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I was shocked to discover that, despite her No. 2 overall ranking in the Wimbledon tournament, Serena Williams has far too often been playing the bulk of her matches on inferior courts and at bad times. This is done, as reported by Charlotte Hilton Andersen of the Huffington Post, not only because peak courts and time slots generate the best media coverage, but also because pro tennis (even at Wimbledon) would rather feature better looking players than better skilled players.

Of course I, being from the old school, think Serena Williams is the most beautiful woman on the planet. I also can assess a woman’s beauty while barely looking at her face and sometimes without even looking at her face at all! But I wanted to be fair. So to get a truly intellectual perspective on Serena Williams and beauty in general, I, much like the Republican Party, turned to blue collar workers. And who better could fit this role than some of the characters you might already know from my Factotum-like night gig?

Is Serena ugly?

“Yes,” said a 29 year-old cat (not our married 29 year-old cat-a new cat). “What people have to understand is that beauty is symmetrical and if even one part of your body is out of proportion then you can’t be beautiful.”

“She’s just too (flexes his back and his shoulders) ‘mannish’,” says our 39 year-old Haitian cat.

“I’d give her at least an 8 or a 9 (on a scale of 1-10)”, says our 20 year-old cat.

Our 22 year-old cat shrugs then offers offhandedly, “she’s better looking than her sister.”

So who is beautiful, then?

Alicia Keys,” says our 39 year-old Haitian cat.

Keri Hilson,” says our 20 year-old cat.

“That chick from Friday After Next (K.D. Aubert)” says our new 29 year-old cat.

Our 22 year-old cat doesn’t answer. He’s like that sometimes.

Noticing a pattern here, though if you haven’t noticed it, I won’t explain it, I quickly ask;

“Am I the only one that thinks Gabrielle Union is hot?”

This is met with an uncomfortable silence that lasts a few moments before the subject is mercifully changed.

So, as usual with my Factotum-like night gig and not counting the noncommittal answer of our 22 year-old cat, the voting ended in a tie.

Can someone, anyone, cast a deciding vote?

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