Send your questions to Terrance: email@example.com
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been married to my husband for 9 years. When we met I was very impressed with how he interacted with my 2 children and they really liked him a lot. They were very excited for me to marry him. On my wedding day, as I was getting ready to leave for the church, I glanced at myself in the mirror with the, “What the hell am I doing?” look. And I knew then that I really didn’t love him, but I had to go through with the wedding because I didn’t want to waste everyone’s time.
Anyway, as time went on we had a child together, but my husband started changing. He was not hanging out with the kids. He wasn’t having much conversation with them. Over the past three years he has been withdrawn and very isolated. My 8-year old even asked him, “Daddy, do you have any friends?” And, he said no and she said, “Well, aren’t you lonely with no friends?” And, he goes on to say how he doesn’t need any friends and he doesn’t trust anyone, etc…
Now, also for the last 3 years, I have been losing interest in him. I’m no longer physically attracted to him and his, “I don’t want no friends” attitude makes me ill. I have not kissed him in years. He gets mad because I don’t cuddle and hug up with him, but I just can’t bring myself to do that. I have packed up on two different occasions and moved out with my three kids, leaving him with everything, but each time due to financial struggles I always have gone back. This man is clearly unhappy. I’m not having sex with him because he doesn’t turn me on. We don’t have conversations because when I try to hold a conversation he is so dry that I lose interest in talking to him. He has told me as recently as yesterday that he is not happy in this relationship, but he refuses to end it. And I’m at a point where I refuse to pack up the kids and uproot them anymore. So, if anyone is leaving it’s going to be him.
I never knew that ending a marriage would be so damn difficult. I feel like I am stuck. And, if I say, “I want to leave,” at first he’ll be mad, change the banking password, order checks without my name on them, etc…. Then, he’ll start begging, pleading, and crying. And that turns me off even more. I don’t understand him at all. Please shed some light. – Trapped In Matrimony
Dear Ms. Trapped In Matrimony,
Girl, it’s early in the day and your letter brought me all the way down. Whew! I need a pick me up. Where’s my cocktail?
As I read your letter, I immediately thought of one word, “complacency.” The reason neither of you will move on, or do anything about your situation is because you are complacent in it. It’s an uncomfortable comfort-ability. You know, it’s like an old blanket filled with holes, stains, and needs washing, but you keep throwing over you because it’s so comfortable. Uhm, sweetie, that’s why have stores like Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
But, I blame it all on YOU! Yup, I sure do. Because you knew the moment you were leaving to go to the church for the wedding and you had the thought, “What the hell am I doing?” And, at that moment you knew you didn’t love him, but you went ahead with the wedding because you didn’t want to disappoint who, again? Other folks. You didn’t want to waste everyone’s time. Honey, well, you’ve just spent 9 years in a relationship wasting your time, his time, and your children’s time. And despite what you think, you have wasted other folk’s time as well.
I mean, girl, girl, girl, I don’t get why you two, if you’re that unhappy, won’t let go and get the divorce. Oh, yeah, it’s because of the emotional and mental energy it takes to go get a lawyer, file the paperwork, go before a judge, sign the papers, tell the kids, tell your family members, move out of the house, start over, and wonder if you’ll ever find another man again. Girl, it sounds draining just typing it. But, honey, the longer you sit in your misery, the longer the both of you will continue to bicker, despise, and be unfulfilled in your marriage. If you’re not happy, move on.
I tell you, I wouldn’t sit under someone who I was miserable with for 9 years just for the sake of saying I’m married. Honey, miss me! And, you need to miss yourself!
Have you two tried marriage counseling to discuss the issues and problems in your marriage? Have you gone to your pastor or minister to get spiritual counseling? What about talking to each other and discussing the problems in your marriage, and how about you being honest with him and telling him that you’re not in love with him and why? Ugh! I swear y’all folks don’t listen. You never have and you never will. When I say communication is the key to any relationship, COMMUNICATION is the key to any relationship. Honey, a closed mouth doesn’t get fed, and you’re starving just like your marriage.
As uncomfortable and uneasy as it may be, you have to communicate with your spouse and be upfront about your feelings and emotions. Chile, the man has probably figured out that you don’t love him, but until you actually say it, and stop demonstrating otherwise, then he won’t know for sure. And, honey, believe me when I tell you this, your actions speak louder than words. You may have left him and moved out with the kids twice before, but guess what, you moved back in with him. In his mind your actions prove to him that you love him, and that there is something there between you two.
Look, Ms. Trapped In Matrimony, I’ve got some things to tend to, and one of them is not you and this situation that you created for yourself. If you’re not happy, then move on. Tell your husband. Explain to him everything you said to me in this letter. Chile, call a press conference with him and have him sit in that Lazy-Boy chair he sits in and read the letter verbatim to him. If you want results, then you must produce. Stop tip-toeing around your situation. Get into action and become proactive. MOVE! GET! GO! If you want your situation to change, then you’ve got to change. And, after you opened your mouth, said your peace (not piece like Madea), get into motion and call a lawyer, start the divorce proceedings and move forward. If the two of you can’t agree on why you should be together, then it’s clearly time to move on from one another. Can you imagine spending another 9 years with your husband, with no communication, no affection, no loving, no nothing? SMDH! Stick around if you want to, but you already know what you’re getting. I also suggest you get into some counseling and figure out why you are such a pleaser and victim. Yes, darling, it seems you like to please folks, and don’t like troubling the waters. Why are you that way? Why do you feel the need to please others? Honey you better get a backbone and stand up and speak out. If you don’t you will find yourself trapped in another marriage for another 9 years wondering how you ended up back in the same place with another man you don’t love. And, darling, do you even love yourself? Do you love your children? Because they are witnessing all of this and surely as I tell you, your kids will grow up to be just like you – miserable, unhappy, and stuck. Girl, BYE! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Would you marry someone if you didn’t love them?
Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!