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Dear Gay Best Friend,
Back in Jan. 2009 I went to a month long school for my job and I met this female. At first I didn’t pay her any attention until she started going out of her way to talk to and be around me. This female would always stop by my room, always come sit with me at dinner and always show up at the places I would hang out. On the night before graduation she finally told me she thought I was very attractive and was interested in me. I am a female myself and I had thoughts of being with another female but never acted on them. The fact that she was interested in me didn’t affect me too much because me and her lived three hours apart and she was already engaged, and claimed to be so in love with a guy. We said we would remain friends and keep in touch.
On the ride back home I received a text message from her saying how she wanted to get to know me better and was willing to work something out. Over the next few days I received calls and text messages from her every day. That following weekend was Valentine’s Day and she asked if she could come see me. Even though I said sure, I didn’t know why she would rather spend time with me on Valentine’s Day other than her fiancé. She comes on V-Day bearing gifts. That was the best weekend of my adulthood. We laughed, we talked and I had my first sexual experience with a female and it was wonderful.
Of course after that we grew closer. She came to visit almost every weekend and our “friendship” grew. I would ask her about her fiancé and of course he would call while we were spending time together, and she would ignore the calls. She would say she didn’t want to be with him and planned on returning his ring to him. She did exactly what she said she would, called the engagement off and returned the ring.
A few weeks passed and we continued to do what we did. Until one day that all came to an end. She called me and told me that she couldn’t do this anymore. That God was watching and that she needed to be with a guy, she needed to be with her ex-fiance. For maybe a month, she went back and forth between us two. He finally emailed me one day asking what’s going on with us. He also stated that he knew she didn’t want to be with him and wasn’t in love with him anymore since she met me. I also knew this was true, but she wanted to live right. She changed her email address, changed her cell number, and cut off all communication with me. I was devastated because she was my first and I knew she loved me.
Months later she begun to email me again and I didn’t reply. I couldn’t reply, she hurt me too deeply. Over the past year and a half they got married and she has started back communicating with me on and off. The past two weeks have been more than usual. At first it was on a friendship level but slowly she has begun to express her remaining feelings for me. She says she hates that she hurt me and that she was influenced by outsiders. We are definitely miles apart now due to the fact that my job moved me to another country. The past two weeks she has been emailing me everyday asking me to get on web cam with her and I have been doing so. I try not to be so available for her or let my feeling show but deep down inside I am ecstatic that she is communicating with me so often. She tells me, “I still love you and I couldn’t stop thinking about you over the months that’s why I kept emailing you.” She also tells me she plans on getting a divorce and wants to come back to me.
I know she loved me. I think she still cares for me and she’s right, she does keep returning to my life, but she is now a married woman with a different name. She sent me a message and told me to check my email. I checked it and it was naked pictures of her. I thought to myself, ‘What would her husband say if he knew she was sending these pictures to me?’ I am keeping all the pics and emails so if something comes up with him I can show him that his wife approached me and all the things she sent and have said to me. Am I wrong for planning to do something like that? What should I do? Sometimes I think she is playing with my heart because she comes and goes from my life as she pleases. When she didn’t want to talk to me she didn’t and made it where I couldn’t contact her. But now she wants to talk and she’s emailing and texting so often. Do I let her back in my life or should I tell her that we can only have a friendship and I don’t want to hear all the extras? I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore, but I will always love her because she was my first. – She Keeps Coming Back
Dear Ms. Keeps Coming Back,
Sex is not love. Sex is not love. Sex is not love.
I don’t play the damsel in distress routine. Oh, she seduced me and made me fall in love with her. She won’t leave me alone. Girl, Puh-lease. And, I certainly don’t think for one moment you didn’t know why she was coming to spend V-Day with you instead of her fiancé. Really? You think I’m that naïve, and oblivious? You can play that game, but I’ll be damned if you think I’m going to play it with you. And, uhm, excuse me sweetie, you laid with her. You keep letting her back in your life. Why? Because she licked and munched on your black box and now you think you’re in love. She tells you that she can’t do it any longer, stops all communication, changes her email and phone number, then months later she emerges, and over a year and a half she gets married to the man, but she is filling up your head saying she misses you and her heart is to be with you. Girl, miss me and the late bus you’re riding on.
She is a married woman. If she was so conflicted then why get married? Why is she playing these silly elementary games talking about the outside pressures wouldn’t let her be with who she really wants to? Oh, really? So, everyone is holding a gun to her head and telling her what she better be doing? Her husband won’t let her leave because he has threatened her with physical violence? I don’t care who you are, but you can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to please you, and only you. Stop trying to please other people. And, at the end of the day you got to be happy, and she is miserable. And, one thing I know for sure is misery loves company. Chile, she can party with misery all she wants to, but you better not show up to the party. But, then again, you did! SMDH!
Both of you need to grow up and move on with your lives. If you don’t want to be bothered, then change your email, or stop answering her emails. Change your number. Block her calls. STOP COMMUNICATING WITH AMARRIED WOMAN. If she really wanted to be with you and it was destined for you two to be together, then guess what, you two would be together. But, refresh my memory, you live where again? Exactly!
This drama she is keeping us too damn much! They don’t have this much drama on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And, you’re a willing participant. Why? Why? Why? I need for you to really re-evaluate your feelings and emotions because there is a difference between the two. Do you love her or the things she says to you? Do you miss her or miss the sex? And, do you think she will really commit to you even though she has commitment issues? Yes, she has a commitment problem. She won’t commit to her own life. She won’t commit to her husband. So, what makes you think she will commit to you? Darling, sweetie, I’m here to tell you that she won’t commit to you. She will keep running those games even if you two were together. She will leave you, again, saying, “I can’t do this. God is watching and I feel guilty. My family and friends are going to disown me. I feel so conflicted.” I’ll tell you what she really needs some therapy to deal with her own issues. She shouldn’t be dragging you and her husband into her mess!
Look, Ms. She Keeps Coming Back, it’s time for you to move on. Yes, move on and be with a woman who wants to be with you and solely you. There are lots of women who are not into these silly mind games, and comfortable with who they are. You’ve got to love yourself, forgive her and yourself, and recognize that you never had a relationship with her, and you never will. By the way, you need to buy my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. It will help you get back to remembering who you are, and the fabulousness that you deserve. And, why are you saving the pics and emails from her? To prove to her husband that she is coming back to you and you had not part in it. Oh, girl, grow the “F” up! In case you didn’t know it, you are encouraging her by responding to her. Yes, every time you answer the phone, email, and jump on the web cam you are encouraging her with hopes that you two will be together. There’s a line in Spike Lee’s film School Daze where one actress says, “I don’t have time for children’s games.” And, neither should you. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!