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Remember how in your teenage years you thought that once you hit adulthood, you’d have all this relationship stuff figured out? Talk about naiveté. Boy, were you wrong!

You could be fabulous in every way, have your life together and you when the day is done, you can still have no one to call BAE. You can always do some reflection to see if there’s anything you’re doing or not doing that’s getting in the way of  finding the relationship you want. So maybe now is the time to take inventory.

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1. You keep doing the same thing over and over again.

One quarter of all Americans are now meeting their future spouses through some sort of digital platform. Have you tried that? Or are you hanging out only at your local cocktail bar hoping that this night will be the night you meet your dream guy? If you’re really against meeting people online, don’t forget that many if not most people are still meeting their future spouses through friends. So make your friends go to new hangout spots, try out new hobbies, and participate in new things that you enjoy doing – that’s how you meet new and interesting people who you have things in common with already!

2. What you say you want and what you go for are polar opposites.

Aziz Ansari’s new book called Modern Romance is out and in an article he wrote for TIME about the book, he quoted Dan Slater’s Love in the Time of Algorithms–which is a client service dedicated to finding people what they say they wanted. What Slater discovers is that what people say they want and what they actually go for do not mirror each other. Now you don’t need to have some sort of “list” but you do need to have some sense of your fundamentals. And then you need to ask yourself if you actually live up to these or not by who you go for.

3. You don’t know the difference between a good guy and the “right” guy for you.

As you mature, you leave behind some types of guys. Hopefully the kinds of guys that are shady and unreliable, and bad boys who are thrilling but not much else. And hopefully you start to go for guys who are respectful and treat you well – the good guys. The reality is, however, that just because a guy is a good guy, it doesn’t mean he’s the right guy for you. Attraction, compatibility, and love are just not always straightforward. You know that quote about how, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and somebody is still not going to like peaches”? Well, that quote doesn’t only apply to you – it can apply to a “good” guy too. A good guy that’s not your right guy.

4. Your standards are not high, they are impossible.

Having standards is a good thing, having high standards is better. Just make sure that the high standards you set up for yourself, you live up to as well. But beyond that, don’t expect perfection from people. People have flaws and weaknesses, and the sight of those things aren’t always “red flags” – they are reminders that people have battle scars from their walks of life. You probably have them too – even if you may hide yours well. Also, looking for perfection is a cop-out because we all know it doesn’t exist. Keep your standards high, but don’t make them impossible. Imperfections are beautiful and they they’re what makes falling in love with someone awesome.

5. All indicators in life point to your heart just not being ready.

I know it sounds cliché, and maybe it is. But clichés are clichés for a reason. Sometimes there is no specific “reason” other than your heart is not ready for this yet. And really, it’s not like you’ll know when your heart will be ready for the love that is right for you. But rather when the love that is right for you comes your way, your heart will be ready.


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