Dear Gay Best Friend,
I just learned about you and I think what you are doing is wonderful. I love the advice you give, and I know it is true and honest.
Here it is, I have been with my man, “Isaac,” for eight years and I am ready to leave. First of all, this relationship was doomed at the beginning. Everything I said I did not want in a man is what I ended up with.
Some of the things are: I said I did not want a man who was walking and did not have a car, no one who has been in jail, no one with a lot of kids, and no one that hits a woman. Isaac has done everything on my list. You see I prayed for strength, wisdom, and guidance and I thought God sent Isaac to me. That is why I stayed in the relationship. As the years went by I saw he was mean, demanding, manipulative, controlling, and just downright rude!
Isaac is an Aries and I am a Libra. I like to stay balanced, but he is tipping my scales and I can’t keep them straight. What has happened is that I just realized I am being verbally abused. I have always told him there is a way to say things to people so that they don’t get the wrong impression. Whatever he thinks just flies out of his mouth. For instance, Isaac does not want to go on a cruise because he said stuff happens. I told him I was going on a cruise this year and he said if I do he will not be here when I get back. At this point I don’t care. He also told me that he has to distance himself from me because I make him mad, or that he feels like knocking me out. These are fighting words to me.
I have lost some of the love in my heart for Isaac because of the things he says and does. He has made me feel like I am not important anymore to him. I have to get the groceries out the car while he sits there and play video games. Don’t get me wrong, Isaac is a hustler and he will offer to help when he sees me going back and forth with the bags. There are other small things he does that I feel he should be treating me more like a woman. We do not have trust in our relationship.
These are some of the small things in our relationship that have been eating away at my soul, but I have no one to talk to about this. We do not go out (clubbing or otherwise) without each other, but I feel only because he wants to know what I am doing with my time. Isaac feels like I should ask him out or pay for whatever we do. He will pay once in awhile, but I am used to the man paying for everything, and if I want to pitch in I can. I already know I have to do something about him (leave!).
I just want another opinion on this doomed relationship. I am not happy at all now, and I once thought I was. Isaac was in prison before and a lot of his ways remind me of what they would do while in prison. I know he is selfish, and I am giving. We are opposites and I must say there may be certain things about me that he hates. I try to treat people the way I want to be treated, but I don’t feel he wants me to treat him the way he treats me. He said he was used to the woman paying for him and his way. Now, come on, I am the Bitch not him…LOL
I am mad at myself because I overlooked all of the warning signs. Neither of us has ever cheated on the other, but I am at the point where I want to find someone to treat me like a lady and we share how a relationship is supposed to be.
By the way, we live together. He has asked me to marry him, but I know we will never get married. I was married before and I learned from my mistake. What happens before you get married will continue to happen while you are married!!! I am no fool. I will not marry him and I know by now he will not marry me. I just want to disappear out of his life with no explanation because I know he can’t handle the truth. What should I do? – Want To Escape
Dear Want To Escape,
Why delay the inevitable. LEAVE! Please, really, go. Run. Pack up and dash!
You are absolutely correct when you stated that the relationship was doomed from the beginning.
I can tell you this, God did not send Isaac to you. You brought Isaac to you.
There are two things I know for sure. One is that the universe will give you everything you ask for. I mean everything. The second is that the universe will give you everything you don’t ask for. Whatever you focus your energy and desires on will manifest. Yes, even the things you don’t want. The biblical scripture states God will grant all the desires of your heart. If your desire is focused on what you do, or don’t want, and the desire is so intense, strong, and on your heart, it will manifest.
You brought Isaac into your life because the very things you so strongly desire against has manifested.
You said you prayed for strength, wisdom and guidance, well, Ms. Honey you should have prayed for patience. I can bet any amount of money that you jumped on the first man that came across your path after you prayed for all that, and you figured it was Isaac, because he came at that moment and time. Honey, miss me with that. You need patience.
Now, I am concerned because on your list you said you didn’t want a man who hits women, and that Isaac has done everything on your list. Why are you sticking around? Why would you allow a man to put his hands on you? I am a firm believer that people will treat you how you let them treat you. If you let him hit you and get away with it, then he will continue to hit you. You have to walk away from this relationship. He is physically and verbally abusive. Oh, hell to the naw! That negro gots to go. And, that bull-ish about you making him mad and he wants to knock you out. You need to go and get some real dudes to meet up with him and let him say that to you in front of them. Let him fight some real dudes who wouldn’t mind going toe-to-toe with him. I tell you what wait until that bum, lazy, trifling, no-good, wanna-be-thug goes to sleep and then you go into the kitchen and boil some grits. Toss them on his ass and break out of the house. That will teach him.
And, what else I don’t like is the fact that you referred to yourself as a BITCH! Why would you say that about yourself? Is that how you feel about yourself? Don’t refer to yourself in a negative tone and manner. If you feel that way about yourself, then why would you expect someone to treat you as a Queen or help build you up? Change the way you think, and you will change your circumstances.
But, I am bugging about him saying that he is used to the woman paying for him. He is not a child, and you are not his momma! He’s a real buster. Why are you with this loser? Come on girl, you deserve someone better, greater, wiser, and smarter.
Look, Ms. Want To Escape, if you’re in a relationship with someone and they are not enhancing or contributing to you being a better person, and you don’t feel inspired, empowered, or uplifted when you are around them, then it’s time to go. If you feel drained, agitated, hurt, uninspired, and worse whenever they are around, then it’s definitely time to go. They are spiritual vampires sucking the life out of you. Why keep them around or allow them space in your life? Please, girl, no amount of man is worth staying in a relationship if he is making you feel that miserable.
Yeah, pack yo’ –ish, get your bags of weave, all of your Mac make-up, your House of Dereon and Baby Phat jeans, and your fierce pumps and you hit it Ms. Honey! – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend