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Ye, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of No Men…

There are certain circumstances in all single people’s lives that are unavoidable: learning to sleep in the middle of the bed, holding your own hand through sad movies, and an occasional brush with the sobering experience of celibacy. Sadly, having suffered many a sexual drought in my life, here is my compilation of obvious cons and my pathetic attempt to highlight some pros when you are flying solo.

1- Having to choose between buying dinner or buying more batteries

There is no sadder day then when you are just having a really sexually stimulating day at work – whether it is because of the work you were doing, or because you saw some cute guy at Starbucks that morning. The whole day is consumed with mental “That’s what she said” jokes, and you know exactly what you’ll be doing when you get home (wink wink). However, if you are as lazy and forgetful as I am, you’ve experienced that “sputter sputter” noise from your vibrator that says you will be forced to live in a hell of sexual frustration with no alleviation available.

2- I will do the next person that touches me

If anyone has ever experienced a sexual drought, you know what I am talking about. There is absolutely nothing worse than being so sexually starved and charged that literal stranger contact is arousing. I live on a college campus, and a lot of my long distance travel is done via bus. On those rainy days when the buses are packed, and a guy will just accidentally touch me in any way, I could literally say, “do me.” What is even more depressing is that that thought runs through my mind before I even look at the toucher, and when he turns out not to look like a young Benicio Del Toro, I feel even worse because my offer still stands, even for troll men, because I am that starved for sexual contact.

3- I might need a hand replacement

In the unfortunate event that your batteries do die, and those are the batteries you harvested from the remote last month because your flashlight batteries died the month before, it is time to kick it old school-style and attend to yourself digitally. This is fine for a quicky and the occasional battery shortage, but like I said – if anyone is even half as much of a procrastinator as I am, you never have batteries or jumper cables… Due to this, you seriously could develop some type of carpel tunnel and have to be rushed to the hospital. Could you imagine that ER conversation? “Yes, my hand is cramped and feels like it is going to fall off.” “Have you sustained any major injuries?” “Nope, I was doing myself.” How does that get filed for insurance? Masturbatory mishap?

4- Catch up on your TV

I mean, I suppose celibacy is facilitative towards catching up on your missed episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Nip/Tuck”. However, when you are sexually deprived and horny, everything in your life becomes sexualized. Especially “Nip/Tuck” because, let’s face it, it is practically soft-core porn.

5- Catch up with yourself

This is an actual pro. Although having a partner is usually plus in the quest of sexual satisfaction, that lack of one really does allow for you time. Weather you are in your bed with battery-operated devices or not, being alone allows you to re-prioritize, and you can put yourself at the top.

Being on the “solo mission” is not something one actively seeks out, but when it pops up, like jury duty, just embrace it and know that everything passes. Besides getting reacquainted with yourself (mentally, emotionally and physically), I would suggest buying stock in Duracell, start taking cabs or driving your own car, buy a wrist brace, and cut down on your bills by shutting off your DVR because you won’t be doing anything or anyone, so you can watch as much Lifetime: Television for Women as possible… Joy.

Does he have what it takes….”down there”?

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