Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am writing because I am a submissive in an interracial relationship. I have been topped by black men before and have no problem calling them master or being submissive to them, but I am uncomfortable doing so with a white man with whom I am seeing who has asked me to marry him. The relationship is a good one and he treats me well. The sex is also great. I have a black male friend who is topped by white woman and he doesn’t have an issue calling her master.
My friend told me it is only my insecurity, and maybe it is. Does my hesitation make it so that I am not as comfortable with this white man as I would like to think? He is the only one I can really talk about this with because my friends have no ideal I am in the lifestyle. I have always liked men in control in the bedroom as long as I can think. I am successful and educated. I know he isn’t a racist. He has also topped white women, but still I have hesitation. – Reluctant Submissive
Dear Ms. Reluctant Submissive,
LAWD! Take me now! (Falls down, faints, gets up, falls down again, and faints again). I’ve done heard it all!
So, let me get this straight. You’re a Black woman who is dating a white man, and you’re into “Submissive sex.” For those who don’t know what that means it’s a sexual fetish to submit to a dominant partner.
I don’t understand what the problem is. You know what your sexual preference is, and yet, you knowingly got into a relationship with a white man. So, help me out here. You thought it wouldn’t get physical? You thought you could turn off your fetish and go get you a Black man to handle the bedroom domination? I mean I’m really confused. Why are you dating him if you know what you like in the bedroom?
Oh, I get it. You don’t want to call him master because of the 400 years of slavery we experienced, and the psychological residue that lingers in your psyche, and you feel if you call him master then you will resort back to your Kizzy days. You can’t see yourself playing the slave with the slave master sneaking into your cabin to take advantage of you. You may snap during one of your role playing encounters and start thinking of ways to slowly kill your master? Or, he may slip up and call you the “N” word while he’s topping you, and then all that role playing gets thrown out the window when you resort back to Keisha and get all kinds of ignant on him! I can hear and see you now rolling your head with your hands on your hips and pointing your finger. “Don’t get it twisted up in here! Just because I’m a Black woman who is submissive it don’t mean I won’t ‘F’ you up for saying some –ish like that. I’ll whoop your MF’ing ass and make you my bitch!” LOL! Then who will be the submissive one?
SMDH! I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m digressing because I get all types of letters from various people, but this right here takes the MF’ing cake! I’m trying to wrap my mind around this being submissive to someone who takes control over your body, you willingly submit, and you actually find pleasure in that. Where they do that at? But, if you like, I love it for you!
Now, back to your regularly scheduled program and to answer your question on whether it’s your hesitation or being uncomfortable with this white man topping you, uhm, yes, it is your own insecurities. It is your own hesitation that is preventing you from crawling on your hands and knees, bowing down, being bound and gagged, and being totally submissive to a white man as he whips, demeans, berates, and takes control over you. But, I don’t blame you. I don’t think I would feel comfortable either. Hell, I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable. That’s some mental –ish where I don’t think I can go to mentally. Let me stop right here before I say something and folks start sending me letters because I know I will really offend some groups.
Look, I think you should talk with your partner and let him know your hesitation. Let him know how uncomfortable you are with the idea of him topping you and you being submissive to him. I would suggest setting some boundaries, but then it would no longer make you submissive would it?
Chile, who I am fooling, and who are you fooling? Get out of this relationship. It’s not going to work. And, he may very well not be racist, but there is some doubt, some reluctance on your behalf to allow yourself to be topped by a white man. So, what issues are you dealing with you? There are some things you may need to work on emotionally and mentally. Especially with this damn domination behavior. What happened when you were younger? Where did this fascination to be dominated by men come into play? And, I can’t believe that he asked you to marry him. LMBAO! Girl, that man may have a moment at the wedding and while you’re saying your vows he may make you say, “To love, honor, and obey because I’m your master.” I can only see your family now, and everyone’s head jerking around. Someone will yell, “What the ‘F’ did he just say? I know he didn’t say, ‘because I’m your master.’” Then a fight will ensue and it’ll be all over the nightly news.
It’s not going to work Kizzy! Don’t play yourself. Literally, don’t play yourself. I don’t want to see you catch a case you can avoid. I know you like pushing the boundaries and doing some crazy –ish, but uhm, don’t push the envelope to much because you’ll find yourself over the edge. Let him go. Stay within the confines of your comfort. It will only take a tongue mishap, and then him trying to explain from his hospital bed, “I was caught up in the moment.” LOL! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!
You can follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
You can also visit Terrance Dean’s website to find out more about him, HERE!