It’s rare and to some, non-existent, to come across friends of the opposite sex that add real value to our lives without any pressure to hook up, which is sad. I feel that although physical attraction is what it is, we should all have people in our circle of the opposite sex who are attraction- neutral, meaning that we value them as people above anything else.
There have been a few times in my life where I have had a crush on a man I considered to be my friend. I would hang off their every word and even listen to stories about other women, shaking my head and sympathizing. With each experience I strongly believed that I had a chance and that one day this friend would see me as the girl he desired.
This definitely happened a lot in adolescence because I considered myself a bit rough around the feminine edges in addition to being a late bloomer (#TeamACup). I enjoyed Wu-Tang, baggy clothes and had no idea how to appeal as girlfriend material to the opposite sex. Better yet I had no clue how to do the whole “let him come to you honey”– I was just a love and relationship mess.
In adulthood if I encountered the same issue it turned into the most confusing Tom and Jerry chase in the world because now that I was an adult the intentions were not as innocent as a high school crush. I now know that I was sexually experienced, exposed and could opt to seduce a friend instead of go through procedures that involved conversation and seeing where this man’s head was at.
The powerful sexual energy that creates us is the same energy that can destroy us. So your friendship is going great, you know you’re catching feelings and want nothing more than to act on impulse and call it a day- Here are some of my thoughts situations like this:
- What we want at the time is not necessarily what we will end up with. Once sex is involved in any relationship whether the intention is to be casual Friends With Benefits or not, the dynamic changes. Are you acting on impulse because of boredom or loneliness? If so, take one step back and reflect for a minute longer and be honest with yourself.
- Has your friend given you reason to make a move? Men are usually ridiculously forward when they pursue a woman. Don’t feel the need to pull a Xena Warrior princess and put your friends’ nuts in a mental choke-hold. Simply state your feelings, ask for his opinion and LISTEN to his answer.
- Have the dreaded conversation dammit! Please remember that gaining clarity whether or not the answer is what you want to hear or not is a blessing. If you have bared your feelings and the response or reaction from your friend is unclear, muffled and just down right unsettling- Guess what? – We have resistance. Resistance does not mean, “I’m shy”, it means, “I’m not there with you, I prefer a friendship.”
- Impatient, ambitious and beautiful women, quit pursuing men. They bluff like they like it but after a while when woman pursues a man it begins to slowly strip them of their masculinity. When we strip a man of his masculinity he gets confused, stops putting in effort and will get bored of you quick.
- He’s a big boy, if his intentions are compatible with yours you will get the sense of it when you have the dreaded conversation or beforehand.
It’s not easy to make small talk with a man you would rather straddle and handcuff to your bed, I know this. I know that it’s near impossible to control or steer our desire for anyone in a preferred direction. I don’t even expect anyone going through this situation to play on the cautious side but I do know that when something is right and the universe wants your friendship to elevate to a romantic level it will be because both parties are on equal playing ground.
And besides if he’s truly a friend he’ll be there even if he’s not feeling the whole straddle and handcuff plan..if he’s scared off, let him go better is just around the corner.
If you are going through a similar situation and need to bounce some thoughts off me, hit me up firstname.lastname@example.org – I don’t bite (unless you mess with my money or family)
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