Tonight is game four of the NBA finals and if you plan on watching it outside your home, you’ll probably find yourself in a bar surrounded by a bevy of men. Suited and booted men. Men in jerseys and jeans. Men who subscribe to beard “gang-gang-gang.”
It’s quite plausible that your desire to watch the game may have absolutely nothing to do with gaining the attention of men. Maybe you want to impress your boss, or that annoying co-worker who knows everything and is just obnoxious and loud about it.
Either way, the #IssaSnack gentleman you’ve been eyeing all night walks over and sparks conversation about the game, or your over zealous colleague starts popping off at the mouth about the finals: What do you do?
This is a guide on how to front like you’ve never fronted before. A basic blueprint, if you will, on how to perpetrate false knowledge on the finals, Joanne The Scammer style. The strategy is to deflect and then razzle dazzle them with extraneous facts which may or may not have anything to do with what is actually going on. Like dangling a shiny object to distract.
First things first
The Golden State Warriors are taking on the Cleveland Cavaliers tonight and the series is 3-0. A win for the Warriors means they pulled off a four-game sweep and will make history as the first team to go undefeated in the playoffs = legendary.
These folks dribble the ball and/or tell the people who dribble the ball what to do, so you should know them.
Tyronn Lue: He’s the Cleveland Cavalier’s head coach. Won two championships with Kobe and ’em in 2000 and 2001.
Lebron James: Started in Cleveland, took his talents to South Beach (Miami Heat) and is now back in Cleveland, like the college student that never left. But with all of that, he’s still one of the greatest NBA players of all time.
Kyrie Irving: Plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers. His brows are fleeky. Believes the earth is flat.
J.R. Smith, Iman Shumpert: These two were traded to the Cavs in 2015 from the New York Knicks. Before he got married in 2016, J.R. Smith was known for being a thot. Iman is married to Teyana Taylor.
Tristan Thompson: Plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers. Dates Khloe Kardshian. Google: “Tristan Thompson + jeans.”
Stephen Curry: Plays for the Warriors. Also referred to as “Steph Curry.” See Drake reference, “Chef Curry with the pot” (his wife Ayesha Curry is an actual chef). He also recently grew a beard just because.
K.D. (Kevin Durant): Plays for the Warriors. Is loathed by his former Oklahoma City Thunder teammates (Russell Westbrook), but his heartwarming speech to his mom, “You the real MVP” is now pop culture gold.
Draymond Green: Plays for the Warriors. Also believes the earth is flat.
Defer to Kerr
Repeat after me: Steve Kerr is the head coach of the Golden State Warriors. But, he’s not just the white man in the suit calling the shots. He played professional basketball and is actually pretty woke. Kerr will always be respected because he played on the legendary Chicago Bulls from 1993 to 1998. So watch how you speak on his name.
When in doubt, Michael Jordan
It’s absolutely imperative that you do this. Mention that Jordan (the G.O.A.T) played through game five in the 1997 finals against the Utah Jazz with the flu! The Bulls (Jordan’s team) ended up winning 90-88, with Jordan scoring 38 points. He was so sick that his teammate, Scottie Pippen, had to carry him off the court at the end of the game.
This is best to mention when BronBron starts getting upset and pulls out his flop game…
What’s up with Mike Brown?
This man coached the Cleveland Cavaliers from 2005 – 2010 and again from 2013 – 2014, but was fired months before Lebron James made his return in 2014. Last year, he joined the Warriors as Kerr’s head assistant. Folks are pretty skeptical about this and are tracking his every move. Brown stood in as head coach from May up until Game 2 of the finals, taking over for Kerr who was recovering from back surgery. Reportedly Ohio State is eyeing him for the head coach position.
Just going to sit this here because he is fine and it is what it is. Oh, also he plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers.