CLOSE

Between all this talk of Bobbi Kristina getting engaged to her brother/boyfriend and Stacey Dash being just as “Clueless” as she was in her days as Dionne Davenport–a rich High School socialite–I am happily forced to relive the comedic classic “Clueless.” Thing is, in 1995, when I was seven, I didn’t quite realize that Cher, in her glorious red Alaia dress, had fallen for her ex-step brother.

Why do I get the feeling that is Cher was black (and not worth millions, sorry Bobbi) “Clueless” would have gone tremendously different!

The Unsuccessful Love Scene

Charmaine ponders why Christian is leaving so soon. Does her breath stink? Is she not his type? She sent herself the edible arrangement like she did with Shawn and Chris.

“Wait.”

She says. Christian doesn’t take another step. He spins around and his silk Versace tie flies through the air. His lips are shiny, moisturized and, they smell like watermelon. His cream blazer fits nicely over his Jeans which falls delicately over his tan Gucci loafers. Charmaine can only think of one good reason why Christian hasn’t thrown her onto the couch yet…

“Are you gay?”

The Robbery Scene

Charmaine stands across the street from the gas station where Elton made a move on her. She roll her eyes, unzips her Prada bag and retrieves her cellphone. Who to call? What is the name of the street? She glances around then walks ten steps to the corner. A car speeds by and honks the horn. She feels the sting of the cold wind on her thighs. She should have worn leggings instead of a mini-dress.

“Give me your phone and your bag!”

She feels another cold sensation, but this time she can sense that danger is imminent.

“Give me your phone and your bag!”

The person demands once more. Charmaine remembers what she has in her purse. They’re Louboutin but desperate times call for desperate measure… She smoothly reaches into her, clutches her Daffodiles then violently spins around and clocks the mysterious man in the head with the heel. Thump. He falls to the ground.

“Running up on me. I have to get home before my baby-sitter has to leave!”

She runs off into the night.

 The Epiphany Scene

Josh has been acting funny lately. Yesterday, when Charmaine left the bathroom, she noticed that he looked at her for longer than usual. He’s more poised around her now. His once-relentless jokes have let-up and he even called her by her first name instead of “brat” for the first time. Josh passes her the popcorn. As she scoops a handful into her mouth, she catches Josh’s piercing stare.

“Are you OK?”

She asks. Josh nods and refocuses his attention on the movie “Scarface.” Charmaine places the bowl of fluffy kernels on his lap. By accident, she brushes his leg. Josh Demeanor changes. She looks around. Josh has a goofy grin plastered on his face. Charmaine has had enough.

“Do you like me or something?”

She questions, in a firm tone. Josh nervously adjusts his pants and fiddles with his baseball cap. Charmaine, signs. Slaps the hat off his head as she walks by, then mutters.

“Ew. You’re my brother!”

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