Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Ummm, okay so I just finished reading your recent book. I am assuming it was directed to a more mature audience, still I’ve found it as helpful as it was informative…but anywho, about me. I turn 18 years old this month and a while back I made a promise to myself and to God to give my virginity to my husband, a promise which I am still fully committed to. Being the only virgin and the most attractive in my circle of friends has its advantages and disadvantages. I have also decided to remain single until next year since I have so much going on between my senior year in high school and entering the world of college. Because of the drama I’ve been through before with exes I seriously want to avoid drama at all costs (or at least for now.) Basically I just wanted to know if you could possibly give me any advice on going about dating and interacting with prospective suitors in the future while maintaining my standards and keeping my promise to myself and to God. Thanks in Advance – The Virgin Chronicles
Dear Ms. Virgin Chronicles,
First, let me thank you for purchasing my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. I really appreciate the love and support. I love helping a DIVA-IN-TRAINING. And, uhm, (Clears throat, stands on podium, tapes mic, and dust my shoulders) every woman reading my column better have bought a copy of my book. The link is below to order it on Amazon.com, or you can get it any bookstore.
Second, I am thrilled to hear of a young woman, 18 years old, and still a virgin. Chile, I swear if I could find a virgin today, at your age, in any hood, I would give a hundred dollars to each one. LMBAO! Just kidding, because I know I will get an influx of emails from young women across the country, “claiming” they are virgins. And, notice I put the word claiming in quotes. Honey, I will be at every gynecologist’s office proving them wrong, and then their parents will be shocked and bewildered that their little Keisha, Na-Na, and Shaquan are not virgins. LOL! These fast ass kids today are skipping school and having orgies in their parent’s home, and the parents are clueless to the parties. Oh, I’ve seen the fliers, and text messages they send one another. They skip school on a designated date, have a time, location, and the kids get bucked wild. And, it’s in some you reader’s home that this is happening in. You better check your kids!
Third, girl, don’t fret and don’t let nothing come between your promise to yourself and God in remaining a virgin. Honey, wait until you get to college and the boys on the yard get word, whiff, and a hint of a virgin is on the campus, the p***y hounds will be on you like a tacky glued in weave with the tracks showing. You will be able to see their real and true colors. Those boys will be all up on you trying their best to throw the “D” at you and in you!
And, be careful of this game called the Missouri Sleeper. Honey, she is nothing nice, and it’s generally a game they play on Freshmen girls the first day, week, or month of school. If you hear someone or any boys mentioning the Missouri Sleeper, girl, you better run, and I mean run fast, far, and hide. They are trying to get you and your “precious!” LOL
My advice on dating and interacting with prospective suitors is to let them know up front your morals and values. Don’t be ashamed to let them know you are a virgin and are holding out until marriage. That is truly commendable and responsible. If they can’t deal with your commitment to yourself and God, then let those bums hit the pavement. Don’t compromise who you are for some knucklehead who only got sex on the brain and only thinks with his little head and not his big one. Boys, and I said BOYS, will tell you anything to get in your pants, and want to be the first one to bust your cherry. Don’t listen to anything they say. They are all lies. He doesn’t love you. You’re not the most special or different girl he’s met, and you certainly are not the woman of his dreams and he wants to marry you one day. Chile, tell that sucker to show you “one day” on the calendar. Honey, you will hear the every line in the Playa Handbook. I can send you a copy but then all the men will be mad at me, but hell, you make me an offer I can’t refuse and I selling it to every woman.
And, notice how many times you’ll hear, “I love you,” and “You’re different.” Honey, every time you hear it ask for a dollar because when they know you’re a virgin they all will tell you how much they love you, and for every boy who tells you he loves you, you can collect all those dollars and be a millionaire.
So, Ms. Virgin Chronicles, stay true to yourself, and God. The right man, and notice I said MAN, will show up and reveal himself. God will let you know when the man for you shows up and you will feel it in your heart. He will show himself approved and worthy of your heart, mind, soul, and body. And, until then, you let all the boys on the yard, and all potential suitors know they can smell it and admire it, but they can’t touch it. And, here’s the song you sing, “My na-na brings all the boys to the yard, and damn right it’s better than yours. It’s pure and clean. You can try it, but I’ll have to charge.” – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!