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young black woman smilingDear Gay Best Friend,

I’m kind of hoping you can and will help me out. I’m a 23 year- old virgin and have been single for 8 years. I consider myself to be attractive and I have my life together while always trying to improve myself. Everyone always assumes I have boyfriend but alas, I don’t. I’ve gone on a few dates in those 8 years but nothing has ever come from them. One date consisted of me and the guy going to a Chinese restaurant ending in him trying to guess my breast size and challenging me to an arm wrestling competition. Then he acted like he didn’t know why he was still single…yeah, I stopped seeing him post haste.

Then there’s a guy who’s a musician that comes around every blue moon who’s spontaneous and exciting but I can’t take him seriously. He says he’s attracted to me and wants to pursue things but he’s never in the same city because he’s constantly on tour. Also, if he does text me I’ll respond and he won’t say anything else. He’ll say something like, “Good morning beautiful,” and I’ll say, “Hey ________,” and I won’t hear anything else which frustrates the hell out of me. These instances are sporadic and months or even years apart. He’s a little odd.

Recently, I met a guy at work and we went out a couple of times but the last time we were on a date there weren’t any sparks at all and he never clearly defined his intentions. He wasn’t the least bit direct like I’m used to and left me completely confused. Also, I’m not sure if he remembers my name cause I’ve never heard him say it or seen him text it. I expect a guy to take the initiative and I think it just boiled down to there not being enough chemistry so I haven’t seen or communicated with him since that date. It’s disappointing because I don’t meet a lot of guys who I’m attracted to and who are single and interested in me at the same time.

I guess my question is, what am I doing wrong here, or is there something I need to do differently? I’m not the most social person, but I do go to different places just to keep from going to work then back home. I’m active in my church and even though I’m not much of a club person I’ll go once in a while just to have a change of scenery or just to have fun. The usual demographic for guys that hit on me are men who are 20+ years older than me, or guys my age who ain’t about -ish. I’d rather have someone no more than 3-4 years older than me. Maybe I’m not direct enough because I’m a little shy, but I feel like a man should pursue a woman. Besides, the last time I pursued a man it ended up in the Chinese restaurant incident. I’m not in any rush to lose my virginity by the way. I just want to meet someone that challenges me and who I can really vibe with. Where is he?? (Age old question) Any suggestion would be helpful. – Over Being Single

Dear Ms. Over Being Single,

Girl, I feel you. The pickings are slim, and the men who do approach you make you shake your head. It’s almost like, “Where do these men come from and who trained them to be men in the first place?” Honey, I tell you, these men today are a piece of work. They want women to be their mother’s, girlfriend’s, wives, sex partners, mistresses, maids, cooks, bankers, and teachers all rolled up in one. Yet, they are not brining anything to the table but a lot of empty promises, broken dreams, and a penis that half of them don’t know how to work or use!

If you’re going to talk a good game at least back it up and lay some good pipe. Make me feign for it, yearn for it, and desire it. Don’t think you’re laying it down after a few humps and grunts, and then you roll over and want some food or some money. Get the freak out of here!!!

But, I digress. I did find humor in your letter and I’ve come up with some great adjectives for the men you’ve been out with, as well as most women who are looking for Mr. Right. These are the types of guys I’ve surmised you’ve encountered: The guy from the Chinese restaurant wanted “instant” p***y.  Chile, these men think that by taking you to a restaurant (Not even a 5-star restaurant at that), or a movie, or, hell, even to Starbuck’s for coffee, and they’ve shelled out a little over fifty bucks and they deserve something in return. Uhm, no, boo boo! In the words of Lil Kim, “You want a cheap trick, you better go down to Freak-Nic.” There will be no freaking, cuddling, coddling, touching, caressing, or sniffing of anything. We need to have several dates. I need to know where you work, where you live, your momma’s name, your daddy’s name, your sexual history, ex-girlfriend’s lurking in the background, any baby momma’s, and other pertinent information that may warrant a background check before we jump in the bed.

Then, there is the musician you went out with. Uhm, sweetie, he is not odd. He wants “reserved” p***y. He’s the type of man that probably has several different women he’s communicating with, and he’ll tell you anything you want to hear. He has a stable of women on reserve just in case one of his women gets out of pocket, or ends their torrid love affair. When one leaves, he’ll call you up saying, “I’m so sorry about my behavior. I’ve been working really hard and focusing on my career. And, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. You’re the type of woman that I feel I can settle down and be with. You’re smart, intelligent, and I want to know more about you. I want to make it up to you. I hope you can forgive me, and how I’ve been treating you. Perhaps we can get together for dinner tonight, and see where this takes us.” Yeah, men, do this type of stuff all the time. He’s only communicating with you to make sure that you’re still there, and when –ish hits the fan, trust and believe he’ll be calling you more frequently.

Awww, and then there’s the guy from work who wasn’t aggressive. He’s the, “I’m not interested, but if offered” p***y type of guy. These men won’t tell you that they’re not interested and will just stop communicating, however, if you keep pursuing them, or if you keep the lines of communication open they won’t turn down getting in your pants if you offer it to them. They often times figure that their lack of communication or pursuit of you makes you more intrigued with them, or perhaps as a sign of disinterest. However, because most women won’t leave it alone, or walk away from a man who disses them or fails to communicate, they figure he may be shy, or something is off and they pursue him trying to find closure, and instead of closing their legs they open them to see if, perhaps, he may be a better lover than boyfriend. LMBAO!!! Stop it, ladies. Just walk away and leave him alone.

Here’s what I suggest, you’re young, and you have your life ahead of you. And, I’m certain your hormones are raging and you want to be in the presence of some male testosterone that stirs up your loins and makes you at least get a little wet. If you have a church home, see if your church has a singles ministry, or a men’s ministry. I’m certain there are plenty of young men who are desiring the same things as you, but you’re just overlooking them and not seeing what may be directly in front of you. Check out the scene and do a few meetings with the Single’s Ministry and see what potential lies there. Hell, I’ll even say join the choir or usher board. These positions will place you directly in front of the church congregation. It gives you a stage to see all the possible single and available men who come to your church, as well as for them to see you. You better use those eyes as binoculars and scope out these men! Don’t be shy. Become a “man watcher.”

And, do you live in a college town like Charlotte, Atlanta, Durham, and other places where there are a plethora of college bound men who may have recently graduated from college, or are pursuing a master’s or doctorate degree? Honey, there are some smart and intelligent brothers right in your backyard. Get out there and see who’s in the yard. What about visiting sports bars, museums, and perhaps taking up a dance class. There’s also travel clubs where members travel out of the country and visit various new cultures and lifestyles. Many single people are members of these travel clubs.

You’ve got to put yourself out there. Be interactive, social, and engaging. Men love meeting women who are friendly and have a smile on their face. Don’t be out in the club, or some event with a scowl on your face. If you’re angry, and your disposition is unapproachable then perhaps you should keep your ass at home watching The Bachelor or Love And Hip Hop and updating your Facebook status with commentary on their miserable love lives. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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