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Dear Gay Best Friend,
I meet this lady about a year ago. We hit it off right away. I was very attracted to her, as she was to me. She is a little older than me. I am 42-years old and she is 48-years old and has the body of a 30-year old. She is very well-educated, has a great job, owns a nice home, cooks like my mother and knows how to manage money. All what a man wants.
The problem I am having is my lady doesn’t like sex. She doesn’t like anything that’s wet or moist. When we kiss it’s like kissing my grandmother. She doesn’t like intercourse because it contains wetness. I have tried giving her oral sex, but she was so grossed out so I just stop trying. I have tried kissing the breasts, legs, back and stomach and she starts freaking out. I was like this can’t be real, but it’s for real. She wears a panty liner 7 days a week (24 hours a day) 365 days a year because she can’t handle the wetness down there. We have had sex about 5 times since we’ve been together and I had to beg for it then. I have talked to her about it and she says she is trying to change because she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I am getting frustrated.
After a year of dating, I don’t even know how the kitty looks like because it’s in the dark when do it. I did some investigating to see if she likes women, but that was not it. I have asked her girlfriends what’s up with this and they were very shocked. They stated that she’s been telling them that we are having great sex and I am the man she’s going to marry. One of her girlfriend’s did mention that she thought something was wrong because most of her relationships were cut short within 2 or 3 months. Finally, I came across one of her exes. I asked him why they broke up, and the only thing he said was, “Man if you like sex, run, man, run,” and smiled and walked away.
I am 42-years old and I like sex. I am not a cheater, but I am very horny. She has asked me why we don’t do vacations or getaways anymore, and I straight told her that I am tired of these so called romance vacations, and the only play I get is some cuddle time. An old flame called me up the other day and tried me, but I didn’t fall for it, but the temptation almost kicked in. Father Time is not too far away for our age. So, should I leave her and start life with someone compatible? Or, keep hanging in there to see if she will change. I was told by another female that if my lady has not changed in a year and she’s 48-years old, I might as well give it up because women at that age are set in their comfort zone and will not break. So, what should a Brother do? – Trying To Hang In There
Dear Mr. Trying To Hang In There,
This is the official memo for all those who are getting married, plan to marry, or are married and you didn’t get the one circulating before: (Clears throat) For all those thinking that once you get married to someone that your sex life will automatically change, IT WON’T! For all those thinking that once you get married to someone that your mate/partner will change anything i.e., start cleaning up after themselves, paying bills on time, get their credit in order, get their life in order, become a better person, change for you, love you more, do sexual things that they didn’t do before, stop cheating, stop their baby momma from interfering in your life, or any other thing you hope they will or won’t do after marriage, THEY WON’T! Marriage will not settle a person, make them better, or stop them from doing something they did before. The End!
Now, back to you my brother. I’ve heard of some crazy –ish. And, I mean some crazy addictions, fetishes, and other things that make you go hmmmm. But, this right here has got to take the cake. A woman who doesn’t like anything wet or moist? WOW!!! She needs to be on that new television show on TLC called Strange Addictions. This is very strange.
But, urrr uhm, why are you sticking around with a woman who clearly is not going to have sex with you, well at least not any type of pleasurable sex, and especially not any experimental sex, and damn, she won’t even let you touch, taste, or feel the coochie. And for real, Bruh? For real! The woman freaks out when you kiss her stomach, breasts, back, and legs. The woman is grossed out by this and you want to know what to do about it? You’re 42-years old, and appear to be intelligent. Why you acting brand new? Why are you being special right now?
And, you can forget about receiving any oral sex. Once she sees the secretions coming from your penis she will have a heart attack and then you’ll be at the hospital trying to explain to the doctors what happened. “You see Doctor So-And-So, what had happened was…” I say cut your losses and move on. Yes, homie, sticking around and trying to be a good man will leave you horny, nutted up, (which you already are), and eventually you will cheat on her.
Clearly, she needs some therapy and counseling for her bizarreness. I mean come on, dude, she doesn’t like anything wet or moist. Does she take baths or showers? She doesn’t use hand sanitizers? How does she even go out in public? There are lots of wet and moist things in the world. I’m surprised she has a job. As a matter of fact, what does she do for a career? It can’t involve interacting with people. Chile, I’m SMDH.
I understand your frustration but don’t be so naïve to think she will change or come around if she’s been like this all her life. I mean, Bruh, she wears a panty liner 24/7/365. The woman doesn’t even like her own Vah-Jay-Jay. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out, but if she doesn’t like anything wet or moist, then by my deductions and calculations, she hasn’t touched her own Vah-Jay-Jay and pleasured herself. She won’t even go near it. And, if she doesn’t like it, then she sure as hell won’t let you get near it, on it, in it, or any type of way you desire it. The punanny is off limits! Closed! Shut down! Out of service! Out of order! In disrepair! And, you, sir, are not the maintenance man. You may think you have a license or certification on coochie servicing, but this is one coochie you’re not getting. So stop trying to get something that you will (in my Chris Tucker voice) NEVER EVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER GET!
Look, Mr. Trying To Hang In There, I understand that you’re getting up there in age and you want to settle down, but find someone who is sexually compatible. Find someone who doesn’t have any hang-ups, or challenges because if you do stay you with this woman will find the both of you in counseling, she for her bizarre behavior, and you for cheating. It’s obvious she has adjusted to her life as a woman who doesn’t desire or have the need for sex, or anything wet or moist. WOW! I’m still bugging on that. So, that means the two of you can’t even kiss. Your mouth is wet and moist. Hot damn! You better get your things and get to stepping. You’re only going to frustrate yourself even further trying to stick around and hang in there. And, you’ve already stop going on romantic vacations because you yourself said you’re paying all that money to go some place just so you can cuddle. I don’t blame you. Hell, you can cuddle at home. I wish I would, one, be with someone who is not giving me any type of action, none whatsoever. And, two, paying out-of-pocket for trips and they are having fun enjoying the sand and beaches, and I’m mad, angry, and upset because I’m hot, horny, and bothered. Get the “F” out of here with that. You better let her continue to hang her coochie out there to dry because it will be a warm, hot, dry day before you get close to it again. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Do any readers out there have a behavior others may find bizarre or strange? If so, what is yours?
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Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!