Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Well I just finished reading your book “MOGUL” – excellent I have to say. So much information and entertainment. You probably have gotten letters like this before. I’m involved with a guy of 10 years. But when I look at it, we are not closer than we were at the beginning. He just seems detached, and will not commit for nothing. Yet, he’s always involved with women who are just “friends.” We don’t have sex anymore, and he puts it on the fact that he is going through changes. We are both 54. I have had some situations with him where I thought about him being on the DL. So I did ask him one day: “Have you ever had sex with a man?” We were drinking and often have real talks at that time. His answer was very vague. He said, “Not unless the person tricked me.” Well, I didn’t go any further as I was taken back at that answer and it really wasn’t an answer.
I won’t go into other things that have made me question his sexuality but we have gone through changes because of him trying to be slick about other women, it’s just crazy. I feel so confused now after 10 years – that’s crazy enough!! I have read J.L. King’s book and I love my brothers gay, straight, DL or not. I wish I could get him to open up to me. I would not judge him because I’m not God. I know it’s a sensitive subject for men but I would love to know the truth and that would explain why he is so detached from me. We have spent lots of time together and done things together and have had very intimate times together and have said we both love each other.
I’m convinced my generation of DL men are so ashamed and scared to admit who they are because of the era we are from, but there are sistas out here that can deal with the real. I would love to just be his best friend if that was the case. I would still embrace our relationship that is such a solid friendship!!
But he’s from a different generation. Are there any real questions that I can ask, or something I can say to make him open up to me? Old school men are just that – old school. We are living in a new day, and women want men as friends, straight or not. Any man can be key to a female being her friend to let her know of anyone else that she might be friends with or like who is playing her. You are such a real person, you don’t bite your tongue and I don’t believe you will do that with me. Please I hope this little bit of information will give you some insight of what I’m asking, and I hope you will answer me with some real candid advice. Peace and love to you Terrance!! I salute you for truth in this day in time of much deceit amongst us. – Don’t Know What’s Up With Him
Dear Ms. Don’t Know What’s Up With Him,
First, thank you for supporting my new book, “MOGUL.” I appreciate it and I’m glad you in-joyed it.
Second, thank you for following my column and having the courage to write in. It takes guts to send a letter to me knowing that I’m not going to hold back and not bite my tongue. Chile, somebody needs to start telling folks the truth, and stop sugar-coating thangs.
Now, on to you and this letter. Wait one second. I need to pull myself together because I refuse to believe that a man you’ve been seeing for 10 years, and whom you have questioned about his sexuality, told you, after you confronted him with, “Have you ever had sex with a man?,” that he hadn’t “unless tricked.” And, you didn’t probe any further? (* *) Blank stare at you! What are you smoking? Really. Maybe you need to lay off the drinking and drugs because it’s doing a voodoo on your brain.
But, err, uhm, sweetie, how can a person be tricked into having sex with someone of the same sex? Uhm, sweetie, why do you think his answer really isn’t an answer? Uhm, sweetie, are you that blind, dumb, and deaf that you need for someone to spell it out for you?
Chile, has anyone ever diagnosed you with the syndrome of “Women In Denial Because They Don’t Want To Be Alone”?
He’s not on the DL, he’s gay! He can’t be on the DL if he told you that he’d been tricked into having sex with another man. Girl, instead of sitting there stupefied, the next question should have been, “How many times have you been tricked?”
If you’ve been with him for 10 years, and both of you are 54, which means you were 44 years old when you started dating, and you didn’t mention if he had kids, or ever been married, and he’s stopped having sex with you, then you tell me what you think?
You know what, why am I having this conversation with you? It’s obvious you are holding out for some hope, some possibility that he will settle down with you and make you his woman. I sympathize with you because you’ve invested 10 years into a relationship that you hoped would lead you down the aisle for a life of marriage and kids. But, it didn’t. You’ve been bamboozled. Hoodwinked. SMDH!
They say desperate times doesn’t call for desperate measures, but I say desperate women call for desperate measures. And, Ms. Honey, you are truly DESPERATE!
The man doesn’t want you. He is using you as his guise, his “beard.” You’re the woman he can still claim as his woman when he needs to justify his that he is seeing a woman to his family and friends. And, this fool ain’t fooling nobody but himself. Even Stevie Wonder can see this man doesn’t want to be with a woman.
You’re the fool who is playing this game with him and letting him use you. You’re the fool that everyone is laughing at when you come around, hanging on, and smiling like you two are the happy couple. All his friends and family members know what’s going on. They are playing dumb, just like you, waiting on him to tell the truth and confess and admit who he is.
