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It’s 7:00 pm and you’re just getting home from work.  All of your girlfriends are texting you about Wine Down Wednesday or Thirsty Thursday.  Newly single, you know that you should be saying “yes.”  The key to getting over someone is keeping yourself as busy as possible, choking back every tear, and not thinking about him, right? Wrong.

Although surrounding yourself with your friends is definitely helpful and important, it’s not the only thing you need to do (don’t you wish it was though?) When I was having a really hard time accepting the single status, my friend said something to me that didn’t mean anything until way later:

There’s a difference between getting over someone and wanting to get over someone.  You need to get yourself to want to be over it before you will ever actually feel it.  It sucks, but the wanting to get over someone part takes time, thinking, and probably lots of tears, but it’s the only way to get over someone in a healthy way.”

To my defense, the reason it was so hard for me to accept his advice is because he isn’t exactly Dr. Love. I had no idea what “wanting to get over someone” meant or how I would know when I reached that stage.  Taking it one day at a time, it soon became clear what he was actually saying.

The first thing to remember is that it’s normal to be sad after.  You’re going to read through his letters and highlight every “I love you.” You’re going to be used to talking to him during certain times of the day.  Thirsty Thursday still means beer pong at his favorite dive bar, rather than cocktails with the girls.  If you’re not ready to get yourself out of that state, wait until you are. Rather than forcing feelings onto yourself, accept how you feel and try to put a positive spin on it.  You obviously experienced something really special if you feel this way, that’s lucky in and of itself.

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The hardest part is knowing whether or not you’re ready to get over him.  While following the normal ‘getting over someone’ routine of going out a lot and talking to him less, take some time to reflect on how you actually feel on the inside.  If you still wish that it was him touching your knee instead of the random foreigner at the bar, or that it was him making sure you don’t fall on the subway instead of your friend, it could just mean that you’re not ready to move on.  After all, any other Friday night you would be next to him pouring them down.  You have to want to get over someone before you can, and it’s okay to not want to immediately.

Wanting to get over someone doesn’t happen overnight and it may or may not take an experience to get the feeling.  Also, the feeling isn’t the same as hating the person.  You can still love the person and love what you had, but you need to learn to love what you can have.  Living based on the past slows you down and you should take advantage of that pace until you’re truly ready to speed up.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make is forcing themselves to get over someone when they don’t actually want it.  It takes a few random hook-ups to realize that although that may keep you busy and make the days go faster, you are still waking up wishing he was there instead. The best thing to do is to keep doing what you are doing physically if it is helping, but keep in mind that you need time to reflect on your feelings every once in a while.  Once you’ve reached the stage that you’re able to genuinely smile when single, you’ll want the best for yourself, which means wanting to get over him for your own sake.

So what do you say girls? At HelloBeautiful we are all about loving yourself and being happy, but sometimes it’s important to accept your sadness before you’re ready to take on new things like a champ.  What “getting over someone” tactics have worked for you? What do you recommend against?