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Dear Gay Best Friend,
How does one break up with a man that one is not even casually dating? Let me explain. The guy in question is my sister’s nephew-in-law, her sister-in-law’s son (55). All family activities are held at my sister’s house (her pool is larger than mine). This guy’s family members are constantly trying to MAKE me not only go out but MARRY him. Why, one might ask? Simply, I am 43, post divorce 20 years and have not been in a serious relationship since 2005. Further, I am a single mom with 2 kids 17 and 19 away at university, and am a homeowner with an empty nest.
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This man corners me at every family event for hours until I just excuse myself. I show him no emotions that I am interested. No flirting. I even make it impossible for him to sit next to me. He just counters and sits on the floor blocking my freedom staring at me. No conversation, nothing. I if move, he follows. He followed me to the bathroom once. He calls my sister’s house everyday to see if I am there. If I am he asks to speak to me. If I refuse, he jumps in MOMMY’S car and rushes over to force conversation. I leave. I do not return his phone calls. I do not accept his gifts.
This man has the audacity to show up at the movie theater every Friday night because he KNOWS that is where I go for family night with my boys. I have asked him to stop calling to no avail. I changed my number. I have asked him to stop the gifts of bootlegged properties but he leaves gifts at sis’s. I have done nothing to lead this man to my path. He is obsessed with photos texted to him by my sister, my brother-in-law, and his mother. I have told him those photos were not sent by me. It is awful, unwanted, unwarranted photos of me taken without my permission. Some are swimsuit shots, butt shots, shots with my back ALWAYS to the camera doing ordinary things. Some might find these photos provocative, I am fit and look much younger than I am. However, I do not pose for these photos, and I protest their submission. My relatives know that I do not like this man and this man knows that I want no further contact. Sometimes, I don’t go to the family events just to avoid him.
I do not want to get a restraining order because that would cause a family schism with the in-law set. I have face to face refused his offers. My kids have refused his expensive gifts. I am sorry his family has romanticized some relationship for him but I told him I am not the originator of the photos. I have told him that he WAS a family friend but I CHOOSE to not interact with him at all to remove any doubt that there is any implied relationship. He accused me of hiding from him. I told him I was not hiding but totally avoiding his contact because I am not interested. He was mad and still is. He still calls my sister frequently, daily just to see if “I am doing ok, and oh, by the way, is she there, if she is don’t tell her I called, don’t tell her I am coming over.”
Maybe it is not his fault that his relatives have fed him wrongly obtained information. Private information. Detailed information that could possibly make someone INFER that a relationship is possible and maybe even casually exists…. It is not MY fault. I read your publications and the comments to well posed questions. Most think the answer to my question is don’t return the calls or text. I did an in person break up to someone I was not even dating. I changed my number as well as email address. I even closed out with YouTube and facebook. I cannot ask my brother-in-law who was my brother-in-law (65) before I was born to ban his nephew anymore than I can end a relationship with my sister (65).
I do not wish to get a restraining order either. I did that option against the 25 year old son of my next door neighbor after repeatedly asking my neighbor to speak to her son about his stalking and unwanted advances from a child. Big mistake. When I found him sleeping on my deck, I called the authorities, he was arrested, making some of my neighbors mad at me. His reasoning was that he was returning some ‘important misplaced mail’ to me and that he didn’t want to get in trouble for ‘messing’ with my mailbox so he went to sleep waiting on my property for me to return. He hung himself when he told the court that I was not married and that I spent 2 hours a day by my pool in a bikini swimming and grilling on purpose. Plus, my home is surrounded by privacy fencing (You would need binoculars or a spy cam because our properties are not close together).
