There are a certain amount of inevitable circumstances all single women have to accept. For instance, attending parties and work functions alone, being sat at the dreaded ‘singles’ tables at weddings, no morning sex (unless you are either very naughty or very lucky), and the walk of shame. For those of you who don’t know what ‘the walk’ is, it is that dreaded walk home that usually follows an alcoholically induced, poor sexual choice.
Your eyes pop open in slight disorientation as to where you are and how the hell you got there. Then you see Casanova snoring next to you, who, in daylight is not the Armani model look-alike you thought he was. You get up, feeling like your head is about to implode, and then you make the biggest mistake of all: looking in the mirror! Your hair looks like a rat nested in it for the night, and your mascara has made rings around your eyes that make you look like you were paid for last night’s activities and live in a gutter. Your teeth feel like they are wearing sweaters, and the very worst of it is…you have to walk home like that.
On your walk home, your platform heels and freakem’ dress, violently screams ‘slut!’, even though it certainly didn’t the night before. Then come the looks. Everyone is looking at you like you should be burned at the stake for witchcraft. Well – not everyone; women give that look, and guys give you the eyebrow raise, which usually translates to, ‘niiiiiice.’ Either way, the scorn of your shame feels like the sun is beating down on your neck, and you are literally sweating like a whore in church.
Hopefully you are lucky enough to go home and change your clothes and wash your face, or you could end up like me, in college, going straight to my Friday morning class. The class happened to be ‘Jane Austen as a Prominent English Writer;’ by the by, and something about reading about women in petticoats while I am in the same clothes I did shots of Jack Daniels in just felt wrong.
Just remember: if you have the unpleasant experience of taking the walk of shame, either get a cab and avoid it, or know that thousands have gone before you and thousands will go after you. It is part of being blissfully unavailable, yet available to everyone. Put on a mischievous-looking smile and know that people are raising their eyebrows, but probably out of jealousy, because they most likely watched reruns of Jeopardy! last night.