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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I have been married for a very short period of time. Me, and my husband married November 30th, 2009. We argue about everything at least two times a week. He doesn’t trust me. He’s jealous of everyone I come into contact with and he thinks that I sleep around with my male co-workers. It doesn’t help that he was recently laid off and now things have gotten worse. He calls me out of my name in front of my children. When I want to leave he won’t let me leave. I am sick of this!!! Is this the way a marriage is supposed to be? He was locked up for 12 years for robbery and I feel his trust issue and paranoia has something to do with that.
I have tried to get him to go to marriage counseling, but he doesn’t believe he needs it. He says the answer is in the Bible – which I totally agree but it’s not working on his part. – Ready For Divorce
Dear Ms. Ready For Divorce,
Oooooh, chile! I feel for you. You’re not married to a man, you’re married to an insecure abuser. He is emotionally and mentally abusive, and I wouldn’t put it past him to say he is or will become physically abusive.
Now, the first thing that hit me is when you said he accuses you of sleeping around with your male co-workers. I am a strong believer that when someone is accusing you of sleeping around it’s because they are doing it. Oh, trust and believe, when someone is doing dirt they will do any and everything to cover it up, and oftentimes they accuse their mates of the very thing they are doing to make it look as if you’re the one who is doing something. Honey, don’t fall for it.
But, nonetheless, I truly feel you need to have an exit plan. Why? Because when you leave, he will become a stalker and track you down. And, again, if it hasn’t gotten physical yet, it will. The reason I say he will become a stalker is because he has stalker tendencies, and the way he acts is the sign of a man who is controlling and abusive. You said he doesn’t trust you. He’s jealous of everyone you come into contact with. He calls you out of your name in front of your children. And, he refuses counseling. Yup, darling, he is an abuser.
Here’s what your exit plan should consist of: 1.) Save enough money to put a down payment on an apartment on the other side of town. You don’t want him following you or knowing where you live. 2.) Do not forward any of your mail. If so, have it forwarded to a P.O. Box at the post office, or one of the UPS Stores. 3.) You are going to have to leave when he goes out, or leaves for a period of time. As you’ve stated, he won’t let you leave. He knows you’ll leave him, so he watches your every move. 4.) Tell your family, friends, and co-workers what is going on. You will need documented proof and witnesses. You need to be forthright and tell them what’s going on, and how it makes you feel. Do you feel threatened? Do you feel he will harm you or your children? You need to make sure everyone who can hear you knows your story and experiences.
Also, in my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I have a chapter entitled, Love Yourself: If You Don’t, Who Will? This chapter is all about love. I explain what love truly is, and how to identify it in your life. And, more importantly, how to love and treat yourself. Because if you don’t love you, then no man, or person who you invite in your life will love and treat you with the respect that you deserve. If you think you are trash, then people will treat you like trash. If you think you are nothing, then others will treat you as if you mean nothing to them. And, honey, don’t EVER make someone a priority in your life when they make you an option.
Listen, Ms. Ready For Divorce, I’m not sure why and how you met your husband, but for him to be locked up for 12 years for robbery, and you married him, what were you thinking? Where was your head during all this time of dating, and sleeping with him? Honey, you’ve been married a short time, but trust and believe, the tell-tale signs of who he was had shown up in the beginning of your courtship, all of this did not just start happening. So, you have to ask yourself why did you choose to ignore the signs, and did you think you could change him? Or, did you feel sorry for him and thought you could help him get back on his feet? Whatever you thought, it’s time for you to listen to your womanly instincts, which are telling you to leave, and get out before you end up as his next case. You catch my drift? And, I as tell all you DIVA’s out there, no man is worth the aggravation if he is not encouraging you, uplifting you, empowering you, inspiring you, or making you feel as if you are his Queen and number one lady. If he is tearing you down, making you feel less than, uninspired, and calling you out of your name, what do you do ladies? GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. HE IS NOT THE MAN FOR YOU! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!