Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Well I just finished reading your book “MOGUL” – excellent I have to say. So much information and entertainment. You probably have gotten letters like this before. I’m involved with a guy of 10 years. But when I look at it, we are not closer than we were at the beginning. He just seems detached, and will not commit for nothing. Yet, he’s always involved with women who are just “friends.” We don’t have sex anymore, and he puts it on the fact that he is going through changes. We are both 54. I have had some situations with him where I thought about him being on the DL. So I did ask him one day: “Have you ever had sex with a man?” We were drinking and often have real talks at that time. His answer was very vague. He said, “Not unless the person tricked me.” Well, I didn’t go any further as I was taken back at that answer and it really wasn’t an answer.
I won’t go into other things that have made me question his sexuality but we have gone through changes because of him trying to be slick about other women, it’s just crazy. I feel so confused now after 10 years – that’s crazy enough!! I have read J.L. King’s book and I love my brothers gay, straight, DL or not. I wish I could get him to open up to me. I would not judge him because I’m not God. I know it’s a sensitive subject for men but I would love to know the truth and that would explain why he is so detached from me. We have spent lots of time together and done things together and have had very intimate times together and have said we both love each other.
I’m convinced my generation of DL men are so ashamed and scared to admit who they are because of the era we are from, but there are sistas out here that can deal with the real. I would love to just be his best friend if that was the case. I would still embrace our relationship that is such a solid friendship!!
But he’s from a different generation. Are there any real questions that I can ask, or something I can say to make him open up to me? Old school men are just that – old school. We are living in a new day, and women want men as friends, straight or not. Any man can be key to a female being her friend to let her know of anyone else that she might be friends with or like who is playing her. You are such a real person, you don’t bite your tongue and I don’t believe you will do that with me. Please I hope this little bit of information will give you some insight of what I’m asking, and I hope you will answer me with some real candid advice. Peace and love to you Terrance!! I salute you for truth in this day in time of much deceit amongst us. – Don’t Know What’s Up With Him
Dear Ms. Don’t Know What’s Up With Him,
First, thank you for supporting my new book, “MOGUL.” I appreciate it and I’m glad you in-joyed it.
Second, thank you for following my column and having the courage to write in. It takes guts to send a letter to me knowing that I’m not going to hold back and not bite my tongue. Chile, somebody needs to start telling folks the truth, and stop sugar-coating thangs.
Now, on to you and this letter. Wait one second. I need to pull myself together because I refuse to believe that a man you’ve been seeing for 10 years, and whom you have questioned about his sexuality, told you, after you confronted him with, “Have you ever had sex with a man?,” that he hadn’t “unless tricked.” And, you didn’t probe any further? (* *) Blank stare at you! What are you smoking? Really. Maybe you need to lay off the drinking and drugs because it’s doing a voodoo on your brain.
But, err, uhm, sweetie, how can a person be tricked into having sex with someone of the same sex? Uhm, sweetie, why do you think his answer really isn’t an answer? Uhm, sweetie, are you that blind, dumb, and deaf that you need for someone to spell it out for you?
Chile, has anyone ever diagnosed you with the syndrome of “Women In Denial Because They Don’t Want To Be Alone”?
He’s not on the DL, he’s gay! He can’t be on the DL if he told you that he’d been tricked into having sex with another man. Girl, instead of sitting there stupefied, the next question should have been, “How many times have you been tricked?”
If you’ve been with him for 10 years, and both of you are 54, which means you were 44 years old when you started dating, and you didn’t mention if he had kids, or ever been married, and he’s stopped having sex with you, then you tell me what you think?
You know what, why am I having this conversation with you? It’s obvious you are holding out for some hope, some possibility that he will settle down with you and make you his woman. I sympathize with you because you’ve invested 10 years into a relationship that you hoped would lead you down the aisle for a life of marriage and kids. But, it didn’t. You’ve been bamboozled. Hoodwinked. SMDH!
They say desperate times doesn’t call for desperate measures, but I say desperate women call for desperate measures. And, Ms. Honey, you are truly DESPERATE!
The man doesn’t want you. He is using you as his guise, his “beard.” You’re the woman he can still claim as his woman when he needs to justify his that he is seeing a woman to his family and friends. And, this fool ain’t fooling nobody but himself. Even Stevie Wonder can see this man doesn’t want to be with a woman.
You’re the fool who is playing this game with him and letting him use you. You’re the fool that everyone is laughing at when you come around, hanging on, and smiling like you two are the happy couple. All his friends and family members know what’s going on. They are playing dumb, just like you, waiting on him to tell the truth and confess and admit who he is.
Stop being naïve and gullible. It’s so unattractive. Stop running after this man. Stop trying to make him be someone he clearly is not going to be. You’re asking me questions on what to ask him, and girl, he’s already answered your question. What more do you want? What more do you need for him to say? Chile, I swear, you women say you want the truth, and when a man gives it to you, you still are in denial. Sitting there with that bib on and drool coming out the side of your mouth. Just special!
You’ve read “MOGUL” and J.L. King’s book. Your womanly instinct has kicked into overdrive. Why are you in denial? Why can’t you see what’s so obvious? Girl, read your own damn letter, and especially the first paragraph. All your answers are right there. DAMN! GET A F’ING CLUE!
And, nobody’s playing you but yourself! He’s told you how he gets down. He’s said to you he’s been tricked. LMBAO! Lawd, tricked! I love it! How the hell can a grown ass man be tricked into having sex with another man? Please, please explain that to me.
Girl, get out of my face before I punch you in it! I’m done with you, as you should be done with that clown. He’s pulled one old magic stunt on you saying he’d been tricked. LOL! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
I tell you what. Think back to how many times he disappears with no explanation of where he’s been, or some lame excuse of his missing in action stories. Think back to the many mysterious men he’s been with and you discounted them as just friends. Think back to the many times when you’re not with him at night, and you’ve called and didn’t get an answer until the next day, or so. Think back to the last time you had sex. Yeah, it’s been a long time, and he wasn’t really into huh? Well, like you, I’ve been tricked too! How about that! Abracadabra! Poof! I’m gone! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
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You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!