Recently I was asked the interesting question of “If you had a superhero power, what would you want it to be?” I started to think about the endless possibilities… Would I want to shoot to spaghetti from my fingers? Fly? Invisibility? Force Djimon Hounsou to dump Kimora and fall in love with me? Oh no, mine is way more beneficial: X-ray vision. But not to save people’s lives or even to be able to see into people’s pockets in case I decide that my lunch is on you. My X-ray vision would be to solve the age old problem my friends and I have had since we started doing the No-Pants Mambo: Answering the question of what his one-eyed-snake looks like. I’m sorry – actually, I’m not sorry – but I’m a busy girl with a smorgasbord of male options. So before I commit any amount of lip flapping to you about some subject I don’t care about, all in an effort to bang, I need to know if it’s going to be worth my while. It isn’t good when any woman rips off your pants and has to ask herself any of the following questions: 1 – “Is it supposed to look like that?” or 2 – “Where is it?”
Since I have yet to encounter a toxic waste that will bestow the awesomeness that is X-ray vision upon me, I’ve made an ode to the five most interesting surprises my friends and I have discovered.
1. Awe, Cute – An Extra Belly Button
It is never good for a guy to have his wang confused with an innie or outie belly button. This is not doing either of us a service. All I’m saying is if said guy has the arrogance of someone packing a whole lot of meat in between their slices of bread, he better have the goodies to back up your bravado.
2. Is Your Penis Cold?
I consider myself pretty comfortable with the naked penis. However, when it is wearing a coat, I get slightly intimidated. Call me cruel or sexist (both of which I’ll accept), but there is nothing worse to me than unzipping his pants and almost circumsizing him yourself. When I encountered this “Chilly Willy,’ at first I thought, ‘Hm, a challenge, like calculus,” but then I recanted with, “Yup, I’m an English major for a reason.”
3. Excuse Me, Sir, You Have Balloons in Your Pants
In general I am a minimalist, hence, I don’t want to get knocked up. Ergo balls at all, let alone giant balls, are just unnecessary. To put it in more feminine terms, balls encompass the general life conundrum of pocketbook choice: if you are only packing a blush compact, why would you put that small of an amount of material in a huge tote bag? Catch my drift?
4. Penises, Like My Martinis, Should be Straight Up (but a lot cleaner):
Sex is hard enough to maneuver without adding in certain necessary angular adjustments because he is cocked to the left or right. When you think about any sexual act (handy J’s, Beejes, or sex itself), it is all based on the general assumption that he is as straight as an arrow. Being crooked is NOT a plus, buddy. I mean this specific dude also had slopey shoulders and cries more than most menstruating women; I should have known better.
5. The Pinky-Sized Penis Attached to Andre the Giant:
It is my plight in life to only be attracted to men who are 6’4″ and over 200 lbs. of muscle. This body usually suggests a good-sized wang because if it didn’t, what kind of sham would evolution be?! Why would a huge masculine man’s man have a literal prick attached to him? Because of my atrocious taste of men, I was able to find the large-man-small-wiener anomaly that exists in this world. So disappointing.
I guess I have pretty much said it all. If you are sadly born with balloon balls, a crooked cock or your parents were named Sunshine and Flower and didn’t snip you at birth, unfortunately you might be screwed, but not necessarily in the good way. As for the dicks without dicks, you better start shaping up or you might end up on some girl’s list. And women talk!