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To Baby Khrist (as we have affectionately and almost blasphemously named her),

As your personal therapist (not really, but I am a Psych student), I feel it is my duty to give you advice, especially since you were born on 6/15/2013 (666). You were (in)famous even before you were born. You may not know this yet, but your mommy and daddy are huge celebrities who are being followed by paparazzi everywhere they go, and have barely any privacy.

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Here’s a few words about your mother:

She first became famous when she made an exciting, exhilarating and revealing video featuring herself and one of her “friends.” She also just recently settled her publicity stunted divorce from her husband, Kris Humphries. So, my first piece of advice to you would be to never settle for anything, but true love.

You can look at your aunt and uncle Khloe and Lamar as an example. Your mommy has now created a reality TV show featuring your new family, your aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins. Don’t worry, you will grow up on camera and in the spotlight and no matter how hard your family tries, your life will not be hidden.

It is my advice to you to NEVER, EVER, EVER do anything embarrassing in the media or even in “private,” or you could end up on the front page of every magazine and all over the internet forever. That’s another thing, don’t get caught up in social media, it will ruin you! Just stay away! Your dad does sometimes, but my advice to you is to never even open up an account!

Speaking of your father, let’s chat about him:

He is a famous rapper and producer and he is very talented. In fact, he knows he is. His most recent album is titled, “Yeezus,” which we all know sounds a lot like “Jesus.” So yes, he’s known to be a little crazy. For example, he once had an unfortunate encounter with Taylor Swift in front of a large crowd when telling her she was undeserving of an award. So it would be best to avoid her. She’ll be a country legend by the time you get your first car, or space shuttle, so just keep your disance. Also, there are some recent rumors of him cheating on your mom while she was pregnant. Just ignore those rumors. In fact, ignore all the rumors around your parents. They’re simply distractions.

Now that you have some background information, here’s some necessary guidance:

Do not get caught up in the fame, camera flashes and fortune that comes along with being a socialite and the daughter of Kanye and Kim. It will be your life, but you will have to do all you can to separate yourself from it. Good luck and if you need me, I’ll be here for you.

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