I was diligently working on the Commitment workshop offered through my personal site Goddess Intellect, when I thought of the types of things and people I had to let go in order to receive a clearer vision on what my love life should look like. I distinctly remember maybe 4-5 years ago being one angry mofo. I was so angry at men. I was so paranoid of people hurting me. I was so resentful and envious, looking back now I’m embarrassed, but grateful.
Not one person in my life who has known me from back in the day can say that I have not changed for the better, but the thing is it took sacrifices. It took a lot of willpower and a strong desire to want better for myself and not anyone else.
What would happen was that I start to make advances and then as soon as I met resistance, by someone telling me it was impossible or by listening to others who weren’t sh*t I would retreat back to my comfort zone. In my comfort zone amassed self-help books, a large collection of DVDs and other ‘things’ I would hoard and collect.
See the connection. Na, I wasn’t about to audition for an episode of Hoarders but I kept a lot inside. I knew I wanted better but I didn’t know how the hell I was gonna get there. I know there are folks going through challenges in their personal life. Nine times out of ten we do not see the issues on the surface, so I’m grateful that I can reach those I may not be able to talk directly to through my words.
Here are five things I had to let go of in order to move forward with my love life:
Old Pictures: I had to chuck old pictures of exes lying around. In a sick and twisted way that person(s) is still in your life when a picture is still in your possession.
Doormat Mentality: I had a welcome mat on my face that said “I enjoy being a victim, please wipe your musty feet on my face before you enter”. Feeling sorry for yourself and tolerating behavior that trigger ‘feeling sorry for myself mode’- slam dunked it in the trash!
Leeches: I hate that word and describing anyone as such, but there were people in my life that I didn’t need to tell my business to. Why? It’s not that they weren’t fun, supportive and great company; it’s that they were incapable of helping me work through my challenges because they showed very little interest in helping themselves grow. You can tell if someone is a leech in your life because they will not be comfortable with the idea of you changing for the better. Why? Because it threatens the level of comfort that is often found in mediocrity. My new goal in friendship became about surrounding myself with as many people as possible who were comfortable with allowing me to grow.
We’re Still Friends: It took me a long time to realize this but, “friends” who occasionally pops up out of the blue to solicit sex or to get back “what we had was real” are not friends, just exes. A real friend may still want to solicit sex (*sings* its human nature), but they will have the decency to take an active interest in your life even after you’ve made it clear that the answer is no.
Trade in Old Mantras: Mantras are chants, rituals that if we repeat often enough manifest. Now I used to believe the following: “I don’t need a man”, “There are no good men left in this city”, “I can’t trust nobody”, “I can only date men who drive”. Those were the only ones I could remember, but every mantra I was used to I challenged by coming up with a positive one to counteract the negative: “I would love the companionship and support of a loving man”, “There are plenty of great men in my city, I just haven’t made enough of an effort to meet any”, “I will learn how to open up to more people”, “I will open my mind to dating someone I normally wouldn’t”.
I hope this personal list of mine helps somewhat. I truly had to do some spring cleaning and attitude adjustment to be able to move forward. I didn’t want to be stuck in my comfortable nest anymore, quoting romantic quotes and watching everyone else get theirs, simply forgetting that life was made for us to live and love it.
In your love life or in general what are some things you’ve had to let go of OR want to let go of in order to see growth in your life?
About the author: Telisha Ng is a freelance writer and author of the Goddess Intellect blog from Toronto, Canada. Connect with her on twitter @goddess_I or send her an email firstname.lastname@example.org.