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In one of Essence Magazine’s “Ask Abiola,” a woman who calls herself “Black and Proud” complained about her lackluster sex life with her White husband. According to her story, Black and Proud met her hubby at a reunion for the ivy league school they attended and after six months of dating, the two lovebirds wed. Because we live in a “different” time, interracial marriages aren’t as taboo as they once were, but Black and Proud’s husband’s desire to talk dirty to her during sex is more than taboo, it’s downright degrading.

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Black and Proud’s husband delights in calling his beautiful Black wife, “n*gger bitch” during sex and it’s taken away her desire to have sex with him. The first thing I thought was to blame Black and Proud for marrying this ivy league White man, but then I realized, you can’t fault who you love. Although cliche, love is supposed to conquer all, but in this case, bigotry is an obstacle worth kicking over instead of conquering. Also, her husband waited until their honeymoon to drop the n-bomb on his wife. I wonder if he’d said it during their expensive dates, would Black and Proud have married him?

It’s these lavish gifts that Black and Proud’s husband showers her in that allow him to joke about buying her freedom. He also refers to himself as a “n*gger lover” and thinks it’s hilarious when he continually throws that hate-filled word around in his wife’s presence. Black and Proud can’t take it anymore and decided to publicly ask for help.

Check Out The Letter Below:

Dear Abiola,

My man keeps calling me a “nigger bitch” during sex and I hate it.

I have been married for a year and I am at my wit’s end. My investment banker husband is from a White old money family. I am a first generation Black-American woman whose family is from the island of Jamaica. We met at a reunion for the ivy league school we both attended, and he proposed in six months.

We have the picture perfect fantasy life. He wines and dines me and we travel and shop the globe. Unlike all of the Black men I dated in the past, my husband is generous, loyal, committed and considerate. He courted me and I never have to pay for anything. He said I could quit my job and I did. He makes me feel like a woman.

I am a little embarrassed to share our problem. The first time he let the n-word drop was during sex on our honeymoon. When I reacted negatively, he explained that a Black woman he dated in the past enjoyed being called racial slurs. Another time he joked that he had purchased my freedom. He also speculated about whether his family could have owned mine because I have “good hair.” Then he made jokes about my pubic hair. He called it my “negro bush” and referred to himself as a “nigger lover.” He says I am being overly sensitive because he loves me to death and should get a “Black pass” for marrying me.

I told him that I don’t appreciate these comments and he says that my friends and family probably use the n-word all the time. He also asked why Black people can use the word and he cannot. I don’t use the word or believe in the nigga/nigger differentiation. Neither does my family. I am too embarrassed to tell anyone about this because I know they might say: “That’s what she gets for marrying a White man.”

Every time we try having sex again, the slurs fly. Our sex life is pretty much over right now because I pretend to be asleep every time my sexy, handsome man wants to be with me. I feel completely turned off. I love my husband deeply so please don’t tell me to leave him because that’s not what I want to do.

My husband was my first interracial relationship. Please tell me racial slurs aren’t normal between interracial couples? I would like to figure this out before we have kids but I can’t afford to leave him and still maintain my lifestyle.

How can I regain my sexual attraction for my husband?


Black and Proud


Check Out Essence for Abiola’s response. She makes some amazing points, but it’s up to Black and Proud now. What would you do?

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