Apparently the vagina is a source of consternation for many women, resulting in a booming industry of products and services geared specifically to the task of vaginal maintenance, if you will. There is a quick fix to control anything from vaginal smell, to vaginal “roominess” for lack of a better word (see above photo for evidence). Alternet did a little more research on the topic and came up with a list of the top 6 “problems” that women claim to have with their nether-regions, as well as the “fixes” that have been invented to help us gals cope with the burdens of our femininity. We’re sending a big fat sarcastic thanks to the person that decided that vaginas need their own brand of mint in order to “taste” better.
Check out this list of 6 weird things that women do to their vaginas:
1.) Problem: Your Vagina Smells Bad
Solution: Vaginal Deodorant
There are currently a number of vaginal deodorants for sale right at your local drug store. If you feel the need to douse your privates in a substance to keep it from smelling like a vagina then a Summer’s Eve Deodorant in Island Splash, or FDS Spray is the solution to your dilemma.
Also, Alternet lists a scented vaginal suppository called Norforms that comes in an “Island Escape” scent. Lucky for you, Norforms contain something called Benzethonium chloride, which is also used as a hard surface disinfectant for fruit and classified as a poison in Switzerland. You know, just in case you need to disinfect your apple, you’ve got the fruit and the vag-smell covered. Kill two birds with one suppository (perhaps even three considering that Norforms are actually considered poison in some areas)!
2. Problem: Your Vagina is Dirty
If your vagina is secreting things that are so disgusting you feel the need to force fluids into your self by way of a plastic tub and a pump, then you’re probably better off seeing a doctor. According to Alternet:
Douching has been repeatedly discouraged by the medical community, which not only doesn’t attribute any health benefits to the act, but believes that it can actually harm women. A government Web site run by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services discourages douching by answering a series of hypothetical questions, one of which is: “My vagina has a terrible odor, can douching help?” The answer: Get thee to a doctor.
Despite the fact that the entire medical community discourages douching, they are still very much present in the feminine needs aisle in your local drug store! You are free to pick up a box of Summer’s Eve Douche, complete with large print warnings that douching has been associated with PID (Pelvic Inflamatory Disease), ectopic pregnancy and infertility.
3. Problem: Your Vagina is Too Loose
Solution: Vaginal Rejuvenation
In what seems like an epic douche-bag move (and that phrase is in fact totally appropriate considering the topic at hand) a MALE surgeon by the name of Dr. David Matlock decided that vaginas need to be tighter. He then invented a procedure called “Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation,” slapped on a price tag of about $20,000 and began a mission to convince us all that he can make sex better for “us” by surgically altering the natural state of the vagina.
Dr. Matlock, you are not fooling anyone. Alternet states:
But many doctors disagree. The American Urogynocology Society won’t endorse it. And the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists cautioned in a 2007 statement that women seeking “designer vaginas” should be “informed about the lack of data supporting the efficacy of these procedures and their potential complications, including infection, altered sensation, dyspareunia, adhesions, and scarring.” Sexy!
We also found a slew of tightening creams on the internet that claim to serve the same purpose. Weird indeed.
4. Problem: Your Vagina is Ugly
Labiaplasty is the process by which a plastic surgeon drastically reduces the labia, the protruding lips that surround the opening of the vagina. So not only do you have to worry about being “tight enough,” but there is apparently a system in place to determine whether your vagina:labia ratio is appropriate? And if your doctor determines that its not, you should then allow him to cut it off? Does this procedure not seem akin to genital mutilation???
How much will it cost you to make your labia proportional and feminine? About $5,000 or more.
5. Problem: Your Vagina Tastes Bad
Solution: Vagina Mints
If you feel the need to alter the taste of your vagina, do consider (or don’t!) Linger Internal Vaginal Flavoring, or Altoids for your vagina.
Linger assumes you already feel bad about your nether regions, stating on its Web site that the mint-flavored pill “decreases self-consciousness” and tosses out the unattributed statistic that 72 percent of women feel self conscious about their taste and odor. Dubious marketing practices aside, the Linger mint isn’t just a harmless, if asinine, oddity. Mother Jones magazine did some digging into the origins of Linger and discovered that the vagina mint is no different from a regular mint. In other words, it’s made out of sugar. And putting sugar-based mint directly into your vagina is a recipe for a mint-flavored yeast infection.
6. Problem: Your Vagina is the Wrong Color
Solution: Vaginal Bleaching and Dying
Is your vagina the color of your skin? No good. It needs to be pink; at least that’s what My New Pink Button says. Accordingly they manufacture and sell a “Genital Cosmetic Colorant that restores the ‘Pink’ back to woman’s genitals.” My New Pink Button is meant to be painted onto the vagina (it comes in powder form and must be scooped up with a moist Q-tip like device) and lasts 48 to 72 hours.
If that doesn’t work, you can always apply a chemical bleaching agent to your vagina, and bleach it back to life.
Accomoclitic Laser and Wax Studio in Lakewood, Colorado, purveyors of an anal bleaching product called “Pink Wink,” also sell something called Bleach Babe, a cream that promises to do away with the “natural discoloration surrounding the exterior of the vagina.”Apparently we should abhor any “natural discoloration; figures. Bleach Babe contains Kojic acid, the same ingredient that keeps salmon meat pink. South Beach Solutions sells a similar lightening product with Sodium hydroxide, which can also be found in drain decloggers and septic tank cleansers. Sounds wonderful!
So ladies, are any of you down with bleaching, painting, cutting, tightening or deodorizing your vagina?
Tell us what you think!
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