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Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
I hope everyone is ready for the weekend. It’s going to be Beautiful so get out and have fun.
And, to set your weekend off, it’s “Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend,” Advice Day. I have two letters from two different women who met men online, but are curious to know where the relationship is going. Check out the letters and chime in with your great feedback!
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I met a guy, “Phil,” online six months ago and he seemed really nice. We spent a lot of time together. We went out to restaurants and spent time at my house. Phil has met my family and friends and I have met his family and friends. He is even great with my two boys. Phil is a Christian and very much saved, which is not a problem. The only problem I am having is how long do I have to wait for a title to be placed on what we are? How long do I wait for any physical contact — even a kiss? Or, how do I even know if he is actually interested? My gut tells me that he isn’t interested, but whenever I decide to delete him from my life he comes around or calls. Please help! — Hanging on
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am 18-years old and the dude, “Chris,” I am talking to is 28-years old. I met him on BLACKPLANET. When we finally met in person, everything was going toooo fast. I started to stay the night at his house every week and we became very sexual with each other. The weirdest thing I noticed about Chris was he kept trying to get me pregnant (he doesn’t have any kids). Chris kept trying to make me move in with him and he was trying to marry me. He’s a very sweet guy, and he’s an officer in the military, but I just don’t know what to do because I still care about this man. Although I feel like it’s kind of strange for him to want all that in a short period of time. – Much Too Soon
This Is My Response:
Dear Hanging On and Much Too Soon,
So, let me get this straight. You meet men online, complete strangers, folks you don’t know and you want to know where the relationship is going? Hmmmm, let me put it to you this way. Would you meet a stranger on the street and give him the keys to your house? Uhm, no, you wouldn’t. Would you give a complete stranger your ATM card and pin number? Uhm, no, you wouldn’t. Why? Because you don’t know them.
I don’t understand this fascination with people wanting to meet folks they don’t know online and strike up a relationship with them and invite them to your house and introduce them to your family. You don’t know this person. You know nothing about them. Yet, you allow them entrée into your life without any reservation. LADIES, WAKE UP!!!
Don’t get me wrong, I know there are some good people out there and many have found love, or friendships. But, regardless, you still have to be careful. Some folks don’t have the good sense God gave them, and sometimes it makes me wonder if people get so caught up and desperate to meet someone that they ignore their own good sense.
Don’t you know that people online can be anyone they want to be? They create new personalities, identities, and personas. Behind the screen they are whoever they want to be and whoever you want them to be. Think about this – why do you think people have screen names as a moniker? It’s the identity they want to be. It’s not their real name, but a persona they’ve created to build their self-esteem and ego. They want to be the identity that their scream name represents. They get to be sexy, bold, daring, and outgoing. They are friendly, loving, and social butterflies. Until you meet them in person, and they are nothing like their onscreen persona. HA! HA! Gotcha!
My spiritual god-mother always tells me, “When you meet someone for the first time, you are generally meeting their representative. The person is on their best behavior, hiding all their junk and stuff behind the lies and stories they create. Then slowly, but surely, the real them starts to come thru. The person they are trying to hide starts to shine and reveals all their mess. But, you got to pay attention and listen. You have to be observant of their behaviors. It requires due diligence in recognizing bullsh*t.”
And, ladies, you have some –ish on your hands. Why are you hoping and wishing some man you don’t know, and that you met online, will be in a relationship with you?
But, hold up and wait a minute Miss Much Too Soon. You are 18-years old. What are you doing messing around with a grown man ten years your senior. He is a decade older than you. What do you have in common? What conversations do you two have? And, he is trying to get you pregnant. Chile, please! Why are you having unprotected sex with a man you don’t know!!??!! Girl, you better start using condoms with this man. You know what, better yet, let me ask you some questions:
1.) Do you know his sexual history and past?
2.) Have you two gone together to be tested for HIV or any other diseases?
3.) Do you even know his HIV status?
4.) Have you met his family, friends, co-workers, or neighbors?
5.) Why does he want to marry you and move you into his home and you just met him?
Let me tell your fast little self something. Stop playing house with this grown man. You may think you are grown, but you are not. The signs he is demonstrating to you sound very similar to someone who may be controlling, or possibly abusive. Think of all the things you said to me. He is moving tooooo fast. He is trying to get you pregnant. He is trying to get you to move into HIS house. He wants you to marry him. Like you said, honey, it is strange for him to want all of this in a short period of time. Girl, he is filling that hole in your head with all that talk. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
And, Ms. Hanging On, I haven’t forgotten about you. Girl, girl, girl, what are you doing? In six months and there is no physical contact. Then, I don’t think it’s going anywhere. There is no relationship. There is no taking it to another level. You want to know what the title is for what you are? Honey, you are acquaintances. That’s it. Nothing further, nothing more. And, just like your signature, Hanging On, girl, I say Let Go!
You want to know how to tell if he is actually interested in you? He isn’t. In those six months you’ve allowed him into your life, he’s gotten to know you by hanging out at your house, meeting your kids, and family, and taking you out to restaurants. He’s been around you, seen you in action, and determined where you fit in his life. No where! I don’t think he sees you as a mate or girlfriend. But, more importantly, why are you ignoring your womanly intuition and gut feeling? You said your gut tells you that he is not interested. Trust your instincts. Trust yourself. And, more importantly, love yourself and move on. You have to see yourself as worthy and valuable. Don’t let someone, and particularly no man you met online determine your self-worth or value – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend
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