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Portrait of young couple lying on bed

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There are certain times in life when silence is recommended, and even required. These times would include a funeral, a library and maybe the random trip to God’s house. Conversely, there are also times when one should be a chatty-Kathy – these would include cocktail parties, gab sessions with your girlfriends, and a rowdy night out. However, sex is not the time to take a vow of silence, nor is it the time to discuss anything other than the status of his and her genital areas. Last weekend, my girlfriends and I were having some cocktails and sharing our cock-tales, where I discovered the top five worst things any man, woman or whatever lies in between can say or do during sex.

1) We are not having sex in the Library of Congress, so speak up!

The general acoustics of the mechanics of sex are not pleasant. No one wants to hear “d” going into “v.” Because of this, most normal homosapiens create a noise buffer, like background TV noise, or the much-preferred “sexing music.” However, when none of these buffering methods are imbued, it is just really awkward. Compound this general silence with the sad sound of silent partners. I don’t know about everyone else, but sexing makes me pretty excited and happy, and I usually like to encourage and praise the good work that is being done down south. However, when the ‘Oh God’s aren’t being reciprocated, I just feel like a jackass, which makes me become more quiet and uncomfortable. Guys, sex has to feel just as good for you as it does for us ladies, so start telling us we are the Jenna Jamesons of your dreams and that we are the Goddesses of Sexing.

2) Oh! Surprise!

Sex may not be high tea, but there is still etiquette. I consider it proper etiquette for girls to trim and manage their fur bikinis. I also consider it etiquette for guys to use a tissue and an Altoid after muff diving. But the number one rule of sex etiquette is to warn a girl before you shoot spunk into our mouths. Having cum in your mouth is a lot like getting a shot at the doctor’s office; it is going to be unpleasant and all you want is a little heads-up before it comes. There is nothing, absolutely nothing worse than a girl going about her business and then all of a sudden without warning or alarm, there is joy-juice all up in her mouth. Guys, we want it to happen, that’s why we’re down there, we just want a couple of seconds of prep time before it all comes down.

3) Don’t get creative with the adjectives; stick to the Ol’ Faithful

We understand that having sex can be stressful, and sometimes there is so much to do and consider that your minds get a little nuts. This is why we like it when you keep your adjectives simple. Dirty talk is great – it gets you in the mood, it makes you feel like a total porn star and, if used correctly, can amplify the sexing romp. However, an ill-used chat session during sex can turn the heat from on fire to shrinkage-ly cold in no time at all. Example: my friend and her old boyfriend were getting it on and it was getting pretty good. The “You’re so hard” compliment was paid to him and it was his turn to reciprocate with the normal response of “You’re so wet.” But this jackass decided to get his thesaurus out and decided to use the world’s worst synonym for wet: moist. Moist refers to damp areas in one’s kitchen that harbor mold and maybe even anthrax; it should NEVER be used to describe a girl’s “V.” Stick to the basics, don’t get all fancy with the adjectives, because we get the point: You’re ready, we’re ready and we are both DTF (Down To.. you know the rest).

4) Oh Matt – – errr, I mean Mike…:

Alright, if anyone has either slept with more than one person or even had sexual fantasies about more than one person, there are a lot of images on your mind during the sexing. Ex-anybodies is always a bone of contention with your current somebody. No one likes to think about their boy or girlfriend doing someone else; it is unnatural. However, when you call out the wrong name in the key moment of passion, you are guaranteed to have a long conversation about what the fuck just happened and “where this is going.” I will admit that I am totally guilty of this one. Let’s just say that “Mike” and “Matt” were friends once upon a time, there was time that I dated “Matt” and then there was a time that I dated “Mike.” And then there was the time they wanted to kill each other. I made the somewhat catastrophic mistake of yelling out “Matt”‘s name when I was getting it on with “Mike.” He was none too pleased. In general, I know that orgasming can mess with your ability to form complete sentences, but before you commit to yelling out a name, make sure it the name of the person you are banging.

5) Three IS a crowd:

Numbers 1-4 have all been verbal No-No’s in the sac, but I have saved number 5 for last because it is so horrendous it gets to be the highest number. This boy I was seeing once upon a time had a little problem called honesty. He had me and then he had an ex-zygote, who turned out to be more of a zygote than she was an actual ex. And, like an idiot, I actually believed him. So, one night he and I were sleeping in his room (first and last time that ever happened), and we had just finished hooking up and were ready for a cuddle session when all of a sudden there is a knock at his room door. Then, without answer, because she is insane, she opened the door: it was the zygote pseudo ex-girlfriend. After she asked me if I was “having sex right now,” I politely responded with, “I don’t know what it looks like when you have sex, but this is not sex… Now get out!” After she left,yelling like a banshee, I was so mortified I had to get out immediately, which of course meant walking through her and her army of skanks, who were practically throwing rotten vegetables at me. So, I can confidently say that having an ex walk in on you and your boy is the world’s worst thing that can possibly happen in bed.

Sex is not hard – well, some parts should be – but in general it isn’t rocket science. All we ask for is a little encouragement, a dash of warning, a hint of normalcy, a touch of person recognition and, most importantly, a big teaspoon of decency!

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