[From The Frisky]
One of the things I love about being in a relationship is that my friend circle multiplies. But what happens to those newly formed friendships when the relationship ends? For example, recently two of my friends who were in a couple broke up and it’s been awkward ever since. Where we used to all go out together once or twice a month, now I have to split time between them, and I have the nagging feeling that I’m cheating when I hang out with one and not the other. After driving myself crazy for a few weeks (Do I talk about or avoid the subject? Partake in talk about the ex or awkwardly change the subject when it comes up?), I sought some advice on dealing with the joint-friends breakup-who keeps whom? And does it really have to come down to that?
After the eating-boxes-of-chocolate-and-crying phase subsides, the confusion about sharing friends turns out to be a common problem. But is joint ownership really possible-and is it worth the hassle? There are a few things to consider.
What caused the breakup?
“Some breakup situations are easier to deal with than others,” says Dana Miller, a San Diego-based life coach. “For example, if someone cheated or abused the other partner, this will obviously cause a lot more friction than a more mutual breaking up would.”
If the couple just decided they weren’t right for each other-whether it’s for a difference in values, goals, too much fighting, whatever-that may make it easier to remain friends with both. But if there are extenuating circumstances-one person in the now-defunct couple was abusive or dishonest-weigh the benefits of keeping both of them in your life.
Who are you really trying to stay friends with?
“If you’re in a couple that was friends with a [now-broken-up] couple, that makes it more complicated,” says Miller. “You’ll be feeling the most pressure to take sides.”
Sarah Gwerder saw this in action when she and her boyfriend of two years broke up.
“The few couples that we were friends with pretty much retreated back to whichever one of us they knew before we were together,” she says. “It was a bummer because I thought I had grown pretty close to a few of them.”
If you were truly friends with both of them before they were in a couple, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to maintain that. If you were only friends with one, on the other hand, then the original friend may feel betrayed if you continue a friendship with the other person after a breakup. Miller says being honest is key, as is making that original friend the higher priority. Ask how he or she would feel if you were to continue the relationship with their ex. Know that making friend number one the priority may mean sacrificing friend number two.
“Try setting up some ground rules to make your original friend feel okay with it,” Miller says. “Say out loud that you will never talk to person one about person two, and let her know that your friendship remains the most important.”
But what happens if you decide you don’t want to continue a friendship?
To find out, click here!
