The mother/daughter relationship is a beautiful union that’s defined by unconditional love, support and guidance. Many people boast strong relationships with their mothers, however there are plenty of people in the world who love their mothers, but have a hard time liking them. In a recent post titled, Mothers Who Bring Their Daughters Down by Soledad O’Brien, the uncomfortable truth was placed in front of my face.
“These are mothers who engage in a stunning role reversal at the very moment their children need them most, demanding their daughters become caregivers, bail them out of trouble, support them when they can barely support themselves.”
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She profiled a young woman, also named Danielle, who struggles in the relationship she has with her mother. Danielle’s mom is a drug addict who has taken advantage of her since she’s come into adulthood. While living with her dying grandmother, Danielle’s mother, Regina was nothing less than a burden to her.
“Danielle bought her [grandmother] a car, and Regina got drunk and had an accident. The car was impounded. Danielle paid a fine. Regina’s boyfriend was stopped on a DUI, which was another fine. Then a relative crashed the car, leading to hundreds of dollars in repairs. Regina recalls how Danielle stood by her. ‘She took care of six or seven payday loans. She took care of me,’ she said. ‘She is a good person to lean on.'”
And therein lies the debacle folks–when time goes by and you become your mother’s main source of support financially and emotionally, and she becomes a burden. Danielle’s case is extreme and many other people have faced and are facing this kind of dramatic and confusing ushering into adulthood. However, dependent mothers are not only drug addicts. This type of case is apparent in other scenarios too. According to The Daily Beast, “The problem is particularly acute among children of the poor and of substance abusers, children who already face obstacles getting ahead.”
If you’re like me–you love your mom and have her support, but the relationship is strained because now, you’re an adult and your mother now needs you in the way you needed her growing up. Like Soledad explained, this issue doesn’t only effect children of drug-addicted parents, but people like me who have grown up in poverty. I am now an adult, with a job, making money and paying my own bills. I am in no way living a lavish life, but I am surviving. I don’t have a disposable income, but often times my mother needs me financially and emotionally.
While I love being there for her, there’s more times that I need her in the same way because I am a 28-year-old woman who still needs her mother to be her mother. Growing up, there were many times my mom couldn’t provide for me and all she could give me was love. As an adult, I get it, but as a child, I was resentful. I watched my friends depend on their parents to get them out of binds or provide them with basics like lunch money and I felt ripped off–like I was missing out on a special bond that parents share with their kids.
I am not labeling my mother a bad mother. In fact, she’s phenomenal. She has three kids of her own and still took in myself, my brother and sister due to our biological mother passing away. For that, I’ve always believed she deserves her own spot in heaven. But, she strained to show us all equal amounts of love and support. As the years went by, I realized I never went to my mother with complaints because I always thought she had her plate full. There were five other kids vying for her attention.
Not only that, but she was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia when I was in the 6th grade. From there, her health steadily declined, so there was less time spent with us and more time spent in and out of doctors appointments. I felt like I could never get her support because there was so much for her to focus on, dealing with her own health.
As a grown woman, I’ve come to recognize that resentment, but it lingers. I fight for it to disappear, but when I get a call from my mother about needing money and I am deciding on either keeping my phone turned on or buying food for the week, I’m reminded of our strained relationship. I love my mother and nothing will ever change that, but there are times I wish I could be her child.
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