I am writing you this letter because I respect your honesty. I got involved with a guy in November of last year, seven months after leaving my physically abusive ex of twelve years. He invited me over, and we spent time together several times without having any sexual contact. Two months into the “friendship” he started asking me to loan him money. TO be brief, he paid me back the money that he borrowed just like he said he would.
Six months into it, he asked me to loan him $2,000, and I did out of my taxes (I got back 11 grand) and, because he paid me back over $1,000 that he borrowed from me previously. After he gets this money from me, he then tells me that he wants to be to himself two days later. I asked him why in the hell would he ask me for money then all of a sudden want to be alone. He claims that he was going through some things. Whatever. Anyhow, he had promised to repay me the money in monthly payment of $100, and only gave me one payment. He claimed that his mother spent his money that was in his account, and that he could not pay me back as we agreed. He promised to have a payment in two weeks, and to call him then. Unbeknownst to me, he had filed three police reports claiming that I had harassed him for months, and that he didn’t owe me any money. I was served with a restraining order, and he was granted one for six months.
I sued him in civil court because even though we had no promissory note, I had 10 recent text messages of him owing me the money and promising to repay it. I subpoena his mother as my witness, because I knew from the beginning that his story was BS. She testified under oath that she had no knowledge of me or my money. This old woman straight up lied! The betrayal that I felt, on top of the heartbreak, intensified. I realized that he had set out from the beginning to use me, and he lied to me when he could’ve been honest. That’s all I ever asked, and he knew that I cared deeply for him. So, I’m still in litigation, but he knew that I needed this money back. He knew that I was a single mom with two daughters. So, he didn’t just take that from me, he took from my kids too. I was good to him, compassionate when he cried on my shoulders, and I try to be the best person I can be to all of my friends, family and associates. I did nothing for him that I wouldn’t do for anyone else.
I used to be extremely selfish, and now I went from being too selfish to being too free-hearted. I allowed someone to see the good in me, and take advantage of it. I feel so stupid and I take responsibility for even loaning the money. It’s the betrayal that hurt most, the lies, the restraining order he lied on me in, when all I did was be good to him. How can someone be so heartless and cruel? No conscience. I go to church, I work hard for my tax money, I don’t lie, manipulate or use people. He had given me money to and bought me things, so all of this caught me off guard. Again, this was his plan, his trap for me. I met his representative; the real him came out much later.
I went through a severe depression, and even now, I’m still trying to put myself back together. I want his mom to be in court for the trial, so she can see how he did me. I’m really hoping that she make him realize how wrong he is, because she is the only woman he cares anything about. He has a daughter, and I told him that I’m someone’s daughter too. So, I guess that I’m just asking how to get over the betrayal. I see now that I got involved too soon after the 12 years with my ex, so men are a no-no for a long time. No sex, no friends, no nothing. I see why he’s been single all these years, and for him to be a FED-EX manager for 13 years, why use me for money? I’m ready for the lashing, but I just want him to understand how wrong he is, and how he really wounded me. I want someone to hurt him like that too, so he can see how that -ish feels. Maybe then he will realize how he hurt me, and all the other women he took advantage of. Because I know I’m not the first one. – He Took From Me
Dear Ms. He Took From Me,
Ma’am, the problem is that you ran from one abusive relationship right into another. You didn’t take the time to heal and seek therapy from your physically abusive relationship of 12 years, and I’m certain there was some emotional and mental abuse as well. But, the fact remains that you didn’t heal. You didn’t undo the 12 years of abuse that you suffered, thus, any man who heard your cry and your story knew that you were wounded. And, just like a lion, that man saw you as an easy weak prey grazing in the wilderness and pounced on you and your vulnerability.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that you should stay away from men and sex until you do some real therapy and learn how to recognize your own self-worth, and get to the point of loving you fully, completely, and honestly. Until you get to that point, please do not get involved with anyone else. As a matter of fact, focus on your daughters and raising them to be strong, beautiful, intelligent women who will not suffer or experience the heartache and pain you did for so long.
And, Ms. Honey, I’ve said this time and time again. And, quite frankly, girl, I’m getting tired of repeating myself, but here it goes: DO NOT LOAN MONEY TO FRIENDS, FAMILY, OR A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND. You are not a bank. You are not a credit union. You are not an ATM machine. And, if these people cannot walk into a bank and get a loan, then why the hell would you loan them money? If they bank sees them as a high-risk, then take note and tell them the same thing: “Boo Boo, I’m sorry, but according to your past creditors, debts, and your credit score of 375, you are a high-risk for a loan. I’m sorry, but I can’t loan you any money.”
Ladies, ladies, ladies, giving a man money to prove your love, loyalty, and your self-righteous attitude of, “I’m a good woman and good person, and I hope you’ll recognize that by me giving you money and it will join us together in love and make you fall deeper for me.” That MoFo –ish is pure insane asinine ass backwards thinking! Giving a man money is not going to prove anything other than that you got the money to give, and if you’re so giving then they’ll keep asking. Uhm, sweetie, if you’re such a wonderful, church-going woman, and you want to feel good about giving your money away then there are plenty of charities that can benefit from your kindness and good heart. A man is not one of them!
But, that rat bum bastard needs to have his nuts cut off. Someone needs to shake him down and whoop his ass! Why he did what he did is just purely evil and conniving. He is an asshole and to take money from you, and your children, is spiteful, dirty, and lowdown. But, don’t worry about the karma because he will pay and it’ll be in a way that’ll wear his narrow ass out!!!
Also, I need for you to understand yourself and why you keep attracting the men that you do. It’s time to do some introspection and look at yourself and the pattern of men you’ve allowed in your life. Your abusive ex is not the first man to abuse you. I’m certain of that. Look at every man you’ve been with, and the abuse you’ve suffered as a result. It can emotional, mental, and of course physical. Then ask yourself why is your self-esteem so low. Why do you need a man in your life that will use you, abuse you, and take advantage of you? Only you can answer these questions. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself the truth!!!! Damn it!
Moving forward, please continue with the court proceedings and keep every documented piece of evidence that you can. You’re going to have to prove in court that he asked to “borrow” the money, and that you “loaned” him the money, as well as he “promised” to pay you back. If you have emails, texts, or voicemail messages with him stating any of this, then it will help you in court. I also hope that you got him to sign something saying that you are loaning him money and he is to pay you back in a reasonable amount of time. A conversation between you two will not fly in court. You need to have it written, signed, and notarized. And, in the future, if you EVER decide to loan anyone money, I’ll snatch your ass by the head and whoop your ass myself. But, just in case make them sign a contract and include every detail possible about the repayments and the amount they are borrowing. But, to alleviate anything like this happening again, DO NOT LOAN MONEY OUT EVER! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!