I’ve been in as rocky relationship for three years. My boyfriend infected me with HIV. He unknowingly had it for years. My treatment is going well and high in numbers. His is low and stable. We don’t talk about it with each other.
I emotionally cheated on him just to feel beautiful. Flirting with others makes me feel normal in some weird way. I feel like a walking disease 95% of the time. Mentally, I’m not coping so well. I have a 4 year old daughter whom is not his and he’s helped me with her throughout these past years. He doesn’t work, gets food stamps, and he cooks, but I work 60 hours a week to support the three of us. But, bills are still hectic.
On two occasions he has taken money from me without me knowing it. This last time he took money that went for my HIV meds. That was the last straw. I told him to leave. That same night he left and came back asking for a hug. Then he told me that this grandmother had died. He was crying and emotional. I only met his father and I’ve never met anyone else in his family in three years. He’s met everyone in mine. His family doesn’t know his status, mine knows everything. I guess the real question is I know he lost a loved one and he has my sympathies, but I’m cold to him. The taking of the money for my meds killed any emotion I have for him. He’s asking for hugs and support and a shoulder to cry on. But I feel nothing. How should I feel? Am I truly heartless? – Heartless
Dear Ms. Heartless,
WOW! I’m floored and beyond words right now. Your boyfriend unknowingly had HIV for years, and infected you with the virus. If this is not a wake-up call for all you readers out there, then I don’t know what else to say. No matter who the person is, what they look like, and how long you’ve been with them, please make sure to get an HIV test with your partner before you start having unprotected sex with them. Do not engage in any sexual activity with anyone and you do not know their HIV status, or if they are harboring any communicable diseases. Protect yourself at all times.
Now, back to you Ms. Heartless. Uhm, sweetie if you are saying that you have no feelings for him after he took money from you, then you are equating your feelings with things. Money is replaceable, and there is an abundance of it in the world. Yes, he’s an asshole for stealing your money, and to be blunt, HE’S A THIEF. Kick his ass to the curb. But, my concern is your emotional and mental well-being, and the fact that I don’t think you’re upset, cold, and heartless because he took your money for your HIV meds. I think you’re really upset and haven’t dealt with the fact that he gave you HIV.
Your anger, hurt, and pain stems from the disease he has left you with for the rest of your life. Ba-by, you haven’t really addressed it, nor have you emotionally or mentally dealt with the affects of being HIV Positive, nor the impact he’s having on your life by remaining in a relationship with him. Go on and say it, “You hate him. You hate what he did to you. You can’t stand him. Why did this happen to you? Are you going to live long enough to see your daughter grow up, graduate school, go to college, or get married?” You’ve been asking yourself all those questions with such venomous hatred for your boyfriend, but you secretly don’t say anything. You hold it in and just deal with it. You cry yourself to sleep at night. It’s too much to deal with and you feel hopeless. Honey, I can read it all in the undertone of your letter.
I also noticed the statement where you said, “Mentally, I am not coping well.” This leads me to believe that you may be suffering from depression, or some other emotional/mental illness and it’s displaced because of your hatred and resentment toward your boyfriend. Yes, sweetie, you have some resentment and underlying hatred toward him. You even said that neither of you don’t speak about it with each other. You are holding in all that anger, hatred, and worthlessness because of what he did to you. That is an emotional and mental issue you need to deal with.
But, also, Ms. Thing, I’m curious as to why you would stay in a rocky and unhealthy relationship with a man who is in denial about his illness, doesn’t work, steals from you, and has never introduced you to any of his family members? I’ll wait while you think about it. But, I gather the only reason you stay with him is because you feel as if no one else will want you. You don’t feel desirable, or loved. Your self-esteem and self-worth are sitting in a locked box in a corner of the closet.
It’s time to heal and move on. It’s time to let him go and get him out of your life. Why be with someone who doesn’t value their own life? Why be with someone who steals from you and lies to you? He’s self-destructive, irresponsible, and self-absorbed. He’s reckless with his life, and you do not need that in your life. You need to be strong, mature, and empowered for yourself and your daughter. You have to rebuild and reclaim your life. And, it doesn’t include him. Stop thinking you’re undesirable and that no one will want you. There are plenty of people who are HIV positive who date and have healthy sex lives. There are many HIV negative people who date and have married someone HIV positive. You just have to be upfront with your partners, and use protective measures for both yourself and them. I also suggest you find a strong church home or spiritual foundation. Work on healing your soul and developing your spiritual muscle. And, seek some counseling for your emotional well-being. Stop being a victim and become a victor. – Straight From your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
Click on the “LIKE” button of Terrance Dean’s Facebook Page, click HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, click HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, click HERE!
Also On HelloBeautiful:
1. Blue. #May10 #NYC
2. Blue Ivy & Mommy
3. Daddy & Me
Blue Ivy walks across mommy's at-home photoshoot, but it's the most adorable photobomb ever!
5. One Big Happy Family
The royal family, Bey, Jay & Blue are all out shopping and we're sure they spent our entire life's savings in 30 minutes or less.
6. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
Beyonce in these heels though?!
7. Beyoncé & Blue in NYC — Nov. 4
Look at Blue in her adorable little bow!
8. Beyoncé & Blue spotted in NYC — Nov. 4
Blue holding on to mommy for dear life.
9. Beyoncé & Blue spotted in NYC — Nov. 4
Momma Bey looking fierce with her mini me in tow.
10. Blue dressed as Michael Jackson.
11. Blue & Ivy
Just look at that face. Seriously, Jay could never deny this child! She knows how to make all his mean mugs!
12. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
Look at that cutie!
13. Beyoncé, Jay Z & Blue in Beverly Hills — Nov. 11
OMG Blue in a top knot? Yasss!
Blue has grown up to be an adorable toddler! We're swooning over this photo of her playing on the beach.
Looks like Blue is taking a walk in mom's shoes...literally.
16. Beyoncé & Blue
There's nothing like being cuddled up in mom's arms.
Blue is looking all kinds of adorable! Look at that left hand go! LOL.
18. Blue On The Big Screen
Bey & Jay look at Blue during a video played at an "On The Run" tour stop. How precious!
19. Pardon Blue's Back
She's growing up so fast! We're loving the top knot. Take that Blue Ivy hair critics!
20. Jump Around
Bey & Blue share an adorable moment on the trampoline. Hello summer!
21. Rocking Some Cute Ponytails
Blue Ivy was spotted with a new 'do! Bey & Jay's mini-me was holding on to her father during a little day stroll.
22. Strolling With Mom & Dad
Blue, Jay and Bey all spotted in East Hampton.
23. Blue Has A Manicure Day With Mama Bey
"Me and my Blue, and my Blue Blue, riding🐝"
24. Hanging Out With Mom
Baby Blue is walking to the door, and it looks like Bey is trying to keep up!
25. Trying On Some Heels
Will Blue be slaying a performance in the near future?
26. Holding On To Mom
Blue looks like she has something to say to Bey.
27. Playing A Game Of Tennis
Blue walks on the tennis court.
28. Cuddling With Mom
Blue & Beyonce have some much-needed cuddle time.
29. Blue Ivy
"The blueprint 🐝"
30. Bey & Blue Take A Stroll
Doesn't Blue look adorable with her colorful dress and cute hair ribbon?
31. The Carter Lounge Together
The family was seen out and about.
32. Jay Z Carries Blue While Bey Looks On
Jay carries Blue in his arms.
33. Leading The Way
Blue Ivy looks too cute with her bowler hat and Mama Bey watching from behind. She's really growing up!
34. Out On The Town
Blue Ivy & Momma Bey enjoy some much deserved time off in Spain.
35. Traveling With Mom and Dad
Blue is used to traveling with Mama Bey and Poppa Jay, but she also looked a little flustered at some moments. It's ok, baby Blue!
36. A Day At The Park
Poppa Jay Z lets Blue Ivy have her way with the bouncy horse.
37. It's A Family Affair
Beyonce, Jay and Blue jetsetting in Dublin.
Blue dressed up like a hipster and plays a quick game of peekaboo! How adorable!
39. OMG It's Blue's Beautiful Face!
FINALLY! We get to see how beautiful Blue is! Look at the adorable headband! "Blue 💙"
40. Blue Ivy
Life's a beach!
41. Brooklyn Stand Up!
"Beyonce & Blue"
42. Blue Ivy's Got Her Own iPhone
"Momma, what's your password?"
43. Beyonce's Lazy Day With Blue
"Momma, I asked you for your password!"
44. When Blue Ivy Takes Your Phone, Beyonce Be Like...
"Fine, I'll go ask Daddy!"
45. Blue Ivy On Tour
"Bey & Blue"
46. It's Playtime
Beyonce & Blue take some time out to play.
47. A Chilly Day In NYC
"Beyoncé, Jay Z and Blue Ivy in NYC - Jan. 19"
48. All Bundled Up
The royal family makes their way to their fancy car.
49. Kisses From Dad
Blue's all bundled up, getting love from Daddy.
50. Blue At The White House
Blue Ivy's taking after mommy and writing a letter.
51. Blue Loves Bo
The White House pup, Bo is showing Blue Ivy some love.
52. The Carters At The White House
Check out the royal family checking out the scene at the White House.
53. It's Christmas Time Again
Blue and Bey checking out the White House Christmas tree.
54. Blue Lovin' Bo
Blue Ivy, dressed like a Princess, showing Bo some love.
55. Like Father, Like Daughter
Blue playing dress up with Daddy's hat.
56. Fun Times With Mommy
Blue Ivy spends some QT with mommy.
57. Mommy & Me
Blue and Bey take a break for some snacks.
58. Silvery Blue
Beyonce carries Blue, while the adorable toddler rocks a metallic jacket that we want and need.
59. The Holy Grail
Blue, Bey & Jay
60. One Big Happy Family
"#miami #newyear #2014"
"Beyoncé & Blue 💙"
62. Blue & Daddy In A Blue Jacket
"Jay and Blue 💙 #NewYear #2014 #Miami"
63. Hold On To Me
"Happy New Year Mommy!"
64. Dora Dora Dora The Explorer
"Beyoncé, Blue and Dora the Explorer"
65. Daddy & Bey
"Look over there Blue, you own that too."
66. Blue's Big B-Day
"Mommy make sure they can only see the back of my head."
67. Painted Faces For Blue's Bday
"Let me get down Mommy, I wanna play!"
68. Kisses From Mommy
Beyonce and Blue prepping for Momma Tina's Masquerade Ball
69. Talk To The Hand!
Beyonce, Jay Z and Blue Ivy were spotted leaving Joey's restaurant in Miami, on January 8th, and Blue had a message for the paps! Talk to the hand!
70. Me & My Daddy
While Beyonce's arm rested, Jay carried Blue from Joey's restaurant, in Miami on January 8th.
71. Blue's First Words
"I'm ready to slay right along with you, Ma!"
72. Imagine The Sound Of This Lullaby
A newborn Blue Ivy gets serenaded by her superstar mother.
73. Don't Mess With Blue!
Every now and again, Blue Ivy reminds you...she is her father's child!
74. All Gold Everything
Blue Ivy takes after her dad's swag. The inseparable duo were spotted in South Beach, Miami illuminating the streets outside their hotel with their yellow luster!
75. All Of The Lights!
"Mommy! All the pretty colors are so blinding! I'm...just..so..overwhelmed! When's my shot coming?! When's my shot coming?!" Blue plays on set with Bey at her 'Blow' video shoot.
76. Hey Blue!
"I can be happy sometimes, see?"
77. Blue Ivy With Daddy
"Why are we clapping, again? I'm not in the shot."
78. Jay Z Tries To Get Blue To Listen To "Magna Carta Holy Grail"
"Daddy, I'm more of a Nas fan."
79. Stepping With Mom
"Wait, Ma. I want the camera to see all angles of this sick dress!"
80. Splashin' & Playin'
"Mom, this water is clean, right? Because I'm not trying to splash in water I can't trust."
81. Beyonce Discusses Important Matters
"Mommy, I completely get it. Yes, I promise to watch the throne."
82. Mommy's Hugs
"Ok, Ma. I love you to pieces, but I like oxygen too." Bey may be the Queen, but this scene from her video "Blue" makes it look as if she can't get enough of being Mom.
83. Blue Ivy Twirls
"Aaaahh, I'm having so much fun not thinking about anything...wiippeee...oh, wait...getting a little sick."
84. Just So You Know...
"I run things. Don't get it twisted."
85. Mommy & Me Loungin'
"Oh, Mommy, I'm so tired of seeing the wigs you snatched last night all on our floor. It's so exhausting. Like, when're they getting picked up? Not now? Oh. Ok."
86. A Kiss For Blue
"Mommy, let me sleep, dang!"
87. Slurpin' On That Milk...Slurpin' Slurpin' On That Milk
"Mommy, gimme that bottle!"
We could watch this adorable GIF of Blue Ivy nonstop forever!
89. Jay Sneaks In Kisses
"Dadddd! Get..Away!..I don't want...No, ugh..No kisses!"
90. Blue Stares Back...
"Hey! Who's that?!"
91. Blue Still Doesn't Get Why Anyone's Here
"No, really, who are you? You're getting to close."
92. Blue and Bey Out For Lunch
"I'm over this now. People just won't let us be. Mom, why can't we just be?!"
93. Blue Is One Tough Cookie
"Ma, please let me just kick them in the face. Like, please, I can't see through all these lights."
94. Blue Jetsets With Jay
"Dad, do we own this boat? I just figured we owned everything, so..."
95. Beyonce Keeps Blue Covered
"Mommy, I think you forgot my feet. I'm cold right now. Are we inside?"
96. Beyonce LOVES Her Blue
Look at that face, how could you not kiss it?!
97. Blue Swings With Mommy
"I like the swing, this is nice, Mom--Oh, I'll let you pose for that shot."
98. Blue Decked Out In Pink
"Are we actually meeting people right now? Oh, I'll get it together, then."
99. A Hot Pink Summer
"Doesn't my mom look absolutely amazing? I know you're hating right now."
100. Working Her Moves
"Was Blue trying out Bey's bootylicious moves already?"