Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am in a relationship with a man 12 years older than me. In the beginning of our relationship it was perfect! He was such a gentleman and knew how to treat me. Fast forward a year later and I began to see his true colors. I found out that he was in a relationship with another woman for 2 years! I was completely shocked and heartbroken. I was the side chick and didn’t even know it. When it was time for him to make a decision he dropped me like a bad habit and made it clear that he loved her more. To make a long story short they broke up (about 6 months later) and I decided to give him another chance. We are going on our third year together and things are good. We go to church and now live together as well. Besides him being insecure and jealous we have a pretty normal relationship. The problem here is that I just can’t let go of the past. There are a few details I left out (because you hate long letters). Should I try and work through it or do what I should have done 3 years ago? – I Can’t Get Over His Past
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Dear Ms. I Can’t Get Over His Past,
Well, there is nothing I can tell you. You’ve already made your choice. You took him back after he dropped you for the woman he was in a relationship with for two years. (Let’s be clear: They were in a relationship while you were dating him. And, like you said you were the side chick). He told you that he loved her more than he loved you. DAMN! That’s some cold ass –ish. But, when they ended 6 months later he came running back to you and you took him back. (Dumbass – Oops, sorry, that was a Freudian slip). You welcomed him home like the prodigal child. Just as happy and giddy that he came back to you after their relationship ended. I can see you now when he called you up. You were jumping up and down with that auburn wig on your head and doing your happy dance because he chose you, but only after things didn’t work out with the other woman. LMBAO!
So, what do you want me to tell you? You want me to tell you to stay and work it out since you two live together now. He comes home to you at night and you make him breakfast and dinner, and you know what he’s doing and where he is most of the time. And don’t let me forget that you go to church together. So, just because you go to church together you think you’ve made him change his ways. He’s reformed and is in love with you now? Girl, miss me already. (Just so you know I’m giving you the side eye with a smirk on my face). Then, you go on to state that he is insecure and jealous. Hmmmm, well, I know that when insecurity and jealousy are in a relationship it’s generally because the partner is doing the very same things they are accusing you of doing. But, that’s just me and my wisdom and maturity speaking.
But, that’s not why you wrote me, isn’t it darling. You want answers as to if you should stay and make it work or dump him like you should have three years ago. Honey, personally, I wish I might take a man back in my arms, life, and bed after I discovered he was in another relationship with someone else while dating me. And, then have the gall to drop me for them and tell me that he loved the other person more than me. Like our cousin Fantasia sang, “If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself. If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead to someone else.” Or, in the words of our girl, Beyonce’, “So, since I’m not your everything, how about I be nothing, nothing at all to you.” But, that’s just me, dumbass. (Oops, sorry about that. There goes that Freudian slip again).
You’re holding on to the past while trying to create a future with him. Either let the past go, or let him go. However, the problem you made was letting him come back with no reprimand of his actions. You made it too easy for him to return. You returned right back to the behavior and relationship you had when he left. It was as if he never left, never cheated on you, never deceived you, never manipulated you, and never made you feel worthless. He hasn’t paid for what he did to you. Oh, sweet chile, that man needs to pay for his actions. He needs to pay dearly and I’m not talking about a slap on the wrist or some verbal lashing. His paycheck, and I’m assuming he’s working, would be fully deposited into my account each time he gets paid. The mortgage, he would be paying. We would not be renting an apartment. And, I would find the biggest house, too. I would have the car of my choosing, paid in full. He would be showering me with lots of love, affection, and attention. He would make it a point to let me know how much he adores me, loves me, desires me, and with all his heart and all his soul how much he truly needs me in his life and there is no other. Again, that is just me.
But, since you refuse to let what happened go, then perhaps you need to find some closure. And, he can help you with that. It’s time you two sat down and you asked him some real hard questions. Ask him why he never told you about the other woman he was in a relationship with? Ask him that since he loved her more than you and dumped you to be with her, does he still have any feelings for her? Ask him if he is still in love with her. Ask him what really happened that led to them ending their relationship six months later. Ask him what do you mean to him. Ask him why the two of you are not married, and yet you are playing house and you’re living together, dating for the past three years, and there is no ring on your finger or marriage proposal. Ask him where does he see your relationship going. Ask him if he’s seeing any other women, or if he has been with any woman during the time you’ve gotten back together.
Then, I want you to tell him the truth. Tell him that you don’t trust him. Tell him that you haven’t gotten over what happened. Tell him that you are unsure of your present and your future with him. Tell him that you don’t want to play house for another year or three years. Tell him that you want to be married, have a family, and start fresh and new with him. Tell him that you need an authentic and true apology for what he did to you and how he treated you and how he handled the situation. Tell him that he really needs to work on regaining your trust, your forgiveness, your heart, and your love.
If after he answers your questions and you still find it hard to get over what happened, then you need to let him go. You need to remove yourself from the relationship and heal. Stop being bitter, angry, and hurt. You are choosing those emotions and feelings. Trust me, he has gotten over what he’s done. He’s not even thinking about it. You’re still holding on to it. Thus, your relationship is not authentic. It is unstable, and there is no trust. By the way, it’s obvious that going to church with him is not working because if it was then you’d have developed some spiritual muscle and wisdom to forgive him, move on, and stop suffering in silence. You’re just there for show. So, stop sitting in church pouting with your arms folded across your chest and that auburn wig sitting crooked on your head, and let God work in your life and everything will become clear. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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