I’ve been in as rocky relationship for three years. My boyfriend infected me with HIV. He unknowingly had it for years. My treatment is going well and high in numbers. His is low and stable. We don’t talk about it with each other.
I emotionally cheated on him just to feel beautiful. Flirting with others makes me feel normal in some weird way. I feel like a walking disease 95% of the time. Mentally, I’m not coping so well. I have a 4 year old daughter whom is not his and he’s helped me with her throughout these past years. He doesn’t work, gets food stamps, and he cooks, but I work 60 hours a week to support the three of us. But, bills are still hectic.
On two occasions he has taken money from me without me knowing it. This last time he took money that went for my HIV meds. That was the last straw. I told him to leave. That same night he left and came back asking for a hug. Then he told me that this grandmother had died. He was crying and emotional. I only met his father and I’ve never met anyone else in his family in three years. He’s met everyone in mine. His family doesn’t know his status, mine knows everything. I guess the real question is I know he lost a loved one and he has my sympathies, but I’m cold to him. The taking of the money for my meds killed any emotion I have for him. He’s asking for hugs and support and a shoulder to cry on. But I feel nothing. How should I feel? Am I truly heartless? – Heartless
Dear Ms. Heartless,
WOW! I’m floored and beyond words right now. Your boyfriend unknowingly had HIV for years, and infected you with the virus. If this is not a wake-up call for all you readers out there, then I don’t know what else to say. No matter who the person is, what they look like, and how long you’ve been with them, please make sure to get an HIV test with your partner before you start having unprotected sex with them. Do not engage in any sexual activity with anyone and you do not know their HIV status, or if they are harboring any communicable diseases. Protect yourself at all times.
Now, back to you Ms. Heartless. Uhm, sweetie if you are saying that you have no feelings for him after he took money from you, then you are equating your feelings with things. Money is replaceable, and there is an abundance of it in the world. Yes, he’s an asshole for stealing your money, and to be blunt, HE’S A THIEF. Kick his ass to the curb. But, my concern is your emotional and mental well-being, and the fact that I don’t think you’re upset, cold, and heartless because he took your money for your HIV meds. I think you’re really upset and haven’t dealt with the fact that he gave you HIV.
Your anger, hurt, and pain stems from the disease he has left you with for the rest of your life. Ba-by, you haven’t really addressed it, nor have you emotionally or mentally dealt with the affects of being HIV Positive, nor the impact he’s having on your life by remaining in a relationship with him. Go on and say it, “You hate him. You hate what he did to you. You can’t stand him. Why did this happen to you? Are you going to live long enough to see your daughter grow up, graduate school, go to college, or get married?” You’ve been asking yourself all those questions with such venomous hatred for your boyfriend, but you secretly don’t say anything. You hold it in and just deal with it. You cry yourself to sleep at night. It’s too much to deal with and you feel hopeless. Honey, I can read it all in the undertone of your letter.
I also noticed the statement where you said, “Mentally, I am not coping well.” This leads me to believe that you may be suffering from depression, or some other emotional/mental illness and it’s displaced because of your hatred and resentment toward your boyfriend. Yes, sweetie, you have some resentment and underlying hatred toward him. You even said that neither of you don’t speak about it with each other. You are holding in all that anger, hatred, and worthlessness because of what he did to you. That is an emotional and mental issue you need to deal with.
But, also, Ms. Thing, I’m curious as to why you would stay in a rocky and unhealthy relationship with a man who is in denial about his illness, doesn’t work, steals from you, and has never introduced you to any of his family members? I’ll wait while you think about it. But, I gather the only reason you stay with him is because you feel as if no one else will want you. You don’t feel desirable, or loved. Your self-esteem and self-worth are sitting in a locked box in a corner of the closet.
It’s time to heal and move on. It’s time to let him go and get him out of your life. Why be with someone who doesn’t value their own life? Why be with someone who steals from you and lies to you? He’s self-destructive, irresponsible, and self-absorbed. He’s reckless with his life, and you do not need that in your life. You need to be strong, mature, and empowered for yourself and your daughter. You have to rebuild and reclaim your life. And, it doesn’t include him. Stop thinking you’re undesirable and that no one will want you. There are plenty of people who are HIV positive who date and have healthy sex lives. There are many HIV negative people who date and have married someone HIV positive. You just have to be upfront with your partners, and use protective measures for both yourself and them. I also suggest you find a strong church home or spiritual foundation. Work on healing your soul and developing your spiritual muscle. And, seek some counseling for your emotional well-being. Stop being a victim and become a victor. – Straight From your Gay Best Friend
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