No, I am not looking for woe is me, yada, yada,…etc. I would like to know from a male standpoint what words would make a man understand that:
1. I do not want to ever pursue a relationship with you
2. We can not even be family friends because you would misconstrue this
3. I avoid contact with you to basically to keep you from being mad at me
4. Just because I am single does not mean I am available to anyone who is interested
No, I do not think I am all that. Yes, I do not want to hurt or make anyone mad; however, I am unhappy in trying to be nice and keep everyone else happy. So…Tell Me Like It Is (Please and Thank You). And I will work on me! – Not Interested In Him
Dear Ms. Not Interested In Him,
Well, damn! You’ve taken all the recourse measures to let him know that you are not interested. However, he is not getting it. Something is not clicking or resonating in that thick ass dome of his. And, I have a feeling that it’s your family who is keeping this bull-ish going. Like you said, they are feeding him information, and providing him with details about you, thus, whatever you are saying to him is not in sync with what your family is telling him.
It’s time to put your family in check! I mean check all their asses and put them in their place. Yeah, yeah, you say that you don’t want to ruffle the family’s feathers and put a restraining order against him, but hell, you may have to not only put one out against him, but your family as well. They are the root and catalyst for all this drama. So, to stop all this madness and unwanted affection from a man whom you didn’t even engage, then you need to uproot the source of the problem. Just like the weeds in your yard that affect your lawn, you uproot them. Dig them up, put down some pesticide, and kill them. And, the weeds that are affecting your life happen to be your family. Get to the source of it and stop p***y-footing around it.
You all are some grown ass folks. You’re not teenagers or in high school. Well, they are acting like some little ass kids. So, treat them accordingly. Reprimand them. Scold them. Stop accepting their childish antics, which is interrupting your life socially and privately. You should invite them over to your home, unexpectedly. Chile, don’t give them too much notice because they may call that damn man, “Bubba.” LOL! But, have them come to your home, on your grounds, in your territory, and lay the law down on them. Let them know that you are tired of them butting into your life. You don’t need them to be a matchmaker and hook you up. You’re not interested in dating their friends, cousins, relatives, or associates, and if you were then you certainly wouldn’t come to them for their services. Be blunt, straight-forward, and honest with them. You are a grown ass woman, with kids of your own, and what they are doing is an invasion of your privacy and life. Then, you let them know that you do not need them to speak on your behalf, or act as representatives for you. They are not to discuss, talk, or speak about you, your life, and anything you are doing with him. LEAVE MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTHS BECAUSE I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HIM!!!!
And, although you’ve done all you can with that man, i.e., changed your number, emails, and other information, and even avoid him at your sister’s. This is what you have to do, and although you don’t want to be mean to him, or cause some riff in your family, the only way they, and he, will get the message is when you confront him and stop being so damn nice. You have to TELL HIM TO HIS FACE AND IN FRONT OF EVERYONE – “Leave me the “F” alone! I’m not interested in you. I don’t like you. I don’t want you. I want you to stop harassing me, stalking me, and talking to me. You have become a thorn in my side. For you to be a grown ass man it’s truly sad that you don’t get it when a woman refuses your advances and gestures. GET A FREAKING CLUE AND KNOW THAT I DO NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY YOU! And, you if keep bothering me I will go to the police and get a restraining order against you.”
Chile, you may have to start packing some heat as well. Let him know that you are serious and about your business. And, like Madea, if he steps out of pocket, you just pull your piece and let him know, “Back it up! I’m not playing with you. I’ll bust a cap in your ass!” LMBAO!
Handle your business, and your business will be handled. Honey, you are a grown ass woman who is fly, sexy, and living your life. Don’t let this man, or your family prevent you from enjoying your life, and being happy. As you’ve noticed being the nice woman is not paying off. Being the smart, intelligent, and non-confrontational woman isn’t working. And, it’s because some men don’t get it when you are refuting their advances in a non-confrontational manner. They feel your avoidance is you playing hard to get. Your ignoring them only makes them want to pursue you even more so. And, when you accept their calls, and regardless of what you say to them, they take it as, “Well, if she wasn’t interested, then why is she answering my calls?” So, stop being nice. Stop being non-confrontational. Stop allowing him to interrupt your life because he is not getting it. Put him, and your family in their place, and unfortunately you will have to get a restraining order if he doesn’t stop. And, so freaking what if folks get mad. Hell, they are mad at you for other reasons, just give them another one, and a valid one! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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