Dear Gay Best Friend,
My man and I have a wonderful relationship. We both have fantastic jobs. He is great with my and his own children (from previous marriages), and he takes good care of me and our household with no problem. We attend church, many social functions, go out on date nights, travel, and get along great. A woman could not ask for a better partner and our life together could not get any better. We have discussed marriage, but decided to wait until we both have our own individual situations in order before coming together as a union.
The issue is that he is addicted to porn and dating websites. I have used his computer a few times and noticed throughout the day that he is watching ALOT of porn and going onto dating websites looking at women. He is on the computer from the time he either gets home or wakes up, when he is not working, until he lays his head down for the night. He does not respond to the messages on the sites, nevertheless, I can tell he is looking at profiles and porn.
I’m home as well in the evening, but he gets there a few hours before I do. When we are there I do not smother him and we give each other space, but we find time to spend with each other. I’ve had close friends say, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.”
I have tried to turn the “other cheek” but I cannot deny that it bothers me. He comes home from work every day and has never stayed a night out. I do not ask him a lot of questions when he is gone out because I’ve never been the type of woman to feel the need to know my man’s every move and whereabouts. I know he previously was into very sexual things that included swinger parties/threesomes and he has it bad staring at women when we are in public, but I tease him about it. I’ve had open communication with him about fantasies and we try different things to attempt to make our love life more exciting. I know he loves me very much, but I really do not know how to feel about him right now knowing that he is doing this. – Discombobulated
“I’m In Love With A Drug Addict & I Pray That God Delivers Him”
Dear Ms. Discombobulated,
So, you do not ask him a lot of questions when he goes out because you’ve never been the type of woman to know your man’s every move and whereabouts, and, let me get this straight, your man spends an unlimited amount of time on porn and dating websites? (@ – @) Wide-eyed blank stare at you!
So, why don’t you just pack him a goody bag of condoms, whips, chains, handcuffs, lube, and dildos the next time he leaves.
Chile, your man has an obvious sexual addiction and you’re over there trying to be Ms. Understanding-And-Not-Smothering-And-It-Don’t-Bother-Me-So-I’m-Going-To-Ignore-It-Superwoman. Newsflash: You don’t have an “S” on your chest. So, take that damn cape off and get real!
I want to know where do you all get these friends from who endorse and co-sign the bull-ish ignoramus behavior that these men put you through? The hell they are talking about, “You should not care about it. He is good to you and a man is going to be a man.” Yeah, you listen to them if you want to. Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who are spending a lot of time on porn and dating websites? Are any of your friends dealing with their mates who have a swinger past, into threesomes, and openly stare at other women in their presence in public? Yeah, just as I figured. None of them. But, you’re taking advice and listening to them. Dumbass!
Instead of sitting over there trying to be emotionally and mentally strong, you need to open your damn mouth and speak up. That –ish is not okay. It’s not healthy. And, it’s definitely not good for your relationship. The man is looking up porn and dating websites in YOUR own damn house!!! You don’t find that disrespectful and unsettling? Hello, (moves your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead) is anyone home? Anyone? Any one?
If you can easily get on the computer and see what he’s doing, then what about the children in the house who also have access to the computer? Did you think of that? I swear I wish I could shake some of you deer-in-the-headlights folks sometimes.
One day he is going to ask you to do a threesome or something freaky. Then you’re going to sit over there acting all shocked and appalled that he asked you to participate in something so vile and disgusting. Girl, he is showing you who he is. Why are you ignoring him and it? Why are you acting special…wait, what am I saying. You are special. Please put on your helmet and make your way outside to the yellow bus pulling up to your house. There is someplace I need for you to go.
I feel it’s time you and he have a conversation. Yes, open and honest communication. I really don’t understand you people who are in relationships but are afraid to speak up and talk with your mates about things that bother you in the relationship. Because, trust me when I tell you this, ignoring this situation will only create other things that will frustrate and irritate you. You will hate walking in the door of your own house and seeing him on the computer. You will begin to resent him. His breathing will make you irate. Then you will be yelling, “Do you have to breathe like that?” When you’re having dinner, you will look over at him, stare, and then blurt out, “Do you got to chew so damn loud?”
Your relationship will begin to falter and you won’t know why. You’ll be fighting over every and little thing. And, at the root of the very reason: His addiction to porn and dating websites that YOU chose to ignore.
You’re over there boasting about your fantastic jobs, how he’s great with the kids, and takes care of you and the household, yet, both of you are divorcees, thus, by my reasoning both of you are relationship dumb and retarded. You won’t speak up and he’s doing what the hell he wants to do. Re-read that statement and then ask yourself if that makes any damn sense to you?
So, Ms. Discombobulated, how about you pull yourself together and stop acting like you’re a high school girl. You’re a grown ass woman playing house with this man, so start acting like a grown ass woman who has some damn sense and speak up and put your foot down. Let him know how you feel about his porn and dating website frequent trafficking. Let him know how it disturbs you, and that you don’t particularly care for him doing it, let alone in the damn house, and with your kids who can easily get on the computer and see it. And, you need to ask him if there is something he needs to share with you, i.e., any desires or fantasies he wants to fulfill, if he’s unhappy in the relationship, why is he on dating websites, and if he’s thought about therapy for his addiction. Because, it makes no damn sense for someone to be on the computer from the time they wake up and until the time they go to bed scouring the internet for porn and dating websites. Especially, if he is in a committed relationship, and in love with you. Girl, you better get a damn back bone. Push them breasts up, round them shoulders, pin that weave up in a bun, and put your damn foot down! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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