If there is one thing I am an expert on it’s holding back emotional text messages. I use the drop, stop and roll out method with my phone when I know I’m about to explode via text, maybe I’ll share it with you one day. Emotional text messages, calling a phone 5 times in a row with the last attempt going straight to voice mail and snooping are all a man’s worst nightmare. This is the ammo they use to deem a chick crazy, needy, clingy and one worth avoiding. I’ll never forget the time one of my exes called me a stalker. That’s a horrible title to give anyone, especially me since I’ve been stalked before to the point where I feared for my safety, one just does not throw that word around lightly.
Something obviously brought him to this point. I had been asking when we would next meet up (it had been awhile) and he was giving me the run around, “I’m busy.”
It came to the point where I had strategically planned when and how we could meet to work around his schedule. I wanted to have breakfast with him after he finished his night-shift and offered to meet at the entrance of his workplace, that’s when he texted back:“stalking is not cute.”
It was a powerful blow to my ego, gut and it hurt badly. I wanted to text back a paragraph of hate, or just call until he picked up because I had to curse him out! It was at that moment I knew I had been moving from a low and desperate place. He wasn’t busy; he just did not want to make time for me.
I rationalized, compartmentalized and tried to make sense of what was already apparent. He just called me a stalker! Breakfast. Stalker.
I didn’t understand men. I didn’t understand his need for freedom and I failed to realize that it is not cute to throw yourself at someone who hasn’t the desire to reciprocate back. It was hard to understand why I could not have my way and why he wouldn’t just end it and stop talking to me.
I was angry as hell, why didn’t he just tell me to get lost?! The fact is even if he told me I would’ve still dragged my feet through the mud for I was moving from a low and desperate place. I was lonely and convinced that I had to make this work or risk being one of the many single black and let’s be real-miserable women in my family.
When we date we are looking for a companion, a soul mate, and a life partner someone who can hold us down and lift us up. Someone who with as little as 5 second glances can send electricity current up our spine and vice versa.
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You will not find him moving from a desperate place. He detests the woman who puts the chokehold on his freedom, the woman who constantly lets him get away with disrespect, the woman who wants him to replace her absentee father- It’s a lot of pressure. He feels enough pressure having to provide so in order for him to commit he needs a rock. A woman who is steadfast, who takes care of her temple (body, mind and soul) and loves herself as much as she loves the people around her.
You cannot be a rock if you throw yourself at men, demanding from them like a pesky bill collector I learned that the hard way. They don’t need another burden to bear, they need a partner and a team player. If dating is a draft, what are you bringing to the team? Are you an asset or a liability?
Liability: clingy, cold, distrustful and constant self-doubt
Asset: self-assured, confident, trusting, compassionate
Dating desperate means that your main objective is to get chosen. This is an extremely high-risk situation emotionally because the pressure is put on the other person to constantly make you happy. This will cause you to make irrational decisions, rush into a commitment & base your happiness upon what was said and not what was done.
You should NEVER base your happiness on one source. That is the mistake a lot of women make, which is why it’s easy for many of us to get a man but difficult to keep him.
I challenge women to date with no expectations, strong boundaries and the goal of having a good time. Each interaction should be about doing things together that you both like and not about…”you owe me”, “aren’t you supposed to.”
I promise you the more you can detach from the idea of ‘getting chose” the more exciting growth you will see in your love life.
Easier said than done? Have a situation you’re trying desperately to make sense of? Let’s connect, send me an email firstname.lastname@example.org
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