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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been married for 18 months and I am miserable! My husband and I met through a mutual friend and we were never apart since. Everything was perfect! All of our friends were jealous of our relationship.
About a year and a half into our relationship he lost his job. It was at this point that everything started to fall apart. He was blaming me for everything, yet I was the only one supporting him mentally, and financially. I ended up breaking up with him, which was the hardest thing at the time. During the break up he invited me over one night and I got to witness him having sex with his ex!
He finally got a job where I was working as well. We still weren’t together but we were “talking” and working on getting back together. I showed up at his house and there he was with some girl that worked with us (yet another stab in my heart).
We finally got back together and a couple months later I was pregnant. He was so excited and I was so disappointed in myself. He insisted that we get married (even though I didn’t want to), so about a week before our daughter was born we went to the court house and got married. During my pregnancy he was not supportive at all. I didn’t have a job because the place we worked at was not a health place for a pregnant woman. He always threw it in my face that he pays the bills. I couldn’t turn the AC lower. There was rarely ever food that I could eat, and he hit my hand with a sandal in front of his family because I spoke to him in a way I shouldn’t have. When our daughter was born he left me in the hospital alone for the majority of the time. Needless to say I HATED my pregnancy!
After my daughter was born he seemed to change and it actually started to feel like it did in the beginning. My dad gave us one of his houses and his cousin moved in with us. About 6 months ago I caught him cheating! Since then he has tried to prove to me that he “loves” me and that he wants to be with me, but he has failed miserably! I can’t stand him and I have no respect for him anymore. Last night he told me to stop being a F#$%ing P*$$Y in front of our daughter. That was my last straw! I’m done! There is so many other problems it’s just disgusting, especially the fact that I don’t get along with his family and he always puts them above me and our daughter.
Just wanted to thank you for all the encouraging articles! My best friend is always making me read them! Regards – Fed Up
Dear Ms. Fed Up,
Sigh! Just like you, I’m done.
Your letter. Uhm, your situation. Uhm, your drama. Uhm, your relationship is, well, hmmm, tell me again why you married him and bore a child with this man?
I have a saying and it goes like this, “If you don’t like your situation, change it. If you don’t like where you live, move. If you don’t like your job, quit and get another one. If you don’t like your relationship, then get out.” And, if you don’t like being married and you’re miserable, then you do what? The clue is in my saying just in case your mind is a little slow.
Girl, are you seven years old? The man hit you on the hand with a sandal in front of his family because you spoke to him in a way you shouldn’t have? Chile, you should have waited until that night when he went to bed, and while he was sound asleep, you should have gotten that BIG BLACK SKILLET, you know the one that you fry the chicken in? Gurl!! But, I will digress, because everyone knows I am not one for violence. I do not condone a man hitting a woman at all! That is grounds for catching a case. And, honey, before you catch a case, GET OUT!
I also am not one for going back to someone after repeatedly catching them cheating several times. I do, and I strongly believe there is a desperation gene lurking in some women today. It’s spliced with loneliness and low self-esteem. I also believe it is genetic, so I suggest you look into your family’s history and see if the other women displayed behaviors such as – thinking you can’t live without a man, so any man will do. And, if he cheats, then it’s okay, so long as he promises not to do it again, and if he does, you will put him out and let him beg and plead for a good two to three months before you take him back. That’ll show him you ain’t playing. And, there is also letting a man misuse, abuse, and emotionally tear you down. Because you don’t love yourself, know your self-worth, or value your own life, you will let a man demean and belittle you because it proves his undying and unconditional love.
Now, if you find those symptoms within you, and it runs throughout the history of women in your family, then you have inherited the desperation gene.
But, here’s the great news. You can reconfigure and redesign your life despite having this gene. Yes, ma’am. There is hope for you. We have space open in our new Women’s Academy For Delusional Behavior And Stuck On Stupid. Now, I need for you to send me your credit card information, oh wait, I bet you don’t have a credit card. Oh well, just give me your banking information, preferably checking, and the pin number so I can deduct the enrollment fees.
Look, Ms. Fed Up, you’ve caught your man cheating on several occasions. What is your breaking point? When is enough really enough for you? And, check this out. When your man lost his job you were breaking your back and taking care of the home. The tables turned and he treated you like you had the plague. He made you feel worthless and useless. I’m sorry, but your man is vile, despicable, and spineless. And, he is not man. He’s a grown ass boy who needs his ass beat. Girl, you saw the signs ahead of time, yet you still married him. Who can you really blame but yourself? And, the man is more than emotionally abusive to you, he is mentally and physically abusive as well. Why do you allow him to beat you down? Why do you allow him to break your spirit? Chile, there is a scripture that states, “God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” Get your –ish together, pack your bags, and leave! You have the power over your life. You have the power over your destiny. Stop giving it away! One thing I know for sure is that you can’t make someone love themselves if they don’t, and you sure as hell can’t make someone love you if they already don’t. And, right now, you don’t love you, and he doesn’t love you. Until you learn how to love yourself, you will be stuck in that rut of a marriage until something detrimental happens. It’s time to get you some Jesus, some praying aunties and grandmamas, and if you got some brothers and uncles, you need to let them know how he is treating you. Let them men handle your boy problem. And, your spirit and mind, you’ve got to let God work with you on that. Turn it all over to God! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!