I hate feeling weak. Even more than that, I hate appearing weak. But after undergoing a c-section nearly two years ago, my core was well…weak. As a full-time working mom raising an infant with special needs, dedicating time to exercise meant sacrificing something… a down moment to do something as simple as scroll my phone or starting dinner later after pulling a 9-6 shift.
Three months ago, I found myself so depressed over my body, lack of stamina and overall tiredness that I decided to make some sort of change. I was yearning a change and desperately wanted to go to the gym, but I kept putting my family’s needs before mine and finding time to drive to the gym felt impossible. Yet, my fiancé, a very loyal and dedicated father, managed to always find the time. I was brewing with resentment that presented itself in my constant attitude. Then I realized, I had to find the time as well or the change I was seeking would never happen.
That was only half the battle. I woke up one morning, in my impulsive gemini nature, and purchased Capri Curves’ “Keep The Curves, Drop The Fat” program (I’ll review that later), which came with four weeks of workouts and sample mean plans to jumpstart my newbie lifestyle journey. I shaped my exercise schedule around my fiancé’s so whenever he’d leave to go to the gym, I’d turn up the volume on Body-ody-ody while the baby watching me plank in the living room. Then one day he came home earlier that expected and I found myself cutting my workout short and scrambling to hide all evidence of my workout. I eventually realized I was hiding my workout out of fear of his criticism and fear of him seeing how out-of-shape I was.
I always joke, my fiancé was born with a six-pack and could gain muscle mass by looking at a weight meanwhile I was struggling and crying myself through workouts. I was embarrassed and if you’ve ever experienced embarrassment you know it can be all-consuming. I had to overcome my fear of vulnerability (read: look weak in front my man). The superwoman cape had to come off and I had to accept that my body wasn’t in the greatest shape and that was OK. The only way for me to make change would be to do something different and basing my workouts around his gym-visits wasn’t going to get me to my goal.
So I cried then I put on my big girl panties and discovered strength in my weakness. It wasn’t a seamless transition, BAE definitely tried to correct my form several times. But with a little self-reflection and will power, I got through it with him watching. And then I bought some cute booty-lifting leggins on Amazon because I knew he was watching. Wink wink.
I’m one month strong into my fitness and healthier eating journey. It was well worth the inner work to get the looks on the outside.