Again
Blue and Bey checking out the White House Christmas tree.
54. Blue Lovin' Bo
Blue Ivy, dressed like a Princess, showing Bo some love.
55. Like Father, Like Daughter
Blue playing dress up with Daddy's hat.
56. Fun Times With Mommy
Blue Ivy spends some QT with mommy.
57. Mommy & Me
Blue and Bey take a break for some snacks.
58. Silvery Blue
Beyonce carries Blue, while the adorable toddler rocks a metallic jacket that we want and need.
59. The Holy Grail
Blue, Bey & Jay
60. One Big Happy Family
"#miami #newyear #2014"
"Beyoncé & Blue 💙"
62. Blue & Daddy In A Blue Jacket
"Jay and Blue 💙 #NewYear #2014 #Miami"
63. Hold On To Me
"Happy New Year Mommy!"
64. Dora Dora Dora The Explorer
"Beyoncé, Blue and Dora the Explorer"
65. Daddy & Bey
"Look over there Blue, you own that too."
66. Blue's Big B-Day
"Mommy make sure they can only see the back of my head."
67. Painted Faces For Blue's Bday
"Let me get down Mommy, I wanna play!"
68. Kisses From Mommy
Beyonce and Blue prepping for Momma Tina's Masquerade Ball
69. Talk To The Hand!
Beyonce, Jay Z and Blue Ivy were spotted leaving Joey's restaurant in Miami, on January 8th, and Blue had a message for the paps! Talk to the hand!
70. Me & My Daddy
While Beyonce's arm rested, Jay carried Blue from Joey's restaurant, in Miami on January 8th.
71. Blue's First Words
"I'm ready to slay right along with you, Ma!"
72. Imagine The Sound Of This Lullaby
A newborn Blue Ivy gets serenaded by her superstar mother.
73. Don't Mess With Blue!
Every now and again, Blue Ivy reminds you...she is her father's child!
74. All Gold Everything
Blue Ivy takes after her dad's swag. The inseparable duo were spotted in South Beach, Miami illuminating the streets outside their hotel with their yellow luster!
75. All Of The Lights!
"Mommy! All the pretty colors are so blinding! I'm...just..so..overwhelmed! When's my shot coming?! When's my shot coming?!" Blue plays on set with Bey at her 'Blow' video shoot.
76. Hey Blue!
"I can be happy sometimes, see?"
77. Blue Ivy With Daddy
"Why are we clapping, again? I'm not in the shot."
78. Jay Z Tries To Get Blue To Listen To "Magna Carta Holy Grail"
"Daddy, I'm more of a Nas fan."
79. Stepping With Mom
"Wait, Ma. I want the camera to see all angles of this sick dress!"
80. Splashin' & Playin'
"Mom, this water is clean, right? Because I'm not trying to splash in water I can't trust."
81. Beyonce Discusses Important Matters
"Mommy, I completely get it. Yes, I promise to watch the throne."
82. Mommy's Hugs
"Ok, Ma. I love you to pieces, but I like oxygen too." Bey may be the Queen, but this scene from her video "Blue" makes it look as if she can't get enough of being Mom.
83. Blue Ivy Twirls
"Aaaahh, I'm having so much fun not thinking about anything...wiippeee...oh, wait...getting a little sick."
84. Just So You Know...
"I run things. Don't get it twisted."
85. Mommy & Me Loungin'
"Oh, Mommy, I'm so tired of seeing the wigs you snatched last night all on our floor. It's so exhausting. Like, when're they getting picked up? Not now? Oh. Ok."
86. A Kiss For Blue
"Mommy, let me sleep, dang!"
87. Slurpin' On That Milk...Slurpin' Slurpin' On That Milk
"Mommy, gimme that bottle!"
We could watch this adorable GIF of Blue Ivy nonstop forever!
89. Jay Sneaks In Kisses
"Dadddd! Get..Away!..I don't want...No, ugh..No kisses!"
90. Blue Stares Back...
"Hey! Who's that?!"
91. Blue Still Doesn't Get Why Anyone's Here
"No, really, who are you? You're getting to close."
92. Blue and Bey Out For Lunch
"I'm over this now. People just won't let us be. Mom, why can't we just be?!"
93. Blue Is One Tough Cookie
"Ma, please let me just kick them in the face. Like, please, I can't see through all these lights."
94. Blue Jetsets With Jay
"Dad, do we own this boat? I just figured we owned everything, so..."
95. Beyonce Keeps Blue Covered
"Mommy, I think you forgot my feet. I'm cold right now. Are we inside?"
96. Beyonce LOVES Her Blue
Look at that face, how could you not kiss it?!
97. Blue Swings With Mommy
"I like the swing, this is nice, Mom--Oh, I'll let you pose for that shot."
98. Blue Decked Out In Pink
"Are we actually meeting people right now? Oh, I'll get it together, then."
99. A Hot Pink Summer
"Doesn't my mom look absolutely amazing? I know you're hating right now."
100. Working Her Moves
"Was Blue trying out Bey's bootylicious moves already?"