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Dear Gay Best Friend,
It’s funny how you think the relationship is fine and one day your partner asks you to go to your father’s house because she needs space. I always thought of space in a relationship as time apart, us doing our own thing and coming back together. Space is not telling, asking or forcing someone to leave their house too. That is a separation.
We have been together for five years, not all was bad either. One day, things just changed, no more talking to each other. Our relationship became silent and cold. We don’t even sleep in the same bed. Petty fights became huge fights. Never thought this day would come. The crazy thing is I am not mad at her just a little hurt, hurt by the fact that this feels so permanent. I am having a hard time sleeping and trying not to pick up the phone to get my wife back.
People tell me that if she put you out once she will do it again. I believe that our families finally did what they wanted to do five years ago, see us apart. I could be wrong, but I could be right. The thing is I want us and I think she does to, we just don’t know how to do ourselves and still do us. Should I fight or flight for this relationship? Lost In Seattle
Dear Mr. Lost In Seattle,
So, let me get this straight (no pun intended). You and your wife haven’t been sleeping in the same bed, you argue over petty things, you don’t speak, and she’s basically put you out because, “she needs space,” uhm, have you heard of the song, When A Woman’s Fed Up, by R. Kelly? Yeah, uhm, she’s fed up. When a woman stops sexing you, asks you to leave, and she puts you out of the house, uhm, yeah, she’s mentally, emotionally, and physically checked out of the relationship.
You didn’t say what happened. And, you didn’t say why she asked you to leave. Something happened and you need to figure out what it was. But, you have to speak to her to find out what that is, and asking me, your family members, friends, or whomever will not get you the answer. She has the answer. Go to the damn source!
Chile, I don’t understand you folks who have been in relationships with folks for 2, 5, 10, 20 years and scared to talk to them. Man up! You better open your mouth. If you want answers then you got to start talking and asking questions. And, listen. Chile, I swear folks don’t listen these days. You’re so invested in arguing and trying to prove your point and be right that you miss the entire conversation. Ugh!
Don’t you know communication, communication, communication is the key to making relationships work. It’s obvious you two are on separate pages because your definition of “space” is clearly not the same as hers. You should have asked her what she meant by “she needs space” while you were packing your –ish and putting them garbage bags in your trunk.
And, I’m sure, no I’m positive, that she didn’t just wake up one day and say, “Get out! Go to your father’s house,” without just cause. You even said the petty fights became huge fights. You also said that you don’t sleep in the same bed. Uhm, are you oblivious and naïve? You’re not sleeping in the same bed with your wife. Anyone who can see from a mile away knows that something was doomed when you start sleeping in separate beds. That was a red blaring blinking clue. That didn’t happen one day, it happened over a period of time. So, ask yourself what happened. Duh, Opie!
I need for you to fess up and tell us what you did. Come on, be honest, what did you do? We’re all waiting.
You also mentioned other people, outside sources, i.e. family members are involved in your relationship. It’s time to put that –ish on ice. Why are you and she running to your family members and telling them what’s going on in your relationship? That’s how mess gets started. You and your wife need to stop running your damn mouths and work out your issues with one another. Keep folks out of your relationship and out of your household. Be the man and the head of your house. Grow some balls because it’s obvious you don’t have any! Or maybe she has them. BOOM! BAM! POW!
Look, Mr. Lost In Seattle, fight for your woman. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your relationship. Sit down and talk with your wife and find out what’s beneath the surface of all this. Because, Chile, if she has asked you to leave, you’re no longer sleeping together, and you’re not talking in your own damn house, trust and believe she is thinking of moving on without you. I strongly urge marriage counseling, a spiritual counselor such as your pastor, minister, or Bishop, and a true deep desire to get to the bottom of the issues in your relationship. Also, it’s going to take some time to get back to where you want the relationship to be. It’s not going to happen overnight, or next week. It’s going to take some time, but again, if she isn’t feeling you emotionally, mentally, or physically, then, uhm, it’s a wrap! And, I’m going to need for you to get some hair on your chest and stop crying with these sleepless nights, and pick up the damn phone. What the hell!! Why you scared? She got you spooked like that? Chile, I wish I might. In the infamous words of Bone Crusher (where is he?), “I Ain’t Neva Scared!”– Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
How many of you have experienced your spouse asking you to leave because they need space, and you’re not sleeping in the same bed, don’t speak, and argue all the time? How many of you fought to get them back?
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