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black father with childrenDear Gay Best Friend,

I’m a 36-year old beautiful black woman, and I have been through it with the father of all of my children. I feel trapped. I still need his support to continue to raise the kids, but I also need a life that doesn’t include the dad always hanging around. How do I accomplish this without this fool hatin?! – I Need Him But I Don’t

“I’ve Been Secretly Seeing My Ex, But It’s Over & He Won’t Return Some Of My Valuable Items”

Dear Ms. I Need Him But I Don’t,

SMDH! There is so much of all types of wrong with this short and brief letter, but albeit it’s your drama, your mess, and your babies daddy.

You didn’t say how many children you have with your baby daddy, but at 36 years of age, and you’re not married, uhm, that’s a problem. You can lay down and bare children with him, but he didn’t marry you (Giving you the side eye). I know you’re not married because you didn’t say “husband,” or “future ex-husband.” So, you have these kids with this man, you’re not married, you’re 36-years old and you don’t know how to express to him the boundaries of the relationship? You sure you’re 36 and not 16. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Girl, you over there popping out these kids with this man, but you don’t want him hanging around. I bet you didn’t have a problem with him being around when you needed some late night attention. You didn’t have a problem with him laying up in your bed, did you?  I bet you didn’t have a problem with him being around when you needed some coins in your Canal Street Guccci purse (Yeah, I spelled it with an extra “C” because it’s a fake!). When he dropped them coins in your hand you were the first one in line at the beauty salon and nail shop getting worked over weren’t you? Miss me already!

Chile, I swear you grown ass folks with your demands and, “I don’t need him. I don’t want him around,” but you can’t speak up and take control over your life. Ugh! I bet when it’s time for some money you have no problem picking up the phone. Or, when something happens to the kids, you don’t have a problem having him around. But, it’s when you want to be out in the club dropping it like it’s hot popping your p***y, hanging with your girlfriends like you’re 20-something, or your new male companions wanting to spend the night, and your ex (the father of your children) is lingering in the background and scares off everyone. That’s when you have a problem with him.

Girl, the man obviously feels some type of obligation, and open invitation into your life, which he does have the right to since you have children together. You do realize he’s going to be forever tied to your life because of the children? But, you’ve got to set some boundaries and limits. Let him know what’s off-limits, i.e. access to your personal life, personal space, and personal business. When it comes to anything personal about you tell him, “Hold up! Hold up! Hold up! Back it up and put that back. I’m not discussing my personal life with you. What I’m doing, who I’m doing it with, and where I’m going is none of your concern. Go get you some business and stay out of mine.” See how easy that is?

And, the only communication and involvement you two have in common is your children. There doesn’t need to be any other interaction other than when it comes to the children.

Let him know – There is no popping up over to the house. He doesn’t live there, nor does he pay rent there. He can’t just show up when he wants to because, “Ray Ray likes to walk around with his schlong hanging out. And, I may be on my knees servicing him.” But, if every time he pops up unannounced and you open the door, then you are the problem and reason he feels he can just appear without notice. Stop opening the door silly ass clown!

There is to be no calling all times of the day or hour. If he wants to speak with his children, then get them cell phones so he can call them directly. If he needs to speak with you about the children and their needs, then set some time of day limits. No calls after 8pm or 9pm and no calls before 10am to discuss the children unless it’s an emergency. But, if every time he calls you’re breaking your neck to answer it and then you end up in a screaming match, then guess what boo boo the fool, you give him just cause to call you. Stop answering the damn phone when it rings.

I tell you, you can’t give folks simple ass rules for simple ass problems because they are simple ass people.

I’m done with you and this letter, but I’m going to tell you this and hopefully you’ll follow these easy ass instructions. Stop opening the door, which is your legs, to him, and then he won’t have an opportunity to keep lingering around hating on you and your life. Stop being accessible and available to him. If you keep allowing him access to your life, then guess what dumbass, he will keep showing up in your life demanding and expecting access to your life. And, finally, set up some times and days he takes the kids. I’m sure you’re smart and intelligent enough to work out a schedule with him. That way you can have some days to yourself to do what you want – which is get your freak on, party, and walk around the house naked. I know what you want to do. I’m not special like you. And, one last thing, if none of this works there is always family court. They will work it all out for you. I’m done! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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