It is a well known fact that there is a drought in the female rap game. Perhaps this lapse would be warranted if we could chalk their absence up to the fact that talent is hard to find, and at the moment we are just looking for the next big thing. But the contrary is quite evident. Talent is but a minuscule consideration in the making and breaking of many female rappers. More important (it seems) is how good a rap chick can look in a spread eagle pic, how nasty her lyrics can get, and how well she can read and regurgitate the words given to her by her male rap mentor on a track.
Gone are the days of the Lauren Hill’s of the world. It is the dawning of a new silicone laden age, where female rappers are made not born, they’re made. Accordingly, if you’re out there and you’ve got the right ingredients, you too can capitalize of the drought and cook up your own version of the next female rap phenom.
Recipe For Female Rappers:
-Size D silicone implants
-Size ‘donk’ butt implants
-One yard of fabric
-One cup of daddy issues
-One can of voracious sexual appetite
-A handful of superficiality
-A dash of materialistic juice
-A Fendi bag and a bad attitude
-A ‘mentor’ aka someone who can actually write raps
-Make two small incisions into the woman to allow for insertion of breast and butt implants
-Before closing the incisions, sprinkle in superficiality, self esteem issues, daddy issues and materialistic juice
-Use the yard of fabric to create 80-90 minimalist outfits. Make sure to leave ample space for crotch shots and nip slips where possible
– Once the implants have set in place, teach the soon-to-be-rapper how to booty pop
-Once the booty poppin has commenced, apply pink lipstick and Fendi bag
-Saturate the soon-to-be-rapper in one can of voracious sexual appetite
-At this point, your rapstress actually has something to rap about, so begin prepping the mentor. Have him prepare a few salacious raps.
-Insert raps into the female rappers mouth, then push her belly button to hear the rhymes repeated. Make sure she sounds sexy.
-Sprinkle some sugar and spice over her.
-Bake 5 minutes.
Voila! you have successfully created the newest victim of the new era of female rappers. She is now free to join the ranks of the Angel Lola Loves, Nicki Minajs and Lil’ Kims of the world. Serve smokin’ hot and enjoy!
Check out this video to hear Angel Lola Love spit at the 2009 BET Hip Hop Awards:
Check out Nicki Minaj in the 2009 BET Hip Hop Awards cypher here: