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HB’s 5 Star Treatment is a quirky, off-the-wall way to get to know a few of your fave celebs outside of the questions they are usually asked. From breakup remedies to moments of lust, #TeamBeautiful digs deep and gives your fave celebs something to think about with our 5 Star Treatment.

When Marlon Wayans first walked in to the #TeamBeautiful office with his head down, he was engrossed with the call promoting his latest film “A Haunted House.” As I awaited his attention, he declined to make eye contact and I was immediately disappointed, thinking he would be one of those Hollywood-ego-too-big-for-his-britches folks–but I was certainly wrong. He started explaining the challenge of working as both producer and actor and I realized the conversation was detailing one of the great loves of his life–film, so I was just witnessing his passion.

Must Read: Marlon Wayans: ‘A Haunted House’ Is Better Than Those Other Bulls**t Parodies! [EXCLUSIVE]

After Marlon hung up, he was everything I’d imagined him to be–quick-witted, hilarious and warm. I’ve asked tons celebrities the “5 Star Treatment” questions, but somehow, this man managed to come up with answers so ridiculous, your side may split in laughter. From multiple orgasms to those pesky booty stretch marks, Marlon Wayans doesn’t shy away from anything, and may be certifiably the funniest and most random man I have ever met. Don’t believe me? Just read!

*If I was stranded on a desert island I’d bring…a cell phone. I got to have my cell phone. I don’t give a f*ck if there’s nowhere to charge it. I just feel so much better when my iPhone’s in my hand. Alright, here’s the thing. I’m on a desert island, let me stop. I don’t need my iPhone. I gotta have my kids. Gotta have my kids. No, I don’t need them because they gonna eat up more of the food and they gonna be callin’ me dad and then I gotta watch ’em all day and there ain’t gonna be no nannies to watch them. You know, leave the kids. Y’all keep your asses at home. I gotta have my TV with Direct TV. It has to be a flatscreen nailed up on a coconut tree and I gotta have my Grey Goose and I’m good. Skype my kids, on my iPhone that don’t work.

Check Out Marlon Freestyling On Gummy Bears:

**How do you express your love…Giving. Depends on what I’m giving. If I’m giving, it’s gonna be something nice. If it’s Christmas, I give. Or, you know, sex, I give orgasms. That’s how I express my love. I give you orgasms and you take three, I take one. That’s my deal.

Three orgasms?

Marlon: Three to one.

Is that an always thing?

Marlon: Yeah, for the most part. At least two to one.

Do you know if these are real ones?

Marlon: I’ll take the fake ones as long as I can sleep after, I’m good. I don’t really receive well. I just give, whether it’s advice or a laugh. When I make people laugh, it’s because I love you. When fans say, “I love you,” I love them too, because I give laughter. I know I’m not gonna change your life, but I will change your mood. So for that moment, you laugh. You felt better than you did the moment before.

*** The best way to get over a breakup…I gotta have my Vaseline and get my jerk on, you know? I got to. Got to, got to, got to.

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**** The one thing that I don’t like about myself…I don’t like the stretch marks on my butt. It’s weird. I think it’s coming from growing. But in the last couple of years, I grew an ass because I never had an ass. That would be weird if a guy got ass implants. ‘You know Marlon Wayans got ass implants?’

And I used to have this little mole on my d*ck, by the head. I don’t know where the hell it went. It ran away. I’ve been looking for it. Now there’s this little blemish where it used to be. So if anybody seen a mole, about my complexion, about that big [shows size using thumb and index finger], please return it to sender. There’s a reward. My d*ck needs it. Thank you. Ladies, check your mouths; it might have come off and they just [spits]. Go like this [makes swiping finger through mouth motion].

Check a carpet. It’s like a earring back. It’s really hard to find. But if you do, please bring me back the mole on my d*ck. I miss it. You know how we have lost and found for cats? Can we get a picture of the mole on my d*ck and put like, ‘Please call this number.’ Help me find my d*ck mole. Put it on the back of a milk carton. ‘Have you seen this mole from this man’s d*ck?’ Help a brother out. Now you know it ain’t gonna make no damn sense! Why you ask me?

*****What was your last moment of lust…I think I jerked off on Saturday and that was a lot of fun. I beat the hell out of it too. I made it skinny in the middle. All the meat was up at the top, looked like a shiitake mushroom. But I light candles when I do it. It was ménage because I did this hand and I did that hand [brings up both hands]. I don’t wash them either. I keep the flavor of the day on ’em to see what’s crackin’.

More Marlon Wayans:

Marlon Wayans Confronts His & Brothers’ Gay Rumors On Twitter!

Richard Pryor Biopic Starring Marlon Wayans?!

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