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Happy Friday, everyone!
It’s a three-day weekend and I hope you all are planning a wonderful weekend filled with fun, love, and family.
It’s also “Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend” Advice Day. And this weeks letter is from a young woman who is in school, but she keeps meeting men who are un-dateable. YIKES!
Enjoy this week’s letter and advice.
Dear Gay Best Friend,
So, I’m having trouble finding the man of my dreams, as one would say. I’m not searching too hard, but at the moment I’m actually working on me. I’m in the middle of studying for my certification as a medical assistant, and I’m also in school for Healthcare Administration. All of this and I’m only 21. I’m still living with my mother until school is completed and to some that’s not too attractive, but at the same time everyone has their moment when they realize it’s time to go. And, I’m definitely ready to go. I just can’t seem to find the right time to leave.
But, anyway, for some reason I actually suck when it comes to picking the right man.
To make a long story short, every guy I actually start talking to is either somebody elses man or full of it in the first place. And when I do actually find someone I want to be with I run away from the relationship because I don’t know how to start my life with someone because I’ve learned to be so independent since my mom’s a single mother. And that doesn’t really settle with them.
Another thing that I dread is that I LOVE kids and I want one of my own, but of course I don’t want to be another stereotype with the “baby daddy drama” and all that jazz. There’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t want my child resenting their father like I do mine. What I’m trying to say is that I need some kind of advice on how to start my life with a significant other and how to find the right significant other. – Independent and Confused!
Dear Independent and Confused,
Okay, let me first say, “Girl, you got it going on!” You’re young and in school, doing something with your life, no kids, no man, and living at home with your mother. Why are you complaining? You know how many people would love to be in your shoes?!?
But, I digress. Let’s address the issue at hand which is about the men you are picking, why you pick the wrong men, and why you consistently run from relationships. It boils down to the line where you stated, “I don’t want my child resenting their father like I do mine.” Honey, therein lies the problem. You don’t have a relationship with your own father, and thus the men you meet in your life remind you of your father, or, you don’t trust men because you don’t trust your father.
Until you can forgive your father and let go of your resentment and anger toward him, then your relationships with men will forever be marred with hatred, resentment, or abandonment. Subconsciously, you will continue to sabotage your relationships because you feel they will do what your father has done.
Whatever your father has done, let it go. Forgive him, move on from it and release it. Sure, he may have hurt you. He wasn’t around. He doesn’t call you. He isn’t a significant father figure. Whatever, girl. LET IT GO! FORGIVE HIM AND MOVE ON!
Holding on to the anger, hurt, pain, and resentment toward him is only hurting one person, darling, and that’s you. And, look at how it’s impacting your life. You think having a child is going to replace the love you desire, or fill the void in your life. BA-BY! Stop it right now. Don’t you go and get pregnant and try to replace and fill the void in your life with another life. That is irresponsible and inconsiderate to the child.
As you mentioned, continue working on you. Continue filling yourself with love, joy, peace, and happiness, and Ms. Honey, let me tell you something, no man, or nor child out of wedlock will fulfill that void. Trying to find other people to make you happy and feel loved will only leave you yearning for love and happiness because no one can make you happy or feel loved. Only you can do that!
And, you mentioned that you learned how to be independent from your single mother and it doesn’t settle with some men. Okay, a few things: yes, that is a detriment. Unfortunately, too many single mothers raise their daughters to be single, independent women and it leaves no room for a man to come into your life. You feel and think, “I don’t need a man. I can do everything on my own. I can get my own money. I can get and do whatever I want without a man.” You know the stories. Well, girl, it takes two to make a relationship and if you don’t let a man be a man in the relationship because of your independence, then like you said they will be out of there before you know it.
Some women say, “I need a strong man because I am a strong black woman.” That is great, but honey, you can’t be a strong woman and man at the same time. Let the strong black man be the strong black man.
Remember when Ms. Beyonce made that hit song, “Independent Ladies,” and every woman was chanting the lyrics right along with her. Look at Ms. Beyonce now. She is married, settled in a relationship, and letting her man be the man of the relationship. She hurried up and figured out being independent wasn’t going to fill a lonely bed, and she wanted to share her love and successes with someone.
It’s okay to be independent, but learn how to be DEPENDENT as well. Let the man be the man. Let him open the door for you, cook for you, shower you with affection. Let him do what he does as a man and enjoy it. Don’t get mad when he doesn’t do something, or he can’t do something. And then you throw it up in his face, “I don’t need you. I can do it by myself.” Then guess what, you will find yourself by yourself. Or, living with your single mother, and the two of you can be independent together. And, oh yeah, Ms. Thing, you are not too independent, you’re living at home with your mother.
So, Ms. Independent and Confused, enjoy your youth. Enjoy being in school and make some new friends. Learn to forgive and let go of the past because it is affecting your future. Rebuild the relationship with your father. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but start rebuilding and take it one day at a time. And, read some books on self-love, spirituality, and love – Iyanla Vanzant’s, “Value In The Valley,” Carol Mackey’s “Sistergirl Devotions,” or Dawn Daniels’ “Souls of My Sisters.” They are great books and can provide lots of insights and information. – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend