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You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance:

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Yesterday, my son, who is 14-years old and in the 9th grade, told me that he has a friend who hits his girlfriend from time to time. Just in the last week or two, he has witnessed his friend smack her, mush her to the ground, bust her lip and occasionally thump her. The other day the boy chased her down the hallway at school and when he came back, my son asked him what did he do to her and the friend replied that he smacked her. He tells her not to get up and threatens her if she does get up. Her friends try to comfort this girl when she cries, so it’s not like other kids in this high school don’t know about it.

I am Facebook friends with the “abusive kids” mother, but I don’t really know her well enough to tell her what I know. Who’s to say that she would believe me? I asked my son how he felt about what he has witnessed and his response was, “She must like it.” He also told me that it’s the “going thing” for the boys to be in control of their girlfriends. They curse at them, yell, embarrass them, grab them, and these girls are taking the abuse. The boys actually sit around, laugh and talk about who has more control over their girl. The sad thing is this friend isn’t the only one who is abusive. My son said some of them don’t hit their girlfriends, but they call the girls bitches, and threaten them on a regular basis.  According to my son, the two have been an item since the 6th grade, and she probably would not leave him anyway.

As a 33-year old woman, who actually lived through a 10-year physically and verbally abusive relationship, I feel for these young girls. I know the emotional long term pain it causes. It bothers me to hear my son, as well as so many others, say, “She must like it.” Nobody likes getting punched, smacked or embarrassed. We stay out of fear. We stay because we feel we can’t do any better. We stay because our self-esteem has been so tarnished and broken that we fear that nobody else will want us. Thank God I was strong enough to finally leave his sorry ass.

My question to you is, “What do I do with this information?” Should I tell and risk exposing my son? Do I make an anonymous phone call to the school? Or, should I just leave it alone and just make sure my son knows better than to hit his woman. My fear is that this girl is going to eventually be seriously hurt by this kid. Please Help! – Concerned Parent From NC

“I’m Giving Him Money, But He Won’t Make Me His Girlfriend”

Dear Ms. Concerned Parent From NC,

You are a grown ass woman who spent 10 years in a physically and verbally abusive relationship, and you’ve been made aware of a young girl who is experiencing abuse, yet, you’re asking me what to do? Girl, for real? Come on now, you’re smarter than that. At least I hope you are. In the words of my girl, Ms. Oprah Winfrey, when you’ve been made aware of a problem or situation you must act. You have to do something. And, sweetie, you have been made aware. You can’t sit by and not do anything. You are the parent. You are the adult!

I can’t! Not in 2011. Please, Lord, give these people the common sense you gave them, and let them use it.

Honey, trust me, I totally understand that you don’t want to get involved with someone else’s child or parenting. You feel you are only responsible for your child, and his behaviors. Well, Ms. Honey, your teenage high school son is witnessing a young girl being abused, he tells you about, and you ask him how he feels about it and his words are, “She must like it.” I see the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. If he is so blasé about the situation, then his attitude reflects the nurturing, training, mentoring, and attitude of YOU, his mother. If you were on your job and educating your son on the affects/effects of abuse, and especially informing him that NO MAN PUTS HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN, then he wouldn’t sit by and let this happen. Your son would stand up, be a young man and tell his friend it’s wrong and that he shouldn’t be hitting a woman, and your son would let the administrators know what’s going on.

First of all, you need to sit down with your son and be honest with him about your own experience. Chile, some of you parents wear me out thinking you’re doing your kids a favor by not telling them about your own experiences. You have to let him know what you’ve been through, how it affected you, and the lessons you learned from it. Stop hiding and keeping secrets from your kids. He is old enough to understand and comprehend.

Another damn thing, these kids today need some fathers and strong men in their lives. I can’t and don’t understand this lackadaisical attitude we have in our communities when it comes to our kids. They don’t have any home training. They are running amuck. They have no fathers in the home to help build them into strong men with guidance, responsibility, and obligations. They are terrorizing our communities, and as a result young women are prone to violent and abusive young boys who don’t know nothing about nothing. These young girls come from broken homes where no man is in the picture, so they have no understanding of what daddy looks like and a powerful strong man in their life. These young girls imitate the patterns of their mothers who are so desperate to have a man that they put up with abuse, (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and these young girls are so desperate for attention that they allow these young boys to manipulate, beat, demean, and abuse them. I call it, “The Looking For Daddy Syndrome.” They want any man to come into their life and give them purpose, a sense of self and worth, because they don’t know what love looks like, or what a strong black man who is responsible, caring, loving, nurturing, and encouraging looks like. Thus they put up with this nonsense from these knuckle-head little ass boys who think they are men, yet they are scared little boys trying to dominate and control others because they can’t control themselves or their lives.

Chile, don’t get me started. I am so over this damn letter. Ugh!

And, yes, I know how these little nappy-headed boys think because I’ve recently been in a high school and heard their conversations. These little f*****s think they are grown ass men. They talk about the many girls they are pimping, and getting money from. They shared their stories of their sexual conquests and the mind games they play on these young girls. Ms. Honey, spend some time in your son’s school by sitting in on a few classes, girl, you will be shocked and amazed by the conversations, and the things they do in class. And, these fast ass little girls need some classes on self-esteem, self-worth, and better parents. Their mothers are a hot mess. Many of them dress and act like teenagers themselves; trying to be hip and popular parents. I’ve seen some of these mothers come up to the school with their Apple Bottom Jeans on, Ugg Boots, and too-tight shirts with their cleavage hanging out. All I do is shake my damn head.

You need to march up to that school, tell the administrators what is going on, and demand that they do something. I don’t care what your son will think of you, and neither should you. Honey, you are the parent and the adult, not your son. Get your grown woman on and do something today! And, yes, reach out to your son’s friend’s mother. Hit her up on Facebook, ask her for her number, and ask if you can talk face-to-face. Don’t make it a confrontational event, because there’s already enough violence going on, and trust me, if the young boy is abusive to the young girl, then I am certain he learned the behavior in his home. Violence begets violence. Once you sit down with her, share with her what you know and what your son told you. And, even get your son to tell you the young girl’s name, where she lives, and her parent’s information. As a matter of fact, demand it from your son. Then you get in touch with her parents and let them know what’s going on. I’m sure the young girl is hiding it from them. Chile, you parents better get involved in your kids lives. I mean, come on sweetie, wouldn’t you want to know if it was your child being abused? Wouldn’t you want someone to come to you and tell you if your son was acting out and being violent?

And, think of the consequences that may come about if you don’t say anything. What if this little boy does something that puts her in the hospital, or God forbid, he kills her? Then how would you feel knowing that you had information about his violent behavior, yet you did nothing? I just want to snatch you up right now!

Look, Ms. Concerned Parent In NC, we all have to work together. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and Ms. Thing you are in the village. Stop being the side-line-turn-the-other-way-neighbor and get involved in your community. More importantly, start in your own home with your son. It’s time you sit down with him and share what you’ve been through. Stop p***y-footing with him and tell him of the dangers of abuse. You have firsthand knowledge and you can impart to your son this knowledge because when you know better you do better. And, let him know that IF YOU EVER FIND OUT THAT HE PUT HIS HANDS ON A WOMAN, YOU WILL KNOCK HIS LITTLE ASS OUT, AND TAKE HIM TO THE JAIL YOURSELF! I also would be so bold as to get involved with your son’s school and be a speaker and go to some of the classes and speak about abuse. Yes, speak with the principal, teachers, and other administrators and tell them that you will volunteer some time, perhaps once a week, to speak to various classes about abuse and the dangers of it. You can be a catalyst for change. You can be a role model to some of these young girls in your son’s school, especially the young girl who is the girlfriend of your son’s friend, but you’ve got to get over your own issues and start speaking out. Speak up, damn it! Girl, my blood is boiling. I mean come the “F” on! We are losing so many kids to bullying, teasing, and taunting and there are many parents just like you who heard about it, or know of someone being abused, yet you don’t do anything. But, you want to be the first one on the 6 o’clock news with rollers in your hair, and a too small tank top on with your bra straps showing, talking about, “I knew something was wrong with that boy. I didn’t think he would take it this far. I should have said something, but I didn’t want to get involved.” Girl, BYE! Get your head out the sand, and get your ass over to that damn school now! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter, HERE!

Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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