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I want to go back to school. This week my son started first grade. He was a little funky style about having to give up his days of DVRing Spongebob and kicking my ass in Wii Boxing to actually go and learn, but he’s come around to the idea. We’ve been letting him dress himself in the mornings, so, as an act of protest, he put his uniform shirt on backwards and tried to go commando…but I’ll take that over a temper tantrum any day. Besides, by the time he got to the schoolyard and realized he was reunited with his pre-K sweetheart, everything was right with the world.

There is a book out there called All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. I’d like to amend that to include the 1st Grade. My first job out of college was teaching a room full of 6-year-olds at a private school in New Jersey. I’d somehow convinced them that I knew enough about math and kids from my days tutoring for Street Fighter II money to be trusted with their education. Suckers! I keeed. But I was little more confident in sending my son off to school this year because I kind of knew what he was in for. He was going to get the building blocks for life in this next year:

You will lose your teeth.

Vanity is the downfall of society, and most 6- and 7-year-olds will part ways with their two front teeth. They’ll be proud and scared at the same time while never realizing how many kinky people find gaps sexy.

Falling is necessary.

Time to take the training wheels off the bike, literally and figuratively. This year you will learn how to balance yourself and realize that you must keep moving in a forward motion, at a steady clip, or you will fall down. But even when you do, getting back up is the only option.

Don’t Sleep.

There is no more naptime. You will have to stay focused for an entire day without the aid of a pillow and a foam mat. And, much like your friend Jimmy who fell asleep on the bus, grown-ups that fall asleep at work find themselves left behind.

Keep your hands to yourself…

One simple phrase: Sexual harassment.

…And wash them when you leave the bathroom.

You’d be surprised how many grown-ups still don’t do this. It sends a loud and clear message about what kind of person you are.

And the real reason first grade is the shiznit? Life was so much better when I rocked a backpack everyday.

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