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Dear Gay Best Friend,
Here it is: I am a 38-year old single mother of two. I am recently engaged to the love of my life. The problem: When I first moved to the Atlanta area I asked my mother to move in and help me with my children because they were both really small and I didn’t want them to spend countless hours at a day care due to my work hours. She agreed and when she came my father agreed to give her money every month as well.
It has now been 12 years and she still lives with me and I still take wonderful care of her. But, she is feeling less wanted and needed in the house with the girls both in high school and being teenagers. Then, with me having a man also has added drama to the issue. She has become over clingy and demanding of my time, and needing more money from me to do things. I have tried to get her interested in other things, like making friends and going on trips, but she always comes up with an excuse on why she can’t do anything. But, then when I plan things for me to do it’s a problem.
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I try to be understanding and I tell her everyday that I love and appreciate all that she has done and still does for me. I have even gotten her a dog because she says she needs a companion to keep her company. I bought a new car and gave her my truck. I pay all her bills (personal and leisure). My fiancé is willing to still do what is necessary to care for my mother because he knows getting me also means getting her too. He has no problem with her being there or anything. What else can I do? I am at a complete lost? – Not Trying To Be Mean
Dear Ms. Not Trying To Be Mean,
Uhm, it’s time for your mother to go home and be with her husband. The hell is going on??!?!! I’m sorry, but, she has worn out her welcome. Your initial offer was for her to come and help with the little ones. The problem with this is that you both got comfortable with the situation. You didn’t put a time limit on the help, and how long she was to assist you.
Now, that the kids are older, and you got a new man, she feels like the odd woman out. She doesn’t have anything to do, and no one to care for. How about she goes home and care for her husband? Why is she still with you and not at home spending quality time with her husband? Is there something you didn’t tell, or something I missed?
Yeah, it’s time to let your mom know that it’s time for her to go home, to her house. You’re taking care of her like a child, and that’s cool, but it’s a burdensome, and you don’t want to say it. Well, I’ll say it! She is getting on your nerves, stressing you out, and you want her to get some business and find something to keep her company because you can’t entertain her, your fiancé, your kids, and yourself. You can only spread yourself so thin. And, if everyone keeps pulling at you, you will have a nervous breakdown. You need some sanity in your home. And, you have to lay down the law and rules in order to make this happen.
Just like you mentioned in your letter, continue to let your mother know that you love her and all that she has done. Let her know that she is truly an amazing woman, but, however, you feel it will be better if she either got her own apartment in Atlanta, or go home to her husband and you and the kids can visit every month, or during the holidays. Or, she can visit once a month, or the holidays, and to bring her husband. She’s missed out on 12 wonderful years with her husband, and building quality time with him. I’m certain that he misses her. And, I’m certain that is what she is missing. She needs some good loving, and someone to make her feel wanted. So, until she goes home and deal with her husband, and rekindle their love she will be worrying you.
So, make some adjustments, and continue to be supportive of her and nurturing. The great thing is that your fiancé is also concerned about her. Therefore, the two of you can go to her together and continue to be nurturing, loving, and supportive as you transition your mother on her own, or back home with her husband. And, make it a family affair and have your girls to continue to call, and make special visits to her. I get the feeling that your mother may feel she will miss out on something, and that you will forget about her. I’m sure that you won’t, so, keep the lines of communication open, and be honest with her. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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