Send your questions to Terrance: firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Gay Best Friend,
I am a 40-year old woman. I decided to return to school to obtain my bachelors degree in sports psychology. I am working part- time and in school full-time until after graduation. I decided after so many things I have done wrong in past relationships to just commit to the care of my children.
This decision came with a reason. My son has some emotional problems due to the death of his father and my 17-year old daughter has a baby. I don’t want to bring a man in my life because my life is already crazy enough and to ask someone to step into my situation is a lot. I think my priorities are with my children and not with seeking a man, but I long for the company of a man, the touch, the conversation and all. I know I am doing what’s best for my family, but how do I cure the loneliness without involving my kids? – So Lonely
Dear Ms. So Lonely,
Girl, I got to give it to you. You’re truly a superwoman! (clap, clap, clap, clap!!!!) You’re in school, working, and raising a family. Yeah, that deserves a round of applause.
Now, on to you, and doing for you. In my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND, I have a chapter dedicated to women like you. It’s called, Get Some Me Time: Not Some Him, and Some Her, Just A Little Me Time. In this chapter I discuss how women, especially those with a family, husband/boyfriend, career, and going to school, are oftentimes overlooking their own basic needs for the sacrifice of others. You look out for others 100% of the time, and neglect yourself 100% of the time.
Honey, there is no reason why you shouldn’t be dating and enjoying yourself. There is no reason why you can’t enjoy the company of a man, the touch, and conversation. But, you have to allow yourself to do it. I’m pretty sure that if you do decide to do something for you that you feel guilty. Am I right? I know I am. It’s because by nature women are nurturers. They love to take care of others. They love helping, shaping, and molding those who are important in their lives. Yet, they neglect themselves in the process and sometimes become angry, bitter, and upset that no one is paying them any attention.
Here’s what I suggest, and I am paraphrasing my own book. Take a few hours out of the day to fill the tub with hot water, put some lavender oil in the water, light some candles, and let yourself soak. And, if that doesn’t work for you then plan a spa day. Go and get yourself a manicure, pedicure, facial, and massage. Let yourself be pampered. When you learn to start taking some time for you, trust me, you’ll learn how to open yourself for a man to appear.
And, DIVA, don’t be afraid to let a man take you out on a date. No one said he has to come to your house and lay up in your bed. When you date it’s about going out to dinner, the movies, a walk in the park, visiting the museum, or even going to a play. And, when the evening is over, and if you both are feeling each other, then hopefully, he has his own house and you can visit him. As you’ve stated in your letter, you want to cure the loneliness, and not include your kids. Then don’t! If you need to go to his house, or check into a hotel, then do so. Stop neglecting yourself, and making yourself feel bad for having natural desires of wanting to be held and touched.
So, Ms. So Lonely, get out there and allow yourself to be catered to and pampered. You don’t have to sit in the house with your kids, and work yourself to death. Life is part enjoying yourself, loving yourself, and nurturing yourself. And, I highly recommend getting your son into some counseling to deal with his grief. He will resent any man you bring around, so you have to work with him, and hopefully a therapist can help him deal with the loss of his father. It will take some time, but time does heal all wounds. And, your daughter just needs your support. Don’t become the in-house babysitter, or nanny. Make her responsible for her child, and the decisions she made. Don’t feel guilty, but at the same time you can be supportive, but not co-dependent. Now, get out there and enjoy life. Let yourself date, and enjoy the company of a man. I know when he touches you all hell is going to break loose! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
Make sure to get your copy of my new book, STRAIGHT FROM YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Work, and Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden – October 2010; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!