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bored-black-womanDating is such a rarity these days, that instead of going into it with an open mind and good intentions, we have set our expectations so high that we are rarely satisfied. Let’s be honest, most of our expectations are unrealistic and shallow. We naturally want the best of everything: the looks, the charm, and the date that we can brag about with our friends. The high of meeting that dream person for the first time is exhilarating, but when it comes to dating what we want and what we need are vastly different.

I will go out on a limb and say that for each time wants are given more attention than our needs, we miss out on opportunities for better quality relationships.

MUST READ: 5 Fun Dating Tips From Niecy Nash

I often receive letters from women who are torn between being treated well in a relationship or having physical and sexual attraction. This to me is a clear sign that the individual does not know what it is they want out of  their love life.

They haven’t set in place a vision for what a functional and mutually beneficial relationship for them entails. I say this because I’ve obviously been there: Afraid to disappoint, look like the “bad guy” for saying what I really feel or just wanting to bask in being spoiled. Dating someone who you are not into is a clear indication of your level of maturity when it comes to love.

A set of chiseled abs is not going to be there for you when you are at your lowest point emotionally, in fact 9 out of 10 people in our lives will not be able to reach out their hand for you when you need them the most. They might be able to empathize and send a few kind words your way but the reality is each and every person has their limits and you have no choice but to accept it.

I’ve recently learned that a relationship is not solidified until you’ve gone through a brunt of disagreements. I’m not talking about Joseline & Stevie J type disagreements,  I’m talking about getting past that initial “head in the clouds” stage in your relationship to the nitty gritty. As women it is essential that we lose the lust for want and develop a passion for need.

Think about the last time you needed someone to be there for you and instead the door kept getting slammed in your face. It happens. Think about how lonely and frustrated you felt. Well the next time you go on a date I challenge you to judge your date based upon his ability to tough it out. I also challenge you to be the bad guy.

I remember the last time I had to be the bad guy, it made me sick to my stomach, I was terribly anxious. I didn’t want to really say what was on my mind, I felt as though there should have been a book of etiquette for rejection. But can I tell you after that awkward moment in time I felt so much better and in retrospect my honesty probably helped more than it hurt in the end.

I know what I want out of my life, especially my love life. I could not have attracted healthier relationships with men if I hadn’t been the bad guy once or twice before. Knowing what you want is not just saying you want the perfect man to wait on you hand and foot and be amazing sauce in bed. Knowing what you want is also making sacrifice and doing the groundwork so that you accurately reflect the qualities you are hoping to attract. This means being honest, transparent, trusting, considerate, exciting and filled with passion.

My passion tank is overflowing, everyone’s passion tank is capable of reaching that plateau. You need this before you need that story to brag to your girlfriends about. You cannot sustain a relationship based upon fulfilling your wants.

So he’s not causing immediate butterflies, does he have to? If you’re truly in your power you are clearly able to decipher what is really attractive from what you need for a happy and fulfilled love life. These days I find that sacrificing time to help me complete a project or spending a whole day trading stories and experiences far outweighs that wow factor or those immediate butterflies that I once HAD to have in order to go forward with a person. Looks matter don’t get me wrong but I would not recommend staying in a relationship or giving someone multiple tries if the connection is simply not there. Be the bad guy for once.

How do you tell someone you’re dating that you are not that into them?

Tonight join myself & the Battle of The Sexes Oakland Panel members on Twitter for our first ever Tweet Chat sponsored by Sequin Wines.

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