1. On the 1st day of Christmas Madea gave to me 1 functioning phone.

On the 1st day of Christmas Madea gave to me 1 functioning phone.

In case you feel like you need to call 1-800-Choke-Dat-Ho. See “A Madea Christmas,” in theaters December 13, 2013, and follow @MadeaChristmas on Twitter #HoNoSheDidnt.

2. On the 2nd day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 2 rolling pins.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 2 rolling pins.

You nevah know when a ho might need a beat down.

3. On the 3rd day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 3 Lip Service Bottle Openers

On the 3rd day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 3 Lip Service Bottle Openers

If you’re going to give lip service.

4. On the 4th day of Christmas Madea gave to me 4 Reset Buttons

On the 4th day of Christmas Madea gave to me 4 Reset Buttons

Madea knows better than anyone–sometimes you just need to start over. Press the reset button when the easy button ain’t enough.

5. On the 5th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 5 milligrams of “Don’t Choke That Hoe” medicine

On the 5th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me - 5 milligrams of “Don’t Choke That Hoe” medicine

Because some days it’s harder to resist the urge.

6. On the 6th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 6 Holy Toast bread stamps

On the 6th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 6 Holy Toast bread stamps

Because the Lawd might need to be handy lest we have to lay hands on a ho.

7. On the 7th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 7 Perfect Pens

On the 7th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 7 Perfect Pens

Words are weapons sometimes. Practice your snarly comebacks and keep them handy in your diary.

8. On the 8th day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 8 copies of “Don’t Make a Black Woman Take off Her Earrings: Madea’s Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life”

On the 8th day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 8 copies of “Don’t Make a Black Woman Take off Her Earrings: Madea’s Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life”

In case you need a little extra help and your girls are nowhere to be found for backup, Hellurr?

9. On the 9th day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 9 copies of A Madea Christmas Album

On the 9th day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 9 copies of A Madea Christmas Album

A personalized mix-tape crossed her mind but ain’t nobody got time for that.

10. On the 10th day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 10 radar detectors

On the 10th day of Christmas Madea gave to me – 10 radar detectors

I mean, you’re gonna need to know when and if the “Po-po” is clocking you.

11. On the 11th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 11 Lumps of Coal

On the 11th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 11 Lumps of Coal

Madea knows that truth. You ain’t been good this year (or last).

12. On the 12th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 12 Calling Cards

On the 12th day of Christmas, Madea gave to me – 12 Calling Cards

Which will come in handy just in case you need to call Santa when you’re in lockdown. Things could get ugly at Christmas dinner.

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