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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a 29 years old female and I have been dating my new boyfriend for a year. We met in November of 2009 and we officially became a couple in February 2010. Before we were “official” he gave me a key to his house, I met his friends and he told his parents about me (they live in another state). He is 28 years old and our relationship is really good. We enjoy the same things, he is supportive of my goals, he is sweet and he is God-fearing. I love him, I feel like he is the “one” and I feel really comfortable and happy being with him.
He recently told me he loves me, but he is not sure if he is “in love” with me. When he told me that, I was upset and hurt and told him we need to put some space and distance between us.
During that time, he was texting me, calling me and he even unexpectedly popped up at my house. His actions show me that he is in love, but I am still hurt by what he said. Is it too soon to be in love? Am I over reacting? Should I continue to date him and see what happens? Or should I break up with him and save myself from any more hurt?
I am also confused because he tells me all the time how he is happy to be with me and I am the only one for him. During our separation period he told me he had a dream that we were married. I asked him would he like for us to break up or date other people and he said no, not at all. He wants to stay together and build on our relationship.
What should I do? Should I keep it moving or stay and see what happens? – Do I Stay
Dear Ms. Do I Stay,
Hmmmm, let’s see. He loves you but he is not sure if he is “in love” with you. Uhm, if someone told me that, and now it’s a year later, then ten times out of ten they are not in love. They won’t fall in love. They won’t ever love me. So, would I stay in the relationship? Nope. Not if I wanted to get married. But, if you are enjoying the relationship and he’s a great guy, then, like him, it’s something to do until you meet the one.
Look, darling, you know the “one” when you meet the “one.” And, most men know the “one” when they meet her. They know that she is going to be his wife. She will be the woman he will create a family with. And, if someone is not sure if they are in love, then you can’t make them fall in love with you. You can’t make them love you. Sorry, but that’s the truth.
It’s clear that he cares for you. He really likes you. He enjoys being with you. You are a great person. But, as far as getting married, having a family, and growing old together, honey, save yourself the pain and hurt in knowing you are not his “one.” Don’t get your hopes up into believing that he will fall in love with you. Girl, it’s a year later! Chile, it doesn’t take that long to know if you love someone. Please wake up and get the sleep out your eyes. I can’t stand folks walking around in this constant slumber all dazed and confused. Miss me and your bus stop.
And, let’s say you two decide to stay together and get married. I guarantee you that he will step out of the marriage and cheat on you. He will grow to resent you because he isn’t in love with you. He won’t respect you enough to not sleep around. You will be spinning your wheels trying to prove to him how much you love him, and why he should be in love with you. But, nothing you do or say will change the fact that he is not in love with you.
Or, here’s another scenario. You decide to stay in the relationship because you want to make him love you. You want to give him time to fall in love with you. LMBAO! SMDH! That’s what crazy folks do when they really want someone to love them. And, let’s say you stay together another five years. Then one day he says, “We need to talk,” and ends the relationship. He tells you, “It’s not you. It’s me. I’m not in love with you. You deserve to be with someone who will love you just as much as you love them.” You’re hurt, heartbroken, and upset. And, six months later you learn that he is married to another woman. Uhm, yeah, sweetheart, it happens all the time. Some men will date a woman for years, and all of a sudden break up with her, and within months he is married to another woman. The woman he is in love with.
Look, Ms. Do I Stay, listen to what he is saying to you. Believe him. Please let go of the disillusionment of his actions and misconstruing them as he is in love. Chile, you folks wear me out confusing love with crazy. Yeah, that little break you had and he was calling, texting, and popped up at your house unexpectedly is not the sign of someone in love, that is the sign of someone who is crazy and a stalker. Then he told you that he had a dream that you two were married. LMBAO! SMDH! Girl, I can’t with you! Did you have the dream? Did God put it in your heart? I mean, come the “F” on, sweetheart. If you were destined to be with this man, don’t you think God will make the same visions plain for you as well? Girl, don’t you be so naïve as to believe his actions are signs of a longing love like what you see in the movies, honey, that is Hollywood. You are living in the real world with real crazy ass people. And, then he says to you, “Let’s stay together and build the relationship.” Build what? This isn’t a Leggo build a project! What are you building the relationship to? Where are you going? He wants you to wait on him. Girl, give him three months, tops. If nothing has changed, he won’t change. It’s going nowhere. It’s a dead end just like that dead end street you live on – DISILLUSIONED BOULEVARD – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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Lauryn Hill – When It Hurts So Bad