Stop being naïve and gullible. It’s so unattractive. Stop running after this man. Stop trying to make him be someone he clearly is not going to be. You’re asking me questions on what to ask him, and girl, he’s already answered your question. What more do you want? What more do you need for him to say? Chile, I swear, you women say you want the truth, and when a man gives it to you, you still are in denial. Sitting there with that bib on and drool coming out the side of your mouth. Just special!
You’ve read “MOGUL” and J.L. King’s book. Your womanly instinct has kicked into overdrive. Why are you in denial? Why can’t you see what’s so obvious? Girl, read your own damn letter, and especially the first paragraph. All your answers are right there. DAMN! GET A F’ING CLUE!
And, nobody’s playing you but yourself! He’s told you how he gets down. He’s said to you he’s been tricked. LMBAO! Lawd, tricked! I love it! How the hell can a grown ass man be tricked into having sex with another man? Please, please explain that to me.
Girl, get out of my face before I punch you in it! I’m done with you, as you should be done with that clown. He’s pulled one old magic stunt on you saying he’d been tricked. LOL! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
I tell you what. Think back to how many times he disappears with no explanation of where he’s been, or some lame excuse of his missing in action stories. Think back to the many mysterious men he’s been with and you discounted them as just friends. Think back to the many times when you’re not with him at night, and you’ve called and didn’t get an answer until the next day, or so. Think back to the last time you had sex. Yeah, it’s been a long time, and he wasn’t really into huh? Well, like you, I’ve been tricked too! How about that! Abracadabra! Poof! I’m gone! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!
Also On HelloBeautiful:
Celebs Tweet Their Thoughts About #JusticeForSandraBland
1. Jesse Williams
#SandraBland's treatment while attempting to travel freely on HER public roadways has been acknowledged as unlawful. She is already dead.
2. Taraji P. Henson
"SAY HER NAME #SandraBland"
3. Ava DuVernay
"'Why are you arresting me?' Because you know your rights. Because I can. Because no one'll believe you. #SandraBland"
4. Kim Kardashian
#WhatHappenedToSandraBland We need answers!!!! This is NOT ok! This is all shady! They need to own up to this & tell the truth!
5. Jussie Smollet
"A loss 4 words. #SandraBlandMatters #BlackLivesMatter 👈🏿tell me this should change once the nation shows that we do. "
6. Snoop Dogg
🙏🌹. Sandra. Rip. 🌹🌹
7. K. Michelle
R.I.P to this queen. This could've been any of us. My prayers go out to her family. #sandrabland https://instagram.com/p/5fvlO_AhCf/
8. Gabrielle Union
SAY HER NAME!!! #SandraBland #SandraBland #SandraBland #SayHerName
"We must get to the cause of #sandrabland death because this CANNOT happen again #deathorfreedom"
10. David Banner
"When will we fight back. A man's duty on earth is to protect women and children. Where are the gangsters? Preachers? We need you. Please."
11. Nicki Minaj
"Rest In Peace #SandraBland"
12. Talib Kweli
"We the people ask @LorettaLynch to investigate #SandraBland #KimberleeRandleKing RETWEET "
Signs. Signs. Signs all around us. The Message is Here. #SandraBland
14. Missy Elliot
"When I look at the #SandraBland traffic video it brings so many emotions😳😢😡😡😤!"
15. Jessie J
"God bless your soul Sandra | #sandrabland | Change needs to come |Justice needs to be served | Heart… https://instagram.com/p/5fV79mQ0aw/ "
16. Jackee Harry
"It's time y'all, it's time.." #SandraBland #BlackLivesMatter
"In memory of #SandraBland these things don't make no kinda sense "
18. Holly Robinson Peete
I really don't look forward to having ANOTHER difficult conversation w my kids tonight...but here we go again😧💔 #SandraBland #SayHerName 😢
19. Jeffrey White
Sadly, doesn't matter by whose hand she died. Unjustified arrested set the outcome in motion. The state murdered her. #JusticeForSandraBland
Sandra could have been your mother, sister, aunt, friend or if she wasn't killed the community outreach advisor A&M. #SandraBland
21. Joan Smalls
"My heart is broken. Sending my deepest condolence to her family and friends. May you find Strength, Peace and Justice. When will this stop? #EqualityForAll #RIP #Why #SayHerName
22. Gladys Knight
Sandra Bland.... #SayHerName #SandraBland
23. Cara Delevigne
Things need to change NOW #SANDRABLAND #Justice #Equality
24. Meek Mill
"Rip to that young lady that lost her life about a traffic stop! 🙏 ima make sure I pray for her and her family! 🙏😄😄😄"