Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.orgDear Gay Best Friend,
I have found it hard to get with females because they pick jerks and overlook hard-working, business-minded guys like myself. I have all the qualities that women say they want. But when we meet for the first time they say they are not ATTRACTED to me.
Sometimes you have to let that person grow on you, just like a song you hear for the first time, but you don’t really like it, but the more you hear it you begin singing and dancing to it after a while. I’m a very GOOD man and I know it. Many people have said so, but this is one area in my life that seems to be BLAH BLAH. Women are not like when grandma and auntie were years ago. These women think they are the men in the relationship and I’m too strong of a black man to allow myself to be defined as less than a man in that capacity. A man has to be a man at all times no matter how much the woman makes. That’s why a lot women are alone and still looking, like the last girl I tried to date. She said she didn’t like my height and we were the same height mind you.
Women need to tell men the straight of it all, and stop P***y-Willowing a situation. Tell it like it IS. I have a lot to offer to any woman. I’m very innovative in business and make strides in my business every day. Whatever happened to the good old days when women acted more like women and not like men? Just wanted to see what your thoughts are on this. By the way I don’t do clubs or bars. Never have been my thing since I don’t smoke, drink or do drugs. — Mr. Purple Teddy Bear
Dear Mr. Purple Teddy Bear,
My brother, I feel your pain. I know where you are coming from and have heard your sentiments from many men. A lot of them leave comments here on Hello Beautiful on the varied topics related to relationships. But, uhm, my man, please change your handle from Purple Teddy Bear. It may sound cute to you, but, no, it’s really not. It sounds like your barney, or something.
But, I digress. Let me share something with you from an excerpt on my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND.
Some women want a prince charming, or a knight in shining-armor to come and save the day. Some just want a simple man. A man who works, takes care of the home, loves his children, and is spiritually grounded. Whatever you need from a man, when you ask Spirit for him you have to be open to receiving love when it shows up.
When you ask God for your man you have to be prepared for when he shows up. There’s no use in asking for him and you’re not ready when he comes. You can’t start running around trying to fix your hair, dress, make-up, and attitude after he arrives. Be prepared for your man. Especially with an open heart and willingness to accept him when he shows up.
I’m telling you, I’ve heard lots of women complain about the good guy. You know the one. The man who is extremely nice, a gentleman, loves children, practices chivalry, and is spiritually grounded. He has a good head on his shoulders and will love you like no other. However, the catch is that he is not tall enough, or dark enough, or he may be a blue-collar worker. He may be a younger than you, maybe even older.
I swear sometimes I think women only want the bad boy, or wanna-be “thug” guy who has a criminal record, bad credit, emotional issues, or unable to maintain a job. It’s something about fixing a man up that intrigues them. Women want to feel like they were the ones responsible for helping him see the light, get back on his feet, and turn his life around. Despite the fact he got you into debt, ruined your credit, and he caused you to have several nervous breakdowns. Girl, bye!
I hear women say all the time, “There’s just something about a bad boy. The swagger in his step. The chip on his shoulder and his arrogance. He’s confident and bold. He just won’t make love to me, but will fulfill my sexual fantasies and desires.”
I mean really. Do you women really think it’s going to be lilies in the field, days at the park, and chilling at the beachfront all the time? Men like that only exists in the movies. Filmmakers and screenwriters create these characters as fantasy. But you think these characters are real and they start living in your head, as you are daydreaming about Morris Chestnut, Boris Kodjoe, and Idris Elba sweeping you off your feet. Wake up and come back to earth.
If you keep looking for Mr. Do-Me-Bad-Boy, then you will miss out on a plethora of eligible men. He will show up right in front of your eyes but your blinders will prevent you from seeing what’s directly in front of you.
Some women have the gall to ask for love but are not willing to accept it when it shows up. In not being able to receive love when it shows up, you are telling Spirit, “Thanks, but no thanks. I do deserve love, but I want it my way.” Listen up sweetie, love is knocking at your door. Open your eyes and heart.
It reminds me of Lauryn Hill’s album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. During the interlude a few adults are asking the young students in the classroom about love. One of the students, a young women, amply replies “If you never been in love before, then you don’t what it’s like to be loved.”
That was so powerful coming from a young woman. She apparently already knows, at an early age, that if you’ve never experienced love then you wouldn’t know the feeling of being in love.
If you close yourself off from the feeling of being in love then you are missing out on one of God’s greatest gifts.
Look at R&B singer, Beyonce, and rap artist, Jay-Z. Beyonce is one the most beautiful and admired women in the world. Talented, smart, and could probably have any man she wants. Yet, she found love and happiness with someone that many may feel is beneath her standards.
I am not one to judge anyone, nor tell anyone whom they should love, but people fall in love all the time with folks that many would never imagine they would. And I have had my share of men who were less than desirable. After a few drinks, okay, a bottle of liquor, they are very attractive. When you come to your less than inebriated senses you can’t believe you are sleeping with him.
But many women are shallow. They would let their friends talk them out of dating someone who could be their future husband or life partner. Don’t act like your friends have not influenced your decisions on your man at some point.
Think about the not-so-good-looking-man who loves your dirty drawers. He is a perfect gentleman, and can put it down in the bedroom. You only see him at night. You go to his house because you don’t want anyone to see him entering your home. He asks you out on dates and you come up with every excuse in the book of why you are not available. You would not be caught dead in public with him.
Yet this man loves the ground you walk on. He worships you and will do anything for you. But because you know your friends and family members will laugh you under a rock for being with someone they do not find acceptable, you tuck him away in the dark closet like an old piece of clothing. Shame, shame, shame.
I remember this R&B song that recording artists Babyface and Pebbles recorded together in 1990 entitled, Love Makes Things Happen. This sing epitomizes the idea of how you never know who you will fall in love with. You have no control over love.
Ladies, think of the many times you may have brushed a man off because he was too nice or too sweet. Think of the many times you didn’t let love come into your life because he did not make enough money, or you didn’t like the career he had, or where he lived and the type of car he drove.
Spirit has brought many men in your life. They have come and gone. Poof! Disappeared. Absent.
I am telling you that you no longer have to let love slip through your fingers and out of your life.
Take notice and see if the current man in your life, or the one you need, is caring, loving, focused, a hard-worker, family-oriented, and spiritually grounded. If you have that man or know of him, be open to receiving the gift that Spirit has sent you.
Take a page from India Aire’s book when she wrote the song, I Am Ready for Love.
So, Mr. Purple Teddy Bear, don’t give up hope. Stay steadfast and know there is a beautiful, smart, educated, and fabulous woman awaiting for you, her King. Don’t worry about the shallow and undeserving women who have passed you by. They were only making room for your true Queen. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!