You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?
Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
My husband and I have been married for eight years, but we’ve been together for ten years. Over the years he has done some awful things to me. You name it he has done it, cheat, lie, steal, physically abusive, and verbally abusive. He has walked out on me five times. He has stayed out all night several times (with another woman which he claims nothing ever happened because they’re just friends). He constantly tells me about who he’s attracted to and who he wants to have sex with. He has invited women to our home and had them in my car. I can go on and on.
Finally, after all of these years of pain I have had enough. We are separating soon and I plan to file for a divorce ASAP. My question is I have this yearning to know why he has done all of these things to me. How can he do all these things to me? He says it’s because at the beginning of our relationship, and before we were married or even lived together, I slept with my baby daddy whom I was living with at the time, but was on the verge of ending that abusive relationship.
I just can’t believe that he would do all of those evil things to me because of that incident. I continue to want an explanation but have gotten the same response every time I’ve asked. I’m moving on, but for some reason I just want to understand why and how could he have done these things to me. How can I get over this yearning and say, “Oh, well, it is what it is.” Please HELP – I Just Don’t Get It
Dear I Just Don’t Get It,
Lawd, Jesus, please take the wheel! You mean to tell me that you just don’t get it? You don’t understand why he has done all those horrible things to you? You really don’t know? Come on now, sweetie, you’ve got to be joking with me. Please tell me your name is Mo’Nique and you’re pulling one fierce stunt on me right now.
Girl, look at your letter. Seriously, I want you to re-read it and examine what you’ve said. Chile, I don’t have time for this. Not today. If you take a careful look at your letter you will see a pattern. Yes, darling, a pattern. You stated in your letter that you left an abusive relationship, and got into another one. You went from one bad situation into another bad situation. That is a pattern, darling.
I can’t with you today. Let me take a moment and breathe. Why do folks think they can go around creeping with someone, yet they are in a relationship with someone else? Then they leave their relationship to be with their fling, and it crumbles, but wants to know why it didn’t work. You need Jesus in your life. I’m serious. You need to be in somebody’s church. Your spiritual life is out of order and when your spiritual life is out of order, your natural life is out of order.
I need you to do some reflecting. Yes, go back in your mind and look at all your previous relationships. Go ahead, take a good look at your life overall. Notice if you’ve dated other men prior to those two who were abusive verbally or physically. If you can go back into your memory and really look at yourself, then your journey to why and what is going on is half way done. Okay, you’ve reflected. What do you see? What have you noticed? Is there a pattern of men? Were they abusive?
But, I’m curious to know if you come from an abusive family. Not as far as you being abused by a parent, but watched your mother be abused by boyfriends or her husband. And, if you watched that behavior and assessed it as, “That’s what love is about. It’s about fighting for who you love, and sometimes you have to take the abuse. Sometimes you have to let men be men and stand by their side regardless of how dirty and trifling they are.” If you’ve experienced that, or something similar, then you are inherently creating yourself as a victim and repeating a vicious and ugly cycle in your family.
So, if you want to know why the men in your life walk all over you and treat you the way that they do it’s because you allow them to do it. I AM SAYING THIS AGAIN, AND CHILE I AM TIRED OF REPEATING MYSELF. YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. IF YOU THINK YOU UNWORTHY, LESS THAN, TRASH, OR POWERLESS, THEN GUESS WHAT, THAT IS HOW PEOPLE WILL TREAT YOU!
You’ve allowed your husband to do and get away with his behavior because you feel you deserve it. Now, that may be your sense of normalcy, and I’m not about telling people what their reality is, but, being someone’s punching bag both verbally and physically, honey, you better watch Farrah Fawcett’s movie, The Burning Bed. (wink, wink)
However, I do strongly, and I mean strongly urge you to get my book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I have a chapter entitled, Forgive: ‘Cause You Know Not What You Do. In this chapter I tell the story of a woman named Katherine who was like you. She was with a man who constantly berated her, complimented other women and told her who he would sleep with, and even stepped out on her. Chile, I’m not going to get in depth about the story, but you need to read it.
Look, Ms. I Just Don’t Get It, you really need some serious therapy, some lessons on learning how to forgive yourself, loving yourself, and recognizing certain behaviors in men that I’m sure you’ve noticed but chose to ignore. Life is all about learning the lessons from our mistakes, journeys, travels, and relationships. If you don’t learn anything from your relationships, then you are bound to repeat them. And, you, Ms. Slow-In-The-Head, must be in the third grade of life because you refuse to grow up and look at your situations. It doesn’t take rocket science, hell, it doesn’t even take flipping a burger, in order for you to see what’s so obvious. YOU DON’T LOVE YOU! YOU DON’T APPRECIATE YOU! When you get your divorce you need to spend lots of time ALONE. Work on you developing your spirit, nurturing yourself, and building your self-esteem. Don’t you get into another relationship! No ma’am. You better not, or I will find you and snatch you bald! And, no, Ms. Honey, no one deserves what that asshole did to you. Girl, I’m sitting here shaking. I need me a damn drank! Now, I don’t condone violence, but, err, uhm, I suggest you get that big black pot from under the sink, fill it up with water, get it to a boil and put some grits in it, and, uhm, you know the rest. And, like he walked out on you five times before, when you give him those grits and he’s hopping around, tell him, “Now walk it out, now walk it out, now walk it out.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!