I recently celebrated my 30th birthday–wow, I know, major. So major that I can’t stop announcing it. Celebrating this milestone was nothing short of amazing, but it caused me to reflect like I never have before. I reflected deeply on my love life over the past decade. Did I just say decade!?! I often get lost in deep thought– I’m a thinker, a doer however not too much of a speaker so I speak through my articles.
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One idea that I wrestled with throughout my twenties was that I wanted nothing more than to get “chose”. Getting chose was uber important because it meant that someone wanted me and that I actually belonged. Our twenties are a continuation of the self-discovery we are introduced to as teens. In this decade we are beginning to know who we are but we wanna see receipts.
Am I this wonderful worthy to be loved person? If I am, why do I constantly have to date or spend periodic Saturday nights solo? I realize this won’t be everyone’s journey but as I talk to more folks I find that it’s common to have these thoughts from time to time…getting chose.
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As my twenties came to a close I quickly learned that I had to choose myself before anybody could step into my love life in a meaningful way.
Here are 5 love lessons I’ve learned over the past *gulp* decade:
- Fit The Mold: Those stringent lists many relationship experts shove down our throats about what you need to do to attract a man are mainly BULL. Nowhere on any of these lists do they encourage you to celebrate who you are as an individual. We are attracted to folks who are attracted to themselves first. You can be an awesome cook, a great lay (or hold off on the bedroom action for 90 days) and have a killer body but none of that matters if you don’t revel in your talents, show and proof with integrity and have an iron clad sense of self- none of it.
- What is said, is not necessarily what is: I’m a writer I can appreciate some creative sweet talk, but words don’t mean a thing without the actions to back it up. I’m feeling you I can see us being together needs to be backed up with true to live actions, or it’s nothing more than a beautiful lie.
- Listen with care, act as if you looking in the mirror: I have been known to make people cry with how cold I can be. It’s not even my words it’s my lack of them and how quick I cut them out of my life. That’s not something I’m proud of because I know that I would not want to be treated like that no matter what I’ve done. We all deserve the chance to be heard and treated with respect. I have learned to listen first react second.
- Take care of me: I’ve done some silly things and made mistakes that could’ve affected my health. I make sure to put my health including sexual health at the forefront. This means regular checkups at the lady doctor, regular doctor and any kind of doctor who will have me. My body is my temple.
- Consideration is key: My former counselor once told me to look for a man who is considerate of course I ya, ya I know’d myself off the topic. At the time I had no idea how important that statement would be later on down the line. A considerate partner’s spirit is contagious, love is considerate and kind. Are you considerate to your body? Do you work yourself until there’s none of you left? Start to show yourself consideration and see how quickly you attract someone with the same mantra.
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So what have we learned today class? See that’s the beauty, my lessons are not gonna be the same as your lessons but I hope you can ride with me on parts of the list.
It gets better. I remember being so caught up after a breakup that I was forgetting to eat, my pants were lose and it took someone at work pointing it out my weight loss for me to be conscious of it. It got better. I became a kinder person because of pain. I became someone who rejoiced in herself because I was made to feel at points in my life that I wasn’t good enough.
Celebrate yourself this Thanksgiving and holiday season. It’s important to be grateful for things that we have but try something new and grateful for you, your wonderful quirks, the often embarrassing not-so-perfect family, and the fact that you have another day to make a difference on planet earth.
What are some love lessons that you’ve learned from your family or past lovers?